Not finding out baby's sex - mum not happy

[cheezmonster]

I had a 12 week scan this week for our much longed for first baby - husband and I are absolutely elated about it.

We've decided not to find out the sex of the baby. This is partly because my family is very gender stereotyped. I find it uncomfortable (it affected me a lot as a child, growing up as a girl who didn't like pink/ Barbies etc was very difficult in my family).

I want to try and protect my child from similar experiences, although I know I can't fully control it, I just want to delay the influx of pink/ blue for as long as I can.

I have sent my scan pics to my mum and she is absolutely obsessing over nub/ skull theory, she has sent it to be analysed, and seems absolutely determined to find out the sex from my scan pics. She has told me her predictions.

I told her weeks ago that we weren't planning to find out the sex and her reaction was "Why not? How will you prepare?" 🙄 and "You'll crack by 20 weeks and find out anyway".

It makes me want to not share the 20 week scan with her if she is going to behave like this and analyse them to the Nth degree and then insist on telling us her theories - can't she just accept our decision to wait? AIBU?

You’re not being unreasonable at all! Your baby, your choice.
if it’s any small consolation, any nub experts won’t use a 20 week scan for nub theory as it’s too late to tell at that gestation - they request a potty shot at this stage. Hope everything goes well for you

@Pastelhp Thanks for the reply! And oh that is interesting about the 20 week scan - is a potty shot a specific image of the genital area? So they can't tell from just a regular image of the baby?

That would be so amazing if so, then she won't be able to analyze it anyway!

She has sent it to be analysed? That would stop me allowing her to have any photos of the baby until they were at least 18 years old.

Absolutely none of her business. Tell her to stop sharing your medical records, which a scan photo basically is, with other people. A gross overstepping there. If she is like that, put in some bomb proof bound before your baby is born.

Absolutely don't let her see your 20 week scan photos.

Yes on one of those nub websites

I'd be tempted to screenshot a random 20 week scan picture from the internet and let her crack on😂. She doesn't need to see the original does she😉
I'm slightly biased as I didn't find out with either of mine, although not for the reasons you've mentioned. My preference was a surprise after giving birth, rather than in the sonographer's room.

I’d say that they weren’t able to see at the 20 week scan and keep quiet about names etc because they’ll probably have opinions on those too. Just keep everything vague ‘oh we couldn’t see, can’t decide on a name etc we will see what they look like when they are born’.

Also, for what it’s worth I’ve known people who paid for the nub theory to be guessed and they were all wrong.

Yikes. YANBU.
I didn't find out either. It's supposed to be a fun guessing game not harassment. This is probably a good opportunity to start laying down boundaries because your mother doesn't seem to have them and is being pretty rude to you.

Your mum sounds nuts I’m afraid

Your mum is being ridiculous. The question of how you'll prepare is farcical. I assume this is because she thinks girls and boys should only be pink and blue respectively. Ridiculous.

We didn't find out either time. Painted the nursery a lovely duck egg blue and bought various baby grows and dungarees sets in loads of primary colours and patterns.

Absolutely not being unreasonable. Your Mum sounds crackers. I actually wouldn't show her any more scan pics that you may have or would perhaps take a screen shot that has the possible nub theory parts missing from the pic and send her that!
I think it would be wise to set some boundaries now as things are only going to get a lot worse when your baby arrives if she is this interfering when you are pregnant! It is YOUR exciting time OP, you and your DH and you should be allowed to enjoy it as you wish to without having other people stressing you out.

I'd pick a colour scheme you like and tell her bluntly anything you get that is pink or blue is going straight to the the charity shop!

Hopefully the nub theory company has some sort of 'Do you actually own this scan that you're sending us to analyse?' consent form, and your Mum will feel too bad to pretend that it's her own baby!

I can't believe she sent off the scan photo - that is pretty weird and I wouldn't be sending her any more photo, sorry!

What does she think people did to prepare for a baby before all this sex testing was available? We just prepared for a baby. Bought equipment and clothes, made a room ready, what else is there? A baby, whether male or female, needs all the same things. And a lunatic grandmother is not on my list!

Just a little word of advice - ease off on what you share with your mum. She doesn't need to be conversant with too many details of your life.

Start training her now to be less involved with your decisions and to make no bones about owning them.

Rehearse phrases like "My decision / our decision is already made and I/ we are completely happy with it."

Make sure you come across to her as a couple who have thought about things and have worked together to make your decisions - "This is the right approach for us/ the approach/ name/ way of feeding the baby/ etc. that we have decided on works best for us. "

If the worst comes to pass, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

Agree, I would be putting in some boundaries. Her behaviour sounds very intrusive and disrespectful.
i didn’t find out either with any of mine, love the surprise at birth!

It is none of your mother's business, OP. Stop telling her so much, and sending her photos.
And don't discuss possible names with her, either!

I LOVE that you're not finding out!
When I had my first 20 years ago, we also chose not to find out and when I went in to be induced there was a wonderful sweepstake amongst friends and relatives to guess the sex, time and weight - which was later donated to our local Hospice.

Do it your way OP, fuck'em!!

I didn't find out OP and don't plan on finding out this time either, that moment when they hand you your son or daughter, was just amazing. I cant imagine you get the same feeling during a scan. 100% worth waiting for, we dont get many surprises in life!