Miscarriage - I'm upset and angry

[landobroken]

I've had two in six months - last one ended up in surgical management last week.

I'm really quite angry/moody/frustrated and annoyed about the whole thing. I inevitably thought about how pregnant I would be at Christmas and I should have been like 35 weeks and also 12 weeks. But I'm nothing.

I'm kind of drowning in this at the moment to be honest and im just wondering how to pick myself back up. I have a 2yr old (thank god for them) my husband is good but nobody gets it, not completely. I'm in work tomorrow because it's good distraction as this house is driving me insane.

I wish I could just see the wood from the trees or whatever the saying is - I feel so bad for my child because I can't shake this cloud of sadness. I can't fathom the prospect of trying another time.

Sorry - it's just if I say it out loud in public I just feel like nobody understands exactly what I'm on about.

My point was and I forgot it - does anyone have any coping mechanisms or self help techniques to get me to rationalise this? I don't want to be sad for my child - I'm so lucky to have them and want to embrace them at Christmas but I'm just flat. I don't want to go down the antidepressant route - I don't think it's needed and I don't want to "freeze" myself if that makes sense

I'm so sorry for your loss and to hear about how you are feeling. You are going through a grieving process. Have you looked at support services? https://www.tommys.org/baby-loss-support/miscarriage-information-and-support/miscarriage-support

I'm so sorry for your losses OP

I TTC 4yrs and lost that 1st ever pregnancy on 18th Dec with medical management. A year later, I lost the next pregnancy on 8th Dec! I then had rounds of IVF and lost the next pregnancy too. We have no living children and stopped TTC a few years ago. I still think of those pregnancies, how old they might have been now. Not daily, not even monthly, but being Dec, suddenly thought- oh, he would have been 8 now and she would have been 7.

The way I got through, was thinking about the positive things I did have. I realise this sounds odd, but I assume it was my coping mechanism. Everyone's 'good' things will be different, but some of mine were:
-I lived in a country where I had modern health care and medical management was available and legal
-I have a loving husband and supportive family
-I was grateful that I'd lost most of the pregnancies before I was showing, before I'd told many people and didn't have a still birth or death shortly after birth
-We had no fertility issues ever found, so had never considered we would never have children

Sometimes, having a closure to the pregnancy can be therapeutic. Writing a letter to your babies, lighting a candle and saying some words, planting a shrub/tree etc. I think you can apply for a certificate of the pregnancy loss now, but don't know the details.

Sorry if TMI, but if you did lose the next pregnancy, they should do genetic testing on the products. I did this and the EPU sent it off. You won't always get a result, but I did, which basically meant I had older eggs by then!

Other than Tommys, this site has a helpline if you feel you need to speak to someone, along with helpful advice on their website. https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

Remember that this isn't your fault and you aren't alone. Happy to answer any questions you have OP xxx

I had four miscarriages (did eventually have a baby) when I had an older child. I had 6 1/2 years secondary infertility and losses and I was at times a very sad mentally absent mother to the older one. Having to go to the loo to have a cry. I felt ever so guilty but I just didn't have it in me to always pretend to be ok. Christmas just makes it all feel worse. Personally I went for the just keep on trucking approach. There's nothing wrong with needing help. Do speak to your GP if you think they might be helpful. Sorry for your losses.

I'm so sorry for your losses OP. Sorry if I'm reading too much into what you've written but it sounds like you're being a bit hard on yourself? You're grieving - the loss of your babies but also the loss of the future you had pictured. It's totally okay to feel heartbroken by that and not be 'yourself'.

I know it's so personal but what helped me was trying to mark it in someway, I know when I write this out it'll sound minor but it really helped - I bought a pebble with a beautiful little heart carved out and painted and I wrote their dates on the back and put it in a flower display in the garden. The whole process felt like a little ceremony and I feel like I've sort of commemorated it in a way?

I also told a couple of close friends, one sent me flowers and a lovely card which felt so touching, like I wasn't being dramatic by finding it tough?

I did also order the certificate which was super easy

I still occasionally feel a deep sadness, but the time in between is lengthening and I made clear to my partner that I'm not asking him to solve for anything or make it better but that sometimes I just need to feel sad and that's helped too - he now just hugs me and acknowledges he sometimes feels sad too and we have a quiet moment and then move on. Before it was like he was arguing against it - making the logical arguments about how it's really common, I did nothing wrong etc which I know, but wasn't helping to hear as it felt like I was being silly for being sad. Being clear about just being nice to be held for a bit has helped.

Finally, I totally understand about not wanting to jump to medication, but some therapy or talking it through may help. I get it may not feel like it will, but I think speaking to Tommy's or the miscarriage association may really help.

Thinking of you OP x

Hi @landobroken I’m so sorry for your losses. It really is absolutely shit and it’s a tough thing to cope with. I was in an almost identical situation - two MMC six months apart, with a two year old. Different things help different people but the two key things which made a big difference to me were 1. Having a plan and 2. Working out what my life would look like if I didn’t have another baby. I had to be able to picture myself happy in the future as a family of 3 and I spent a lot of time coming up with a great life for us all. It’s maybe silly but it helped me to feel positive and it took the pressure off. My plan was really just a list, medical checks I’d get done, exercise, vitamins etc - but also a list of nice activities and when I felt low I’d pick one and do it, because when I was down I couldn’t come up with good stuff, but having the list meant I didn’t have to, I just had to do it, go for a walk, jigsaw, whatever.

I don’t know if it’s any comfort but I’m 20 weeks pregnant now so it can happen, if it’s something you decide to keep going with. Take care and be gentle with yourself. You will recover x