Unplanned pregnancy and can't make a decision

[Moralpickle]

Ignore username, it's an old NC.

I am devastated, this wasn't supposed to happen. DH is devastated, but for different reasons. I'm terrified I wouldn't be able to live with the decision to terminate but I've booked a consultation because I feel I ought to.

I would have been happy with a 3rd a few years down the line but DH was vehement about stopping at 2 and now says he been considering the snip! I wasn't worried about misalignment about having another because I didn't want one for the foreseeable anyway.

My main worry about keeping it isn't DH's feelings, although this may be fatal to our marriage either way. In which case the main problem is going to be an issue anyway, and its finances. We have a very modest disposable income at the moment, although this is a short term problem (approx. next 2 years). I cannot afford to pay our mortgage on SMP, or on my income alone and all bills are already stripped right back. The short term nature of finances being a concern makes terminating seem all the more awful. I know baby's don't have to be expensive, I don't have to buy anything, it's more the loss of earnings that is insurmountable, and the unexpected additional childcare costs.

I know I don't need any reason beyond not wanting to be pregnant but I am so scared I will regret it and that regret/guilt will outweigh any guilt I feel about having a baby in less than ideal circumstances. Is it selfish for me to keep the baby when we don't really have the space, we can't afford maternity leave, and this will impact the existing DCs?

I'm only 4.5 weeks but I need to make a decision before it's more than a cluster of cells otherwise I won't be able to go through with it. I keep looking at DCs and thinking how I will never be able to look at them without imagining what their sibling would have been like. DH probably will book snip now so no future 3rd will be possible.

Career-wise this is awful for me, in terms of resources and time for existing DCs this is bad. I had terrible PND with DC2. So many reasons why we were not planning a pregnancy :(

Hello!
I don’t feel qualified to answer your question but I just want to give you a big hug.

If you want a third, don’t let your husband guilt trip you into an abortion. You should only have an abortion if you want one. It’s your body. If he didn’t want a third, he should have already had the snip. From reading your post it doesn’t sound like you want an abortion.

I can completely appreciate your point about loss of earnings, especially when you already have two kids. I think you should speak to close friends and family about this, and bounce this off people who understand your situation more.

Are you the one responsible for paying the mortgage? I am in my family and from the wording of your post it sounds like you are too? My immediate thought is contact your lender about a mortgage holiday for approx 1 year to 18 months. Yes, it will increase the interest you pay over the course of your mortgage but your financial worries (as you mentioned above) are a short term (2 year issue). You could counteract the increase in interest by overpaying later in your mortgage, if you wanted to / were able.

sending you lots of love at this tricky time x

Do you want this baby? In 10 years time, will you be happy having had a termination or will you be happy with all three of your children?

I have seen many women on here terminate pregnancies which result in their husband having vasectomies and they go on to feel immense regret at throwing away their last opportunity for a baby.

You can access these countless threads under pregnancy choices.

What worries me is how aware you are of the implications of regretting this decision for the rest of your life and personally, that alone would compel me to go through with the pregnancy because I would be able to deal with knowing PND (if I got it) would be temporary but I wouldn’t be able to live with a lifetime of tracking dates, what ifs and the heavy feeling of regret.

Ultimately, you must make your decision for you. Outside of your husband’s feelings or your DC, what do you want? It is your body and your choice but it is important to be realistic about the potential ramifications of termination which I feel are largely left out of these discussions with medical professionals at abortion clinics.

Sending you a handhold and a big hug! 💐

I did have a termination once due to work commitments when I was much much younger, and have regretted it ever since and i think of it more often than I thought I ever would! And it was 6 years ago in may.

I think it sounds like now that it's happened, you would be sad if you terminated. They could last longer than PND. Your hubby was too slow in having the snip. He's told you this now but it's completely irrelevant because the fact is that he has clearly not even made an appointment to have it done. So he lost the power to call this. It's what is happening inside your body that matters and only you can really be the judge of that. It sounds like you'd be inconvenienced but you would manage in the longer term and you will be able to take steps to look after yourself that perhaps you didn't know about with earlier babies.