Worried how we'll cope with baby

[dragoncrochet]

I'm approaching the end of my first trimester and it's starting to feel real!

I'm starting to get really worried about how we're going to cope with a newborn, even though we both (me and DH) have wanted a child for a long time and are 100% committed.

My DH has a chronic health condition which makes him very tired, and he needs more sleep than most. We don't have family support nearby - our families are great but they live at the other end of the country, and we don't even have a spare room for them to come and stay.

We have friends but we wouldn't really feel comfortable asking them to come round and take the baby whilst we sleep.

I'm getting worried that I will end up falling asleep with a newborn on me/ getting into dangerous situations because the reality is that I will have to do most of the care by myself, especially at night, because DH just can't function without his sleep.

I wondered about hiring someone to help but I don't know what to even look for or how much it might cost, has anyone done this before?

Does anyone have any other tips?

I’m agnostic on co-sleeping, it works for some but not others, but I do know that dozing off with your baby on the couch because you’ve moved there to try and avoid going to sleep with them in the bed is incredibly dangerous.

My child ‘co-slept’ with us from about 3am to 7am most nights from then they were about 6wks to 7months, moved to their own room at 7months and have slept through since then (now almost 2).

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with gently offering the range of options; if you find the advice frustrating, feel free to ignore it!

I agree with pp who suggest a cleaner etc - you can manage the nights if you're not trying to keep a perfect house during the day. Get someone to come twice a week to tidy up, clean, do some laundry and honestly I think you'll be fine.

If you bf there isn't much point having a night nanny as you'll have to wake up anyway and it'll cost a fortune.

I did what @Arseynal says, go to bed when the baby does and you've got a fighting chance of getting a decent amount of sleep.

@dragoncrochet Does your DH work OP? Is he out during the day?

Personally, I’m not a fan of co-sleeping and don’t see it as a valid solution. You really will manage on much less sleep than you get now. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but you will 😊

My DH works at sea and is away for months at a time and we have no family help at all (plus DS was born at the start of the lockdowns so him and I were alone from 2weeks old when DH had to leave to go to sea).

Don’t freak yourself out about it before you’re even in it 😊 take it as it comes and see how you get on. If you’re struggling and can afford a cleaner or whatever and think it’d be beneficial then organise one at the time 🤷🏻‍♀️

Is he around in the day to help or does he work? What is the plan if you have a c section/ bad tear/ birth injury? Who will help you pick up baby at night dor the first few weeks?

Do you have anywhere else he can sleep? If he needs his sleep then I'd be tempted to put him on the sofa so he can get his uninterrupted sleep and be more useful in the day. If he's in the bed then he's likely to be disturbed and less helpful in the day. Also if you're struggling with a baby that's been crying on and off for a few hours whilst you can see him snoozing away then I think it'll grow resentment quite easily.

Plus I would make the bed safe for co sleeping even if you don't plan to I don't know any mum who haven't accidentally fallen asleep feeding baby in bed and I wouldn't want to risk that with a medicated man in the bed. I did co sleep for 7/8months with both of mine as they were both awful sleepers. It was the only thing that kept me functioning.

Night nannies around me are about £220 a day.

I think you will be fine. I did all the nights as DH had a driving job and needed to sleep so never got up in the night. I didn't co sleep I just had baby in the moses basket next to the bed at night and in the moses basket downstairs in the day so I could nap when baby did.

If you can, suggest you stagger your sleep in the early days. If DH normally goes to bed at 10pm, you go for a very early sleep at 7pm so you've banked a few hours before doing the overnights, then DH is back on duty from 6am until he goes to work.

I almost exclusively breastfed so did all the overnights with DC until they stopped having overnight feeds. We did a version of this and it worked well. I found having a set time DH would take over (6am) worked well, as I knew I only had to get to that time when the nights seemed very long.

Find the safest way of doing what you need to do. I exclusively breastfeed my now 12 month old. Undiagnosed allergies means my baby was up every 10-30 mins for the first 4 months.

There was zero way I could do that so we coslept so I could snooze while baby was latched on. It was safer to intentionally cosleep than it happen accidentally unsafely.

Most cosleeping accidents happen when not intending to - e.g. falling asleep on sofa when really overtired. Intentionally cosleeping in bed intentionally following all the guidance is much safer. As safe as in own crib? No. But if that's how you get the rest you need so the falling asleep on sofa doesn't happen then it's the best option.

I'd cosleep at night and for naps if I needed extra rest (baby would also only contact nap). Send DH to sleep and get rest he needs elsewhere. Then he can use the energy to hold baby during day naps so you can go nap, or do the cooking, cleaning etc.

I was just about to say this!
But having been a single mum from pregnancy if you don't have family support for the very beginning like I did then I would use savings or take a loan out for a postpartum nanny for the first two weeks at least

Also make sure your bassinet for your pram is safe for sleeping- some are marked safe for overnight sleep. Make sure its got a brand new mattress and tight sheets and then if you are struggling baby can be in pram in living room with DP lying on couch pushing pram gently back and forth, and if they both fall asleep it's safe. I did that with baby 2 when I needed some respite from 24hour ebf.

You'll be fine. I'm another who does all of the night feeds. It really is true that at the time you do just do it and feel less tired as time goes on, at least its been the case for me. My baby won't nap in the day unless he's on me so I've never once napped in the day, but you do just get by. I make sure I keep busy in the day time and get out and about as much as I can, that definitely helps me feel less tired than sitting on the sofa/in bed. I also find it easier knowing I can sit and watch a programme with a brew while he naps, it'd be psychologically harder if I tried to put him down for naps and he wakes up and then cries because he's overtired, so I don't bother. To stay awake in the night put the TV on or play on your phone. I honestly don't see the point in both being awake at night. Can you get your partner to take baby down in the mornings/weekend mornings (depends whether he works and what hours if so) so you can get 2 hours or so?

You can do this x

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You will find a way ❤️

One of the best things you can try is to split shifts. I totally understand your concerns about your partner’s health condition, but even with that you can divide the night so that you also get rest (I.e. he could do 7pm until midnight, during which time you sleep, then from midnight you’re on duty and he sleeps, or whatever other split of hours works for you). It can make you feel like ships passing in the night but it’s usually only really necessary for a few months until your baby sleeps in longer stretches.

You can hire post partum doulas to do overnight shifts with you, but they are very expensive.

You'll manage. You'll have to, sleepless night are awful but I managed as do millions of others.