Struggling after miscarriage

Sara993 · 2025-01-04T23:28:01+00:00

After trying for over a year and getting sub par fertility tests, I finally got pregnant and was over the moon, but it ended in an MMC and it was such a shock. I keep having flashbacks to the moment they told us there was no heartbeat. I was feeling so sick and kept reading that this was a positive sign. A week or so after, I had surgical management, which I found pretty tough, but I managed to stay positive and quickly discussed trying again with my partner. Now, a few weeks have passed, and I feel so low. I found ttc quite mentally challenging and I'm dreading going back to the cycle tracking and the two week wait, but I’m also so desperate to be pregnant and be a mum. I feel so down, and I'm struggling to get out of my funk. The rational part of my brain is telling me that I will have a successful pregnancy at some point, and I will feel better, but I'm struggling to believe it at the moment. Please tell me this is normal and will get better.

Waitinggame42023 · 05/01/2025 00:31

I didnt want to read and run. I'm so sorry OP, MMC is so cruel. It's absolutely normal to feel this way, you've experienced a loss and you're grieving, you have to give yourself time. In time you'll be ready to try again, it might be soon or it might take a little longer, but you've been through a harrowing experience.

I'm lucky enough that I didn't experience miscarriage, but DH and I tried for nearly 5 years to conceive, so I can relate to some of how you feel. I started off as you described, trying ovulation sticks (I found them pointless), supplements, testing each month etc, and also found it very mentally challenging, so I had to step back. I found it all put far too much pressure on and made the negative tests each month an even bigger deal.
We finally got referred for IVF in Jan 2024, we only get one round here and couldn't afford to privately fund. We were then told there was a massive wait list, and I was so disheartened by then that I chucked my stash of pregnancy tests to the back of my husband's wardrobe.

Then later that same month, I suddenly realised my boobs felt painful. On a whim I found one of the tests I'd chucked and did just to check, and I couldn't believe it when it turned positive within 20 seconds. And now I'm typing this with my beautiful 3 month old baby son asleep in his crib at the end of our bed.

I can't tell you I never lost hope, I definitely did at times. But I got there eventually and the chances are you will get there. Just be kind to yourselves, plan nice little things to looks forward to to get your through. I really hope 2025 is your lucky year.

Blue2020 · 05/01/2025 05:55

My very first pregnancy was a missed miscarriage. I was at a very low point, like you described I had that desire to be pregnant again, the worry of how long it would take, the sadness of the loss. I think in month two of ttc I felt a tiny bit more like myself but I was down a lot of the time still. For me it happened quickly, I conceived again on the third cycle of tracking. However the time it takes can range. I don’t have much positive to say because it’s a crystal ball on how long it will take but I hope it doesn’t take long before you get the positive news again. Also when you do, there is every chance that it will work out well next time. I know quite a few people who have had mc/mmc and their next was successful.

Can you plan to do things with your partner over the coming months to have things to look forward to?

HerbaceousPerennial · 05/01/2025 08:45

Hi @Sara993 I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s so hard. I’ve had two MMC and now 23 weeks pregnant. You have my complete sympathy because I honestly think I found TTC after the first miscarriage worse than the miscarriages themselves. At least with the miscarriages I had support, I was looked after by the hospital and people expected me to be sad. TTC I felt totally alone, I was obsessed and nothing else seemed to matter. I did have counselling in this period and it did help, as did some lovely ladies on a TTC after loss thread on the Conception board. My second MMC came at a particularly hard time but I coped a lot better. I realised nothing I had or hadn’t done made the blindest bit of difference other than driving me frankly mad. Second time I had a list of things to do when I was feeling low, just silly stuff like going for a walk, buying myself a book etc. and I just picked one when I needed to. I also restricted myself to one pregnancy test a week (I have PCOS which meant OPKs were useless and I never had any idea when a period might show up). We didn’t time sex, or take supplements. I wish you all the best, you will get there but it’s very hard in the interim. Take good care of yourself and do whatever you need to to get through this period. It will end and you will feel better. Keeping everything crossed for your rainbow soon xx

CheekyOliveLemur · 05/01/2025 09:06

What you’re feeling from my point of view is completely normal. I’ve had two miscarriages, both in the space of a year. It’s hard, very hard. I didn’t want to get out of bed some days but I dragged myself out, mainly for the sake of my son. Everyone asks how you’re feeling, but most of the time they want to hear the generic answer “I’m fine”. No one actually wants to talk about it. Finding people to connect with and talk about it, helps you start to feel okay. Which does eventually get better. I’m currently 12 weeks and I’ve been terrified every step of the way. Constantly worrying about things going wrong. It’s feels wrong to celebrate it because of everything that’s happened in the past. But it will get better. Do little things to help you remember what’s lost. I got a small tattoo. You will have a small thing to help you remember. It helps in small steps with the pain

showmethegin · 05/01/2025 09:44

So sorry for your loss op. I had 3 losses before having DS so I completely get where you are. I had counselling after the 3rd and my god I should have done it sooner. I could not believe what a difference it made, it was with a BCAP registered counsellor that specialised in baby loss and to have someone to talk to who got it was invaluable.

The odds are hugely in your favour for your next pregnancy being absolutely fine and normal but there is no shame in needing a bit of extra help; you have been through a huge trauma and due to societal norms, there is a huge dearth of understanding from friends and family (how ever kind and well intentioned they are).

Wishing you well.

Original poster

Sara993 · 05/01/2025 17:39

Waitinggame42023 · 05/01/2025 00:31

I didnt want to read and run. I'm so sorry OP, MMC is so cruel. It's absolutely normal to feel this way, you've experienced a loss and you're grieving, you have to give yourself time. In time you'll be ready to try again, it might be soon or it might take a little longer, but you've been through a harrowing experience.

I'm lucky enough that I didn't experience miscarriage, but DH and I tried for nearly 5 years to conceive, so I can relate to some of how you feel. I started off as you described, trying ovulation sticks (I found them pointless), supplements, testing each month etc, and also found it very mentally challenging, so I had to step back. I found it all put far too much pressure on and made the negative tests each month an even bigger deal.
We finally got referred for IVF in Jan 2024, we only get one round here and couldn't afford to privately fund. We were then told there was a massive wait list, and I was so disheartened by then that I chucked my stash of pregnancy tests to the back of my husband's wardrobe.

Then later that same month, I suddenly realised my boobs felt painful. On a whim I found one of the tests I'd chucked and did just to check, and I couldn't believe it when it turned positive within 20 seconds. And now I'm typing this with my beautiful 3 month old baby son asleep in his crib at the end of our bed.

I can't tell you I never lost hope, I definitely did at times. But I got there eventually and the chances are you will get there. Just be kind to yourselves, plan nice little things to looks forward to to get your through. I really hope 2025 is your lucky year.

Thank you for your lovely message and support. I’m so glad you finally got your little one xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Sara993 · 05/01/2025 17:46

Blue2020 · 05/01/2025 05:55

My very first pregnancy was a missed miscarriage. I was at a very low point, like you described I had that desire to be pregnant again, the worry of how long it would take, the sadness of the loss. I think in month two of ttc I felt a tiny bit more like myself but I was down a lot of the time still. For me it happened quickly, I conceived again on the third cycle of tracking. However the time it takes can range. I don’t have much positive to say because it’s a crystal ball on how long it will take but I hope it doesn’t take long before you get the positive news again. Also when you do, there is every chance that it will work out well next time. I know quite a few people who have had mc/mmc and their next was successful.

Can you plan to do things with your partner over the coming months to have things to look forward to?

Thanks for your message and for sharing your experience. It's comforting to hear from others who have experienced something similar and I’m glad you got pregnant so quickly after a miscarriage. I’ve heard you might be more fertile shortly after the miscarriage, but I don’t want to put too much hope on that.

DH and I have just booked a trip away to give us something to look forward to xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Sara993 · 05/01/2025 17:54

HerbaceousPerennial · 05/01/2025 08:45

Hi @Sara993 I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s so hard. I’ve had two MMC and now 23 weeks pregnant. You have my complete sympathy because I honestly think I found TTC after the first miscarriage worse than the miscarriages themselves. At least with the miscarriages I had support, I was looked after by the hospital and people expected me to be sad. TTC I felt totally alone, I was obsessed and nothing else seemed to matter. I did have counselling in this period and it did help, as did some lovely ladies on a TTC after loss thread on the Conception board. My second MMC came at a particularly hard time but I coped a lot better. I realised nothing I had or hadn’t done made the blindest bit of difference other than driving me frankly mad. Second time I had a list of things to do when I was feeling low, just silly stuff like going for a walk, buying myself a book etc. and I just picked one when I needed to. I also restricted myself to one pregnancy test a week (I have PCOS which meant OPKs were useless and I never had any idea when a period might show up). We didn’t time sex, or take supplements. I wish you all the best, you will get there but it’s very hard in the interim. Take good care of yourself and do whatever you need to to get through this period. It will end and you will feel better. Keeping everything crossed for your rainbow soon xx

I so relate with feeling alone when ttc again. The hospital staff and my friends and family were so excellent at the time of the miscarriage, and now it feels like everyone expects me to have moved on.

Counselling is a good idea, as is finding little things to do to cheer me up. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience and a huge congratulations on your pregnancy xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Sara993 · 05/01/2025 20:44

CheekyOliveLemur · 05/01/2025 09:06

What you’re feeling from my point of view is completely normal. I’ve had two miscarriages, both in the space of a year. It’s hard, very hard. I didn’t want to get out of bed some days but I dragged myself out, mainly for the sake of my son. Everyone asks how you’re feeling, but most of the time they want to hear the generic answer “I’m fine”. No one actually wants to talk about it. Finding people to connect with and talk about it, helps you start to feel okay. Which does eventually get better. I’m currently 12 weeks and I’ve been terrified every step of the way. Constantly worrying about things going wrong. It’s feels wrong to celebrate it because of everything that’s happened in the past. But it will get better. Do little things to help you remember what’s lost. I got a small tattoo. You will have a small thing to help you remember. It helps in small steps with the pain

Thank you for sharing and sorry to hear about your losses. Love the idea of a little tattoo. All the best with your current pregnancy xx

OP posts:

SareBear87 · 05/01/2025 21:35

Honestly OP don't feel alone, there are some amazing support groups on here. I've had more mmc than I care to talk about, each one as painful as the other but I do now have a DD!
Like you I tried to take comfort in knowing I could get pregnant but it's such a struggle. I had posters telling me their stories and they were now pregnant- it was a double edged sword. I was comforted and envious at the same time.
Please don't be afraid to speak to someone - whether online or IRL, it really does help x

Superscientist · 06/01/2025 13:34

There's a thread on the conception board for those TTC after loss. You'll never be alone there.
I had 2 losses last year and they are so supportive. I had my last loss in December so in that limbo state of physically ok but still a bit fragile emotionally.
I would say that if you are filled with dread right now about ovulation tracking, and all that, it's ok if right now you don't. I've had 3 pregnancies without tracking. I understand you are in a different position. I've always said I'll start tracking after 3-4 cycles and conceived in that time. Maybe you could give yourself a cycle or two without tracking to take the pressure off whilst you work on processing your loss. What I have done is go some reading about diet and made a few changes. My diet has been low in eggs and fish as my daughter is allergic to them. One change I'm making is introducing them into my breakfast and lunches that I can eat whilst she's in school.
I started running again between my two miscarriages and it helped me see my body as strong and capable something I definitely wasn't feeling after the first loss. I was unable to keep it up in pregnancy but I'm hoping to take this up again but just wait for the snow to go.

It might be worth having a think about simple changes that would give you some faith in your body and mind as well as a quick check that your body is still getting everything it's needs.

How long it takes to process it varies. With my first loss I took a few days off work, with my second I took an hour but then it hit me a few weeks later and then I took a day to be sad. The second time around it was on the cards for 3 weeks and I'd done a lot of feeling during that time but it wasn't quite complete. It probably still isn't.