I am 38 and wondering what makes women decide to go ahead with having a baby alone?

[Undecideddrivenwoman]

hi all,

I have considered in the past about having a child alone as my biggest fear was having one with the wrong partner. I have always been pretty independent and having a child was never a priority. I didn't proceed the last time as it's expensive, my family live in different countries and it seems it would be so hard. Can anyone advise how you made the decision to just go for it? Was having a child something you always wanted ? I only ask as some women know they wanted to be mothers since they were young and I always was driving to go stand on my own two feet and live life. Ive always had a mentally of it it happens great if it doesn't i'll be okay. Any advice would be great.

I can’t advise on how people decide to go it alone, but I think it’s a wonderful thing to do in the right circumstances.

However, I think the “imagined dining table” is a good thought experiment here. When you imagine yourself in ten years sitting at your dining table, who is sitting with you? Is there a child(ren) there?

If so, it is worth taking some steps now to make sure that’s an option (whether that’s going it alone, exploring fertility preservation, looking into adoption, etc).

Hi @Melusina123 thats a good way to try and look at it. I think I just need to do all my research and then process it all. I’ve done visualisation before in hypnotherapy and I saw both so that didn’t help with my decision lol. Guess it comes down to what lifestyle I want. Thanks for your advice.

I have had two children as a solo mother. I always wanted children and when my last relationship failed, I knew I didn't have time on my side. I knew I had the rest of my life to find Mr Right but not to have children

I have never regretted it for a second. It has been hard at times. But, for me, not having children would've been much harder.

They are now teenagers and I love our life.

I have one child as a solo parent. I started investigating when realised that I wasn't bothered about not having a partner, but I was really upset at the thought of not having children. I did look into fostering and adoption, but it is a very different set of skills needed.

I never thought I was particularly bothered about having children, but that changed as I got to my mid 30s. I was raised by a single mother (not solo) so had a good role model.

I had my son at 36 via IVF using a donor at after struggling to find a partner and finding out I had some fertility issues. I would have loved to find my person but I'd become quite disillusioned with men and my desire to be a mother was far stronger than the desire to have a partner. Whilst I have some niggles regarding how my son may feel about the way he was conceived when he's older, if I'm completely honest my main regret is not starting the process sooner as I unfortunately had several miscarriages before I was successful. Now that he's finally here, I love my son to death, our bond is unmatched and I'm very proud of the life I've created for us. When I compare myself to other mums in more conventional situations, I honestly don't see a difference in how we're all coping, if anything I feel I have the advantage as I don't have the stress of having to consider anyone else's needs but mine and my son's and our life is very peaceful and stable as a result. Being a solo mum can be challenging at times but I found life much harder before I had him.

If I were in your shoes I'd get the ball rolling with a fertility MOT as you may find it helps you gain a bit more clarity about whether you actually want to be a mother. From your post, you sound slightly ambivalent and the one thing I would say is that being a SMBC (solo mother by choice) is not something to do as a plan B or on a whim in my opinion, it takes determination and resilience. Trying to conceive on your own in your mid to late thirties can be a very costly roller coaster and if you're not truly passionate about wanting to be a solo mum it could be quite emotionally draining, not to mention having to constantly field off opinions and questions from other people who might not understand or agree with how you've started your family. This is not to put you off, I just want to give you a realistic idea of what you could be letting yourself in for. I hope that's helpful, please do feel free to DM me if you'd like to talk more about this. Good luck with whatever you decide! X

It may not be entirely relevant but I always knew I wanted to be a mother and I didn't really care if it was with someone or not. I made a decision that if I was single when I was 30 I would pay for donated sperm and try then but if I was in a relationship then I would approach the subject with that person. I was in a long term relationship when I was 27 and one of my first statements was if you dont want family then I don't want to continue the relationship as that was my priority. Thankfully he did but he didn't want at 30 and we mutually agreed to try later after marriage. Almost 6 years later and many failed ivfs and unexplained infertility issues, we finally have our baby on the way. If I could go back I would stick to my decision but I would also not compromise as much as to wait til marriage. That is my personal preference. I say if you want to go solo go for it, it is not easy and you never know what will happen but chosen solo parents have my respect as I'm sure it is hard and rewarding.

Currently pregnant with first baby as a solo mum. I’m 38. Was ambivalent about children until age 33 then visiting a friend’s newborn made me realise I wanted to be a mum. Long term relationship ended soon after and dating after that was unsuccessful. I found myself regularly crying at the prospect of not having children so decided to take the solo path. I found Merle Bombardieri’s book ‘The baby decision’ very helpful. Hoping I can find a loving supportive partner one day but realised I have my whole life to do that whereas my time to have babies was limited.

Poor specimens swimming in the pond
Watching other women basically be single mothers even when they're married.
Realising it's not much difference actually being single

Hi, I am 38 as well! I’m currently dealing with an unexpected pregnancy. I already have two children from a previous marriage, plus a follow-up relationship with someone who turned out to be a wolf in sheep’s clothing. 3 baby daddies: I feel the scarlet letter glowing over my head like a halo! And to be honest, only because of societal stigmas, I felt a bit of shame or guilt. But here we are... My sons are now freshmen in college, and my youngest is just starting high school. I can honestly say that the father and I were trying to fill a void. I wanted to feel wanted, but he doesn’t stimulate me intellectually, and I discovered he has been talking to other women since I got pregnant. I’m just over it. I’ve been in this situation before, and honestly, even 20% of nothing is still nothing.

I raised my kids with an incredible support system, but now my support is aging, with more years behind them than ahead. For quite a while, I’ve wanted another baby, particularly a girl. I’m unsure if this is the right decision. I’m already 12 weeks along, and my overthinking is kicking in. I feel nervous, but then I see the sonogram and rediscover my joy.

I can’t tell you whether to have a baby alone or not, but I truly believe, “If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.” Being a mom is not easy; it comes with countless tears, joys, and heartbreaks. When I reflect on my life, I’m genuinely happy I had my children. Yet, as I say this encouraging statement, I can’t help but feel anxious. I wonder if I’ll ever find true love and if this situation might block that chance. Am I insane for starting over at this point? I literally sent my son off to college just two months ago!

My youngest is in high school, I just got my second degree, and I was about to begin pursuing my doctorate when—boom—I find out I'm pregnant with a man I don’t want to be with. But despite everything, I really want my baby. So, I’ve decided to do this alone. I told the father, and he claims he’s on board, but I’m not confident in him!

So here I am, seeking support and found your post. I guess I’m saying all of this to let you know I’m here with you. I understand your confusion and complacency; I’m nervous too. I don’t want to be single, but I want my baby. I love my baby, and in this moment, that feels enough. I want to support you because I need it too. I believe as long as our hearts are in it, we can succeed. Wishing you all the best—I hope this helps because venting has definitely been therapeutic for me. Thanks!

Hi all, I am almost 36 years old in a few weeks. I’ve known my whole life I want to be a mom. I also very much want to find the partner/husband to go through life with. I loved being in a committed relationship and I want to do the journey with someone. My last relationship ended tragically unfortunately but it made me realize how much I do want that. I’m on all the apps and putting myself out there but no luck yet. So I’m wondering if anyone has put an age “deadline” so to speak as to when you decide to just go forward solo? I am freezing my eggs currently and they’re plentiful so that’s good. I don’t want to give up on finding my person but also know there is a time consideration so wondering other people’s thoughts. Thanks!

My colleague did it solo. She doesn't have or want a partner, but wanted a child, so she sorted it. At her age (hovering around 40) it was too later to wait for a decent man (and the pool of available men is not deep and often only men who have already had failed marriages).

You need to be realistic about whether you want a child, and if so, I'd get things moving.

A friend of mine did this. For her it was knowing she’d regret it forever if she didn’t give it a go.