Can’t stand seeing others pregnant - am I the only one?

[Astralaka]

I have 4 beautiful girls (one that is my stepdaughter but daughter all the same) and I know I won’t be having any more children, which I kind of came to terms with because I had to. Had to because there is no more space in the house and also because my husband had to be convinced to have the last one. Ever since then every time I see a baby bump or a new baby I can’t stand it, it’s like pure hell. The jealousy runs through my veins of that magical time, that amazing time when you are growing this beautiful being inside you and knowing I will never have that again hurts, it hurts to my core. I then feel guilty because I am so lucky that I have my beautiful ones, others I know are not that lucky and I am a positive person, always upbeat and happy but this. This gets me, beats me down and makes me feel awful. I have now been told that someone in my family is pregnant today and I am SOOO happy for them and I showed my happiness. Then on the way home looked out the window and cried all the way home as I know that as selfish as it sounds I have some really hard times ahead, almost faking it sometimes as I don’t want them to see me upset. Please tell me that I am
not alone in my guilty heart wrenching unhappiness? Are there others out there? ❤️

Hello OP,

Do you only feel that way about pregnancy or about the other stages of having children as well ?

If you only yearn for pregnancy but not the rest of it, maybe it'd help to remind yourself that having kids also involves 18 years of raising them, doing homework, paying for things, etc etc ?

Think about the positives of not having more - more time both for yourself and your current children, being able to do more things, moving on to the next stage...

Sorry I can't help more, I have three and frankly when I see someone pregnant I'm happy for them and happier that it's not me ! Actually I think I feel more excited about other people's pregnancies now that I am done. It feels like I get to enjoy all of the excitement, I get to do the shopping for gifts/baby stuff, and none of the responsibility...

Hi OP. I sort of agree with PP in that I'm so relieved to be getting this chapter over with in some respects. We had bad news at our anatomy scan during my current (and last) pregnancy so the thought of another pregnancy and the anxiety and gamble that is bringing a child into the world and raising them would fill me with dread somewhat tbh!

But at the same time I feel robbed that I can't enjoy my final pregnancy so who knows how I'll feel in future?

I wonder: as much as you're grateful for your four healthy girls, did you perhaps like the idea of having a son as well as your wonderful daughters one day? My friend has multiple of one sex and would have loved to "try again" for the opposite but her husband said no more.

Going home crying about it is a bit of an over reaction. Like you say you know women who are obviously struggling with infertility so I'd think about them and then look at your beautiful family and children. Cry for the women who can't have children and desperately want them - channel your feelings there

I don't think crying is an over reaction. Hormones and body clocks are horrendous things sometimes.

Crying is not an overreaction. There's nothing in the world I would love than more kids. I adore the 4 we have but hubby and I agreed 3 which became 4 as the last turned out to be twins. We wanted to make sure we had the space and were financially stable. But it tears my heart everytime I hear a friend or family member say there expecting again yes I'm happy for them but oh my wouldn't I just love another 😊

It'll pass in time, that's all I can say. Unfortunately I struggle to have much empathy as I have friends years down the line desperate to have their first after many years of infertility and miscarriages. I know its not a competition of misery but try to think of it as you already have what so many desperately yearn for. Look back and reflect positively on your three successful pregnancies and your happy years with your babies/toddlers/children than focus on an imaginary 4th. All feelings are valid, but you can work hard to rationalise them.

Just to add, there was a thread about something like this a while back and someone supposed that something was missing in certain women which makes them feel done with pregnancy. We joke that my sister doesn't have the gene or something to make her feel 'done' and my aunt was the same and only stopped a little while before being menopausal ie nature stopped her. I really think she'd have gone on for a seventh child if it didn't.

So I always find it interesting that the women who would love more often already have several kids.

Have you had any support for your mental health OP? If not, please seek some! Are you peri? Is this a new thing or since you had your last child? It might be hormones or other health issues going on. The way your describe your feelings and this seems to be taking over your life is not normal nor healthy.

No, I don't feel like that seeing someone pregnant. I TTC 12yrs, lost 3 and will never have any of my own children. We all deal with things differently, but kindly, you need professional support OP.

Sounds pretty normal to me. No idea why pp think this is a mental health issue. You would have liked more children, enjoyed pregnancy and early motherhood and are sad to say goodbye to that life stage. I can relate.

I have 3 and know that that is my limit for being a good engaged parent. My existing children would miss out if I had more so that is a good enough reason to stop. I still feel sad that I’ll never have another baby.

Well done for giving a kind reaction and then processing your sadness in private. That is a healthy response. This feeling will almost certainly fade but may never disappear completely. Becoming a mum is a magical experience for most of us. It’s understandable that you miss it.

How old are you? I hear that perimenopausal women get like this- broody and hormonal. If you want one that badly though and you're younger then maybe you can in future? Get saving!

I know how you feel in some ways as I'm late 30s and have one lovely boy but I'm single and do most of the childcare (his dad has him one night a week). I am so protective of my tiny boy that in some ways I can't see myself opening myself up to a relationship where he could move in and have another baby before I'm too old to have one, but I'm also desperate for another child - all the women I did my pregnancy yoga and baby classes with are starting to get pregnany with their second now and I'm happy for them but I also feel so jealous and wish I could be pregnant with my second one too with a lovley partner supporting me and do it 'properly' in a little family next time.

But I just have to focus on what I can control which is to look after my health as much as possible so that a) I look good and give off good vibes which increases my chances of magically meeting a husband and b) means my body would have its best chance of having an older pregnancy if i meet the right man and c) makes me more likely to stick around to be a hands on granny one day if I don't have another of my own!

OP, your post is a difficult read as a childless woman who has struggled with infertility for years. As a PP says, it's not a competition and we all have a right to our feelings. I suppose the difference I'm wondering about/maybe failing to express adequately is that some women experience that sort of gut wrenching sadness both at pregnant women and also around happy complete families such as yours.
That said, of course you are entitled to your feelings and I think it's understandable to experience waves of sadness about such personal topics. But if I was you, I'd try to check the facts and bring your focus to the lovely family you do in fact have.

Just remember when you see those baby bumps that you don’t know the story behind them. I’m pregnant now after ivf after years of infertility. I know that sad feeling well.

I think you maybe need to look in coping mechanisms or talk to someone about this? Gut wrenching unhappiness isn't normal I'm sorry if you've had three healthy children but feel gut wrenching unhappiness because you want more. I'm sorry you feel crap but like other posters I find the tone difficult. My only babies who were twins died last Christmas. I gave birth to my first twin who was born sleeping and my second baby boy died in my arms 4 days later in the NICU after a brain haemorrhage. That's gut wrenching unhappiness. I'm currently pregnant again and the pain of loss never leaves.

Kindly I think you need to revaluate abd seek counselling. Its ok to feel broody but no I don't think your responses are normal. Sorry.