AIBU - unhappy about pregnancy announcement

[CharlieAndMoose]

Morning all. I wanted a bit of feedback from MN users to see if I'm being unreasonably upset. I'm currently 17 weeks pregnant and to date I've only told close friends and family, plus my work colleagues right before Christmas (I was starting to show, and I'm normally a drinker so it would have been obvious at our Christmas do!). Yesterday, my mum posted on Facebook announcing my pregnancy (or rather, announcing HER becoming a grandmother - I wasn't actually mentioned in the post at all), and it's really upset me that she's done this.

I have over 3 weeks before my 20 week scan, and I have multiple close friends who found out their pregnancies weren't developing at this point, so I'm conscious that things can still go wrong. DH and I were TTC for a number of years and this is my first pregnancy; I'm also an older woman so age isn't on my side. I'm so so happy to be pregnant and really enjoying the experience so far, but I'm still trying to be pragmatic about it all until I feel I'm in a "safe" place to start getting excited about the actual baby. When I told my mum I was pregnant, I said that after the 12 week scan, I didn't mind her telling people that she wanted to talk to the pregnancy about - by which I meant she could call her friends and chat to work colleagues about it (not announce it to hundreds FB "friends", most of whom are relative strangers and randoms met on holidays from 10+ years ago).

In short, I'm really upset that she's announced it in this way, particularly when I've not mentioned anything on my own SM accounts. I messaged her as soon as I saw the post asking her to take it down, explaining that it wasn't her announcement to make and that for me, it's too soon to be announcing to all and sundry, but she hasn't replied and the post is still up. Am I being unreasonable for being upset that she's done this, or should I have been more explicit with her in the first place about not using social media? I just assumed it wasn't something that needed to be said, but perhaps not!

You said you didn't mind her telling people. Social media is telling people. And you are 17 weeks. I honestly don't think she's done anything wrong!

I can completely understand why you feel that way, and you're right that it's not all plain sailing sometimes. Your mum was likely just excited. I wouldn't fall out over it. It's done now. Just calmly explain why you're upset.

Yeah I think this was your mistake if you wanted privacy.

honestly pregnancy can be stressful and it feels like a lot can go wrong.its a really anxious time for you and that’s hard…

But her intentions weren’t malicious so while it’s a bit annoying it’s well intended and was due to a misunderstanding.

Try not to get too worked up about it

It wasn’t her place to say, it’s most defiantly your place rather than hers

Defiantly = definitely

She definitely should have asked before doing a social media announcement, especially when you haven’t already announced it on yours. It was definitely wrong of her and overstepping the mark, though perhaps you should have clarified that when you said you were happy for her to tell people.

That she hasn't taken the post down after you asked her says a lot about her sense of entitlement.

It is too late on the pregnancy front, but please sit her down and get some rules in place for the future around posting, so she doesn't (for example) announce the birth before you do or post pics of your child without your permission.

My mum did the same. And her response when I said I wasn't doing pregnancy or babies online was "oh I didn't know it was a secret".

She doesn't put any pictures up now. Two babies 4 and almost 2. Definitely have a conversation about boundaries now and whether you want you baby to appear on social media or not, now rather than later.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. There is a massive difference between just telling a close friend and announcing it on Facebook!
I had a very similar situation happen and in all honesty it’s really taken its toll on my relationship with that person.
It’s your news, she should take it down and apologise.
Set very firm boundaries around social media from now on.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I'm sorry but if you didn't want her to put it on social media you should have told her. She probably thought it was ok as you told her she could tell people.
She should take it down know you have asked her to though. Does she know how to, has she seen the message asking her to take it down

She should have asked, but maybe she misunderstood you saying that she could tell people.

I think you really have to spell out these things so it's crystal clear.

Can totally understand why you are unhappy about this. No idea why your mum thought this would be ok to do this. Also just because others announced or told people earlier than 17 weeks doesn't mean that you should. It's completely your decision.

I would have a chat with her about posting on social media. My mum is also an over the top social media poster (to the point where every time she has a coffee she needs to take a photo and share it!), I mentioned that she needed to check with me each time a photo of me or my DS is posted. She has accepted this and does check each time now. I was also explicit that she could chat to people and show them photos on her phone but not post online.

Thanks all for the feedback! I think there's definitely an open-ended interpretation of what the verb "telling" means. In my head, to tell a person something means to speak with them verbally, or construct a message directly to them in a way which leads to an interpersonal dialogue. I just don't see social media posts in that way - to me, an announcement to anyone who'll take the time to read it, is different to telling. But I appreciate that not everyone shares that interpretation, so perhaps I should have set out a "no social media" clause from the get go.

Additionally, based on some PPs suggestions and experiences, it's raised a potential future issue in that I do need to set general social media boundaries sooner rather than later. I know that there's no malice in her announcement and that she's very excited. But she is an over-user of social media, and she genuinely has hundreds of people on there, of whom I probably know fewer than 5% in real life. So we definitely need to have a conversation about what she's sharing online, as I don't know who will be viewing any updates or photos she may share of my future child.

I totally get where you're coming from OP and it would annoy the hell out of me too but it's done. You can't change it.

Being so upset and feeling anxious isn't going to help at all as much as it's hard not to feel that way.

When I first got our BFP with DD2, I was about 5.5/6 weeks and not planning on telling anyone at that point for obvious reasons - DH ran straight off and told his mother who told his sisters, etc etc. Honestly, I was absolutely fuming so I know exactly how you feel (I'm also 42 so very much 'advanced age'). What's done is done though.