Sorry, this is going to be a ramble.
H used to work in an office - left around 4 years ago, we have been together 8 years. There were various little disagreements around relationships with some of his female colleagues which in hindsight were pretty much 100% me being paranoid/low self-esteem. About a year before he left, a new girl started working with him, they got on v well and would often joke around in the office etc, and we would see her outside of work. By this time I was over my blip and she seemed nice. She's one of those funny/smart/gorgeous types and admittedly I was a bit jealous of her getting to be that person while I was 'just me'. The other thing is that Hs dating history had all been girls of this type, and I am very much not 'that type'. Anyway, he ended up matchmaking her with one of his close friends and they are now happily married. As time went by, I think I realised that she wasn't my kind of person, she was my exact opposite and I resented her confidence/beauty and I told H that I struggled spending time with her. He was always very defensive and there wasn't really much in the way of understanding of my feelings.
I've sort of always wondered if the situation was different back when they started working together, would he have pursued her if we werent dating? Did he/does he find her attractive (honestly wouldn't blame him)? I think in my heart of hearts, I think I probably know the answer and I wonder if marrying me was just 'settling'
Anyway, we hadn't seen them for over a year and popped over for lunch, had a lovely time catching up and all was well. On the way home, he spent the whole journey in a daydream of sorts, I mean it was honestly like he wasn't there. A few times I'd say something/point out a landmark and he either didn't respond for being too deeply in thought or would ask me to repeat - we were both sat in the front seats so there was no way he couldn't have heard me. When I looked over he was either having a little conversation with himself or staring blankly out of the window. It was odd and it wasn't a short journey either. He said it was just his mind running wild and thinking about all sorts of things but the timing is what has me worried.
My brain is now holding me hostage to thoughts that he was thinking about her - about what was, what could've been. Her and her H have a 1 year old now and I am 35 weeks pregnant, she is positively glowing and is obviously a fab mum and I just feel fat, unattractive and pretty useless.
We've never spoken about this and to be honest I can't envision him being able to tell me anything that is going to stop me from feeling this way.
I'm also struggling with the fact that H's entire family are rather upper class and all privately educated whereas I/my family are not - babies cousins will all be going to prep/private school and he will be state schooled. I am terrified that he won't feel good enough and that it's all my fault for not coming from a well-off background or not making enough money. H had always been surrounded by women (either school/uni/work) who came from well-off backgrounds and he got on with incredibly well and instead he's ended up with me
Babies not even been born yet and I feel like I've let him down already.
Is this just pregnancy paranoia? I've spent most of the day crying at my work laptop and avoiding phone calls. Whenever baby moves I feel like he must know how I'm feeling and it perpetuates the immense sadness that I am doing a crap job at all of this and it's affecting him even on the womb.