TW: TFMR @ 13.5 weeks - what to expect, how long to take off of work etc.

[MrsBMT]

Hi all,

I write this in tears as I accept that our much longed for baby needs to gain their angel wings, scheduled for next week. I will try and keep the story as concise as possible:

We had a traumatic early miscarriage in May this year, resulting in three major surgeries and an accidental hernia by the hospital which was repaired with open surgery. Fast forward to October we felt ready to try again, and to our amazement fell pregnant the first month trying to much joy we found out on our honeymoon.

A pretty straightforward oregnancy. Some early bleeding which was managed with progesterone but otherwise all good. I have been be unwell with sickness and fatigue, but otherwise just so happy to be pregnant. We had an early private scan at 9 weeks and baby looked wonderful, kicking about.

Fast forward to yesterday at our 12 week scan where it was found out baby had a NT of 6mm and we were told our baby very likely has a chromosomal issue but on top of this it has hydrops so would be unlikely to survive anyway. We’ve made the extremely difficult decision to TFMR.

I suppose I’m after some real stories from anybody who has had a TFMR medically in the UK. What was it like, what happened, were you in hospital overnight? What did you need to pack? How painful was it? Were you allowed to remember your baby in any way (only 13 weeks so not sure what can be done). Also how long did you take off of work? With my miscarriage earlier in the year I feel very emotionally vulnerable and don’t want to go back to work before I’m ready, but I’m also petrified of losing my job and losing out on pay (statutory sick pay is awful). I feel I need to put myself first here but it’s hard when I have bills to pay.

Any help or advice would be much appreciated.

thanks all.

Hello,

I haven’t been in your exact shoes in terms of requiring to TFMR however I just wanted to send you love at this time.

My situation is different, in that we found out yesterday our pregnancy doesn’t look to be viable at 7 weeks, but a week ago we had a scan and everything was perfect heartbeat ect. So we are now awaiting direction from the hospital on where we go from here.

I felt the need to post as I wanted you to know you are not alone in the sadness and grief at such a difficult time of year.. when it should be full of hope and excitement for the next year and instead it’s tainted and painful and you feel at rock bottom. I would like to hope that it means for the both of us 2025 can only get better than it has started 🫶🏻

I'm so sorry, I hope you're looking after yourself @MrsBMT ❤️

I had a miscarriage in July (8/9 weeks) and opted for medical management in hospital. I took the first tablet in hospital (a Tuesday), and they booked a little room for me to go in two days later (Thursday), where I'd take the second set of tablets. I actually started to miscarry on the Wednesday at home, so it didn't quite go to plan. I was essentially going between bed and the loo for 8 hours. After about two hours I just stayed on the loo. The pain stopped virtually as soon as I'd passed the sac.

To prepare for management in hospital, I was told to pack a spare set of pyjamas (keep in car) in case you need to stay overnight. They'd have kept me in overnight if I was still passing large clots/tissue but hadn't passed the sac (sorry if tmi) or if I had lost too much blood and needed closer medical supervision. I think most people are in and out the same day. They also told me to pack loads of snacks (f*ck the diet) to keep energy up, puzzle magazines, laptop with DVD/films downloaded, and a loved one to keep you going. They told me that had I gone in on the Thursday, they'd be checking in every now and again to look at what I'd passed in a commode. I wouldn't have to see anything I didn't want to.

What I will say is to make sure you ask for codeine/co-codamol and get it before you need it. They told me just to take paracetamol and I honestly nearly passed out with the pain. You can't take paracetamol with codeine and it meant I was in pain longer than I needed to be waiting for the paracetamol to wear off.

I went in on the Thursday for a scan to make sure I'd passed everything. They did offer me a memory box (I think of a scan of the baby where we found out there wasn't a heartbeat), and told us how we could apply for a death certificate. That wasn't the right thing for us, but if you ask then I'm sure they'll explain the things they can do for you. ❤️

Miscarriage is a kind of pregnancy-related illness, so it's protected in law and you shouldn't lose your job (you could sue them if they did). I was up and about the day after my miscarriage - physically, I just felt like I was on my period tbh - but it took me a couple of weeks to feel myself again. I went back to work after a week so I had something to occupy myself but asked my boss to make sure I didn't have to do meetings or anything. I have a lovely boss and she was really understanding.

There's an amazing thread on here which really got me through it. From memory, lots of people on there had tips for hospital management: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/miscarriage/1344311-Tips-for-coping-with-the-practicalities-of-miscarriage

I can't imagine why you're going through, but hope everything is okay for you and 2025 is easier on you. Fingers crossed 🤞🏼🍀🌈

I’m terribly sorry @MrsBMT. I have been through TFMR and it was the worst time of my life so far. But you will and can get through this. Have you spoken to ARC? I would highly recommend it. Unfortunately I think they may be closed at the moment with the new year bank holiday etc. Are you having medical or surgical? I had medical at 17 weeks. I ended up being kept in for 2 nights - the first night I had the baby and the second was because I had signs of infection. It wasn’t great - some hospitals have a proper suite for it but I was just on the labour ward the whole time and it wasn’t even a proper bed. However, the staff were lovely - can’t fault them. We were able to spend time with the baby, have her blessed, they made a memory box for us. And they also did all the funeral arrangements. Do you have a bereavement midwife?

For me, it wasn’t hugely painful. The emotional pain was much worse. I did get them to put up a morphine drip when I thought it was getting bad but then I had her quite soon after and didn’t need it in the end. I just wanted to be prepared. I had very little bleeding. I’d taken the tablets previously and they did some sort of internal tablet when I was admitted. I gave birth to the baby I think about 5 hours after the tablet/pessary. For me this happened in the bed.

I took about a month off work (but had already been off for over a month during all the diagnosis etc). To be honest, it was too soon for me but I’m freelance and couldn’t go any longer without pay.

I have since gone on to have another baby and there is a thread on the conception board about ttc after tfmr which you may find useful (even if you’re not ready to ttc for some time after).

Oh I also recommend the time to talk tfmr podcast. Think I listened to most of them late at night when I couldn’t sleep and wanted to scream at the world.