SOS - Single parent pregnant - not in relationship

[Coralreef25]

Hi,

Clutching at straws that I've turned to char forums to help me make possibly the hardest decision of my life.

About me:
I'm 35
Have a son, age 9
I am single
I raised my child as a single parent since I was 2 months pregnant
My 9 year old son has ADHD and ASD
I work full time, quite career driven
Financially OK
My job is a fixed term contract due to end at the end of this year
I live in a 2 bedroom house
I have a dog who will be 2 years old in May.

My situation:
Very casual arrangement with a guy (46 years old)
Arrangement has been for 2 years.
It's straightforward, no ties, no drama, no crap.
Respectful, healthy boundaries, minimal contact in between intercourse
The guy is emotionally unavailable
He is high risk, rides motorcycles at ridiculous speeds.

Just found out 3 days ago I'm 2/3 weeks pregnant.
Told the guy immediately. He was in shock, obviously.
Man of a few words. We have postponed having a proper conversation until we got New Year out the way.
Anyway, the very likely position, that the father would like me to terminate.
I've already booked an appointment for 3 weeks. Just as a safety net to give me time to think through.

My heart:
I would love to be a mother 2nd time round and try and enjoy it better than first time round. I was in constant turmoil. I'd like to bring another child into the world and provide unconditional love. I'd like the opportunity to do things differently and embrace it.

My head:
Fears around doing it all on my own again. Fears about not coping with 2 children. One child that's older with neurodiversity (which is really really tough going at times but so rewarding).
My dog is my world, Fears I wouldn't be able to manage to give him the same amount of walking/attention. He's the loveliest dog you will ever meet.
Fears about the father causing problems or being totally absent which may be detrimental to the child feeling neglected.
Not a big enough house nor space. And I don't have the money to move.
Fears about my job security and having to try and find another job after maternity leave.
Fears about my friends and families reactions to me being a single mother to 2 kids with 2 different fathers.
Fear that this may my last opportunity to have a child.
Fears that If I terminate how my mental health will come back from that.

Help please- I'm lonely and terrified and don't know who to turn to

It sounds like you’ve built a really good life and in your circs, with everything you’ve outlined I wouldn’t have another child
doing it as a lone parent is so so tough

There is no way on God's green earth that i would inflict another child onto my already very delicate first born, it wouldn't be fair to anyone here tbh, no one.

I would love to be a mother 2nd time round and try and enjoy it better than first time round

I can absolutely understand this but do you think you'd enjoy it more in the situation you're in?

I wouldn't have the baby (but I'm not you!).

Your life sounds good, but precarious. You don't have much of a safety net if the new baby has SEN / of your job isn't renewed / if the teen years are tricky for your existing child. A baby is hard enough already without the potential extra problems.

And fundamentally - it would probably make your son's life worse. Less time/ attention / resource from you, and not much of a sibling relationship given the age gap

It is ultimately your decision OP, you are the one who has to live with it at the end of the day.

Personally if I were in your position I wouldn’t have another child for a few reasons, one being that if the father wants a termination then they aren’t going to suddenly be a loving or present parent once baby is born, the thought of raising a baby alone alongside juggling a dog, house and an older child with additional needs will be stressful. The financial/space issue, in a 2 bed house with an older child either you or your child will always have to share with this baby if you’re not able to move somewhere with a 3rd bedroom, that would be difficult long term especially with such a big age gap & oldest having additional needs they are unlikely to be able to share so it would be you permanently giving up your own bedroom space to share. If you aren’t in secure employment that would worry me as without a partner if pregnant you could end up really stuck financially.

I personally wouldn’t do it but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t, the only person who has to live with your decision is you. It may be worth looking at it practically for a moment, are there any ways to maximise space or move, what does day to day living with your eldest look like and how would a newborn fit into that, what external support do you have or could you have etc.

Before knowing about pregnancy, say in 5 years time, what sort of life were you hoping for? Were you hoping for travelling more or any other ambitions? Would you feel resentful about potentially missing out?

If you decide to keep, I wouldn't expect or ask anything from casual friend.

Be careful and conscious of putting too much on first born sounds like he is already pretty dependant with ASD/ADHD but don't fall into an enmeshed relationship with him by relying on him emotionally and for parenting help rearing the child.

These responses are all very honest and logical. It's given me real food for thought, so thank you for taking the time to respond.

I think being a women, is that you get entangled between emotional/body/mind.

Personally I would keep the baby but that’s because I know for me the regret of the abortion would probably be the worse possible outcome/ regret.

would you consider some counselling? Either BPAS or MSI do counselling (which I did) but personally I found Choices charity free counselling the most helpful (it has some structure to it rather than let me waffle on for hours)

I already attend private counselling session, but with it being festive break, my next session isn't until a week tomorrow so I am really holding out to have that session.

I will of course speak to the father face to face.

This is going to be the most difficult decision I'll ever have to make.

The father of my 1st born created nothing but chaos. Intimidated etc etc. I also went to work full time when 1st born was 8 months old and I was on a really low wage then. I'm quite comfortable now financially, and have carved a enough of a career that I could afford to work part time. I wouldn't be rushing back to work either. Would take the full year.

I'm a totally different person now too, I've carved out a life of peace and contentment. I never had that mindset 9 years ago. And I think that's the difference.

I suppose I need to separate reality from fantasy, and I won't be taking any decision lightly.

Personally I'd terminate at this stage.

The practical stuff matters. You have a ND child already who will be heading into secondary school soon. I've seen loads of people who've had issues with that. You don't know how his teen years will be. He'd suddenly have a sibling, expect to share a room, finances may not be stable after mat leave.
It sounds like you have a lovely life right now. A baby in that will turn it upside down.