Pregnant family dramas - weddings

[TwinklyDreamer]

Hi everyone,

I could use a little advice and maybe a space to vent.

Here’s some background: I got married earlier this year after being with my partner for 8.5 years. It was an amazing day, and at the time, I didn’t mind when I found out my sister’s partner asked my dad for her hand in marriage on the same day as my wedding. He proposed to her while we were on our honeymoon, and honestly, I was thrilled for them back then. Remember this whilst you read the next bit….

Fast forward a couple of months—I found out I was pregnant, and at six weeks, I shared the news with my sister. Instead of congratulating me, she made a comment questioning why I’d gone for an early scan and told me not to celebrate too soon. I tried not to take it personally, but it did hurt.

As the months went on, I started planning her hen do, and I mentioned I’d prefer it to be closer to the wedding. Since my due date was three months before her wedding, I wanted to accommodate breastfeeding and I also knew that I absolutely do not want to be and shouldn’t be away from my baby. She insisted everyone needed to attend and wasn’t happy when one of the girls couldn’t make the original date. During a phone call about the plans, things escalated—she accused me of making it “all about me,” said I was being ‘incredibly selfish’ for prioritising my baby over her hen and wedding, and even questioned whether I should be a bridesmaid because I’d need to spend time (feeding) with the baby on her wedding day.

I felt I was making a real effort to be there for her. I offered to have my partner stay nearby so I could still attend while breastfeeding. But she was unhappy with that compromise and was upset we weren’t planning the hen abroad. The hen do is now scheduled for six months before her wedding (just before my due date), but she’s still upset it’s not abroad. None of the girls could afford a trip abroad, and traveling so close to my due date would’ve been difficult. She’s called me selfish several times and keeps comparing me to others who travelled abroad just weeks before giving birth.

I shared this with my mum, but she told me to let it go, saying my sister didn’t mean it and we are family. (Forgive and forget). While my sister has been extra nice in recent months, I can’t stop replaying what she said during those heated conversations. She’s asking more about the baby now, but I can’t shake the feeling it’s out of obligation.

Am I being unreasonable? How would you handle this? I would never treat anyone how she treated me. The stress it’s caused is awful

x

You know her best - is this out of character for her? If it is (and this isn't an excuse at all) I wonder if she's been TTC or had fertility challenges which she hasn't shared with you? The comments about sharing at 6 weeks stuck out to me - I had a MC earlier in the year and it made me more cautious about sharing our news this time around.

Something odd happens to people with weddings - some people just seem to lose their minds. I think we build it up so much and have a clear picture of what we want and it can cloud judgement.

But.. I think she is in the wrong here. You can't travel abroad close to your due date - usually at 36 weeks you will be stopped (I had to provide a letter at 32 weeks when boarding to 'prove' I wasn't over) and often travel insurance has exclusions so it would be silly to cut it so fine.

I was a bridesmaid at 3 weeks post partum and my parents came along to help and it was still a challenge, I was lucky I didn't have a c section or a tough recovery! But.. at the time I thought I'd be fine (my baby was also over two weeks late so I did think they'd be older!)

Do you think a calm word with her would help or sharing how excited you are for her wedding but that you don't know how birth will go or when it will be? How do you think it would go down and what would you want her to change if you could get her to change?

Other option is as your mum says to basically try and ignore it? Stick to your boundaries but ignore the flouncing / outbursts as best you can? I know it's much easier said than done but maybe actively recognising that's your plan of action may help lessen the blow

Good luck OP xx

Of course she's the one being unreasonable . The gen not being abroad is more to do with no one affording it. Tough. And just what dyes she think bridesmaids do in the wedding day? Other than help her before the ceremony after that the job is done.
Sounds like she's being a bit of a brat.

Your sister is a selfish brat. I think though there's only two real options, keep going as you are and accommodate her requests as much as you can without jeopardising your health or the baby's. Or Tell her that you'll attend her wedding as a guest but won't be a bridesmaid anymore. That may make her think you are even more selfish, but it would free her to find a chief bridesmaid that can do exactly what she wants potentially. Is there any other obvious choices? Maybe someone who would love to go abroad and things with her?