This is my first time posting so my apologies if I’ve posted under the wrong topic, or if I’m not following a guidelined format.
I’m 38 weeks pregnant, and struggling with my in-laws. For context, I’m 39 yrs old, my husband is 34, and we’ve been together 6 years. We had an early loss previously, but this is our first pregnancy to get this far.
My in-laws could not have been nicer to me at the beginning of our relationship, but once we got engaged everything changed. I had bought my own home while single, and immediately his parents started saying he needed to get his name on the deeds asap. When planning the wedding they refused to travel to certain destinations as MIL did not want to be without cigarettes, insisted all of their siblings (18 between them) plus siblings partners, kids, and grandkids were all invited, MIL wanted to wear same colour as bridal party and FIL wanted to dress casual, and both openly admitted that they weren’t very excited about the wedding but would have been excited if it had been my SIL (DH just has the one sibling). I tried to involved my MIL by inviting her to dress fittings, to get nails, hair, and make up done - all of which she refused - and bought her jewelry to mark the day. She got quite drunk, cried throughout the ceremony and dinner, and kept shouting out that I was taking her boy away from her.
MIL & FIL are still married but live separate lives with very little communication or time spent together, and MIL has always been heavily reliant on DH for her emotional support. Last year at a family wedding MIL was drunk by the time speeches commenced, and kept shouting “that’s my boy” while my DH made the best man speech. Shortly after, we gifted her & my FIL a photo collage from our wedding, and when we next visited, one of the photos of the 4 of us had been replaced with a photo of them with my SIL & her girlfriend (whom she had only been dating a couple of months by our wedding). I was shocked but didn’t say anything. A couple of weeks later it was SIL’s girlfriend’s birthday, and my in-laws drunkenly took to social media and posted a video wishing their favourite DIL (their words) a happy birthday, and how much they love her. They also drunkenly sent the video to my DH, who was quite hurt by it too. They ‘forgot’ about my birthday a few weeks later.
With our pregnancy, when we told my parents (who already have grandchildren from my siblings) they cried they were so happy for us. They have been more supportive throughout than they have ever been before, always checking in and offering help without being intrusive. My parents are retired and have a modest living, but wanted to help in some way, especially as it’s our first child, so they purchased the buggy for us, along with smaller items like baby care products, clothes etc. We live a couple of hours from my parents, but they set aside a day every weekend, and have come to help us out with putting the nursery together and any other help we may need. My sister is a sole parent in a minimum wage job who bought us our crib as she wanted to buy something substantial for our baby. My DH mentioned the generosity of my family to his parents, who both still work full time and are significantly financially better off than my parents, and they were horrified that my family were buying brand new items for our baby. My MIL said she saw a crib online that has only been used twice previously and was free to a good home, and that she could gift us that if we wanted. Both of my in-laws said that they don’t believe in buying anything brand new for babies or children, that it is a complete waste of money, that they will get baby gifts from their local charity shop, and would we not put our hands out and ask family and friends for hand me downs instead. I was shocked as if we or they were very much struggling I would understand, but neither we or they are.
My in-laws live much closer to us, and haven’t offered any help, which is a relief for me but I feel bad for my DH. When we told them that I’m pregnant, they both made a face, and my MIL asked, and I quote, were we “taking the f*king pss”. She refused to believe our scan was legit, claiming we took it off the internet, said she’s too young to be a granny (she’s 65, and my parents are 70), and that having kids will ruin our lives and she lives she never had kids. My FIL just sat there in silence with a blank look on his face. This will be their first grandchild, and my DH was so excited to tell them, so I felt sad for him. My MIL called two days later, saying that they reacted the way they did because of how my DH told them our news, that he should have brought them out for a fancy dinner and made a huge fuss of them.
Throughout the pregnancy I’ve been really unwell - nausea, vomiting, headaches, insomnia, loss of appetite, weight loss, anemia, carpal tunnel syndrome, sciatica, gestational diabetes, preeclampsia. I’ve spent much of it at home, needing to be near a bed or bathroom for the most part, and my in-laws have been vocal of their anger at this, feeling that sickness in pregnancy is normal and not an excuse, and that I’m using it as an excuse to avoid bringing them out for dinner on a weekly basis. They have high expectations of my DH & I, which my own family would never put on me. When they visit our home, they make themselves too comfortable eg they’ll take their shoes & socks off, put their feet up on the coffee table, tell me to make them a cup of tea and a sandwich and crisps, switch on the tv, and just lay on our sofa for hours.
Now that my due date is almost here, my in-laws have said that they want to visit me & baby in hospital - I’m getting a c-section so have told DH I don’t want any visitors other than my own parents. They also said that they cannot wait to start taking baby for overnight stays - this is where my biggest issue lies. My MIL has a substance dependency. She smokes 60 cigarettes per day, and has been smoking for almost 60 years. She has said she would rather die than quit smoking. Myself & DH are non-smokers, and I grew up in a non-smoking household, and my parents never drank alcohol around me until I was 14. My MIL also is a self confessed binge drinker - she drinks on average 5 nights per week, usually 2 - 3 bottles of wine to herself, and ends up having to be carried to bed. She comes from a long line of alcoholics and substance abusers, and she has a constant smell of stale cigarettes and alcohol, as does their home. That is not an environment that I want my child exposed to, and I do not feel safe leaving a child in hers or my FILs care - they’re too selfish and irresponsible.
I’ve vocalized my feelings to my DH, who not only understands but feels the same way. However, after years of emotional manipulation from his mother, and mental abuse from his father, he’s afraid to put certain boundaries in place with them because he says they won’t see it from our perspective, and they’ll get really angry and tell all of my DHs family how awful we are to them. My MIL also has a tendency to start crying and say “I can’t deal with you picking on me” whenever confronted about her poor behaviour.
They have caused me so much stress and anxiety that I’m being treated by the mental health team and am now taking anti-anxiety medication. I guess if anyone has any similar experience or advise it would be really helpful, I feel I’m at the end of my tether with them now.
Apologies for such a long post, and thank you for reading it through if you’ve made it to here!