Venting (2 possible fathers)

[Anonymous876]

hello all,

i have been wrecking my brain my entire pregnancy in 2024! I feel safe here, if you are judging that’s fine I accept my part in this. Let’s jump right in, my ex and I were still sexually active March 2024 but we were broken up. We were intimate on the 13th of March. I met someone at a bar March 16th&& one thing led to another. That following morning he wasn’t sure if he (you know what). With my work schedule I hadn’t gotten around to buying a day after pill. Fast forward to April 6th I found out that I was 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant. My ex harassed me my entire pregnancy for a paternity test, grant it I suggested a test the same day I found out I was withchild. Now that my daughter is here he wants no parts nor will he take a test. The guy from the bar agreed to take a test but he’s been giving me the run around, idk what to do. I kept the both of them at a distance my entire pregnancy so that there wouldn’t be any drama&& less stress for me&& my daughter. Now that she’s here I’m not trying to force either of them to be there for her nor am I seeking child support, I just want to know. I’ve suggested an at home test just to make the guy from the bar more comfortable&& he’s been awkward about it. I just want to already have answers for my daughter once she’s older& begins to wonder. What should i do? I want to try Ancestry just find her relatives being that i cannot get any paternal dna but I’m not sure if that’s my next best option.

Neither of them want to be involved so does it matter. Especially if you don't want maintenance. Just leave it for the time being.

Things like this make me really dislike some men! Happy to participate in sex for their benefit but unwilling to accept the consequences which follow and leave the woman to deal with it all. How on earth we've created a world in which men dominate positions of power and responsibility is beyond me.

That said, I think for your daughter's sake you need to pursue finding out who the father is, even if they won't be involved. At least then she can put a name to them and, when she's older, can reach out to them if she chooses. I say this as someone who's father walked out when I was under a year old, but I've always known who he was. I never felt consciously unhappy that he wasn't in my life, but as I got older I got curious about that side of my DNA. I did eventually reach out to him in adulthood, learned for myself he was a loser and that I hadn't missed out from his absence, and have spent the rest of my life so far unconcerned about his existence. I just think everyone deserves to know where they come from. Good luck!

Why do you not want child support? That money is for your child, not you: she has a right to that money, and to know who her biological father is, even if he is a waste of space.

If your ex was harassing you for a paternity test while you were pregnant, why didn't you do it then?

Have you had an STD test? Some STDs will affect the baby in utero.

And for god's sake, use a bloody condom when you have sex in future! How are there adults who are still not doing this?!

Your child has a right to know where she comes from. She also has a right to financial support from the person whose sperm created her. Advocate for her.

Your daughter needs to know now who the father is. Get tests done.

For one, I wasn’t and not seeking child support because if she’s my ex’s he isn’t going to pay it so I’m not wasting my time waiting for a court date. Secondly, I’ve set up several dates and times for a paternity test with my ex throughout my pregnancy and he’d make every excuse possible. When you’re pregnant they test you for STDs anyway so the sly remark is unnecessary. Lastly, as a GROWN ADULT try not to be so quick to judge because it’s very easy to end up in that position whether intercourse be a few days or few weeks apart. Condom or no condom.

Op, I get that sometimes if you've had too much to drink, feeling low, lonely, this could happen, but to not be able to find five minutes in your lunch hour to buy the MAP shows that you aren't taking care of yourself. Respecting yourself. And now refusing to apply for CMS shows you aren't going to advocate for your dd either.

That really isn't ok. You need to look after yourself now because your dd relies on you totally. You need to claim CMS because raising a child alone isn't easy (I've done it) and at some point your dd will need that money. It isn't yours to refuse.

Assume your ex is the father. Put in a CMS claim. Force him to do a paternity test. Then, one way or another, you will know. If he isn't the dad, put in a CMS claim against the other man.

Sorry, but it's time to grow up.

If you are judging that’s fine I accept my part in this

Well, that didn't last long, did it?

It wasn't a 'sly remark'- it was a remark out of concern for the health of you and your baby. I don't remember being tested for STDs when I was pregnant, but I'm glad you have been.

It's not 'very easy' to end up pregnant when you use a condom; you know this as well as I do. It's certainly much, much harder than getting pregnant if you don't use a condom.