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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

advice needed for a friend at work

17 replies

JackJacksmummy · 29/04/2008 20:31

My friend at work is approximately 16 weeks pregnant, maybe more she doesn't know to be exact - although she has heard the heartbeat so i'm guessing definitely more than 12.

The thing is she is 17, will be 18 next month, she lives with her 17 year old boyfriend and has told none of her family.

He doesn't want the baby and she does BUT because her boyfriend doesn't want the baby she is lined up for an abortion next week. she has even said she doesn't want to kill her baby.

I feel desperately sorry for and have asked her if shes sure about what shes doing - she says she doesn't want to do it but will etc.

Shes worried about finances, where she will live, our department manager is putting pressure on her by saying she will have to come back to her full time hours or wont keep her job open for her (we work in a well known supermarket).

Please, has anyone got any advise i can give to her? I dont want her to go through with something she will regret

OP posts:
Original poster
JackJacksmummy · 29/04/2008 20:31

she is going for a scan on thursday to check her dates

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 29/04/2008 20:35

Firstly - she needs someone's support. You are clearly a good friend. Is she close to her family? Her manager cannot make that decision bout her job - employment law will give her some protection and a reasonable request for reduced hours MUST be considered seriously. And let's not forget that this is why we have a welfare state if she is prepared to live on benefits for a time if needs be.

whomovedmychocolate · 29/04/2008 20:36

Okay, first things first, she needs to book in with the midwife and find out how pregnant she is.

Your boss can't sack her for being pregnant and yes she might not be able to go back to work immediately but there are other jobs - babies are more important.

When she goes to the midwife she should ask to be referred to the local teenage pregnancy service - they will be able to give her advice on accomodation/benefits/practical help and advice etc.

If she wants to keep this baby, it's really her choice and her boyfriend can't actually force her into anything. He doesn't have to have anything to do with the baby if he doesn't want but it's her choice whether to continue the pregnancy.

avenanap · 29/04/2008 20:38

My ex was a to**er aswell. I have a lovely little boy that he hardly sees. It can be done. I have put myself through Uni (three times), I rent my own house, money's tight but I earn enough to send ds to a private school.

It's her body, not his. She must not let him talk her into something she might regret. It's easy for him, he can walk away from the relationship. She'll always remember. If she's working she cn claim tax credits. She should tell her family and get the support that she needs. Sod the job. She needs to think of what she wants. Once she's had an abortion she'll never be able to get the baby back.

She must be in bits. You must be a lovely person to care about her.

EffiePerine · 29/04/2008 20:38

Por girl . All you can do is enphaise that she does have options. Pretty sure that her manager can't insist on full-time hours (she has a good claim to constructive dismissal if he does)

Original poster
JackJacksmummy · 29/04/2008 20:44

i dont think shes close to her family, her mum died a while ago and she was living with her step-dad - hence why she rents with her boyfriend - i'm not sure who else is in her family.

I've told her i can help out with baby things, and even to the point of helping out with childcare if she has it and goes back to work (and if the dad doesn't want to know i've said i'll be with her at the birth if she wants)

I was 18 when i was pregnant and single and have done it myself (i didn't tell my family til i was 7 months)

OP posts:
EffiePerine · 29/04/2008 20:56

You sound like a great friend - it must be a huge help to talk to someone who has been through this themselves. Hope she gets the support she needs - is there a local teenage pregnancy unit or something she can go to for info?

Original poster
JackJacksmummy · 29/04/2008 21:00

i dont know - i'm sure there must be - she says she has heard of a mother and baby unit where she can stay, i offered for her to come round thursday evening and we can try to work some things out but i think i'll get a head start and start googling.

OP posts:
EffiePerine · 29/04/2008 21:04

Good luck

Mawma · 29/04/2008 21:16

hi all, this brings back memories. I got pregnant at 16 and couldn't tell anyone, when i eventually went to the doctors i was 15weeks, heard the heartbeat and just knew i couldn't get rid of my baby, i told dp and eventually he told his parents when i was 19weeks. It was very stressfull for all of us, his family were very dissapointed in us and hit us with "what about money, work, house". It was hard but we managed and our lovely ds was born when i was 17 and dp was 18. Our ds is now nearly 9 and we look at him every day wondering where we would be without him. If your freind has the correct support she can get through this, my dp at the time didn't want a baby either and thought he would be a crap dad, he is the best dad and he even asked me to have another baby as he loved being a dad, our dd is nearly 5. We got married 2 years ago and life is good.

colacubes · 29/04/2008 21:27

Poor girl, it is hard being so young and pregnant, especially with no support from her bf or family. I know before a termination you have to have counselling, but tbh, I have never heard anyone say it was anything other than, do you want to? yes! sign here!

It will be hard, but she can do it, tell her how if she needs support it is out there and you will help her find it, just start a thread on here for help in your area for teen mums and something will pop up. As for costs, I have a load of stuff I could pass on if she needs anything and I am sure there are other mns who would contribute to help.

But most of all she has to be sure of her decision either way, and if she is so far along, and having serious doubts it could be something she will regret for ever.

Hope she is ok, and you being a wonderful friend to her, please tell her there are loads of us on here who have done it alone, and come out the other end, a success story.

All the best

p1umpudding · 29/04/2008 21:30

This is a very sensitive situation, but from an HR perspective your friend is entitled to take a minimum 52 weeks maternity leave regardless how long she has been employed and is entitled to her job back at the end of her leave (or a job with similar responsibility if there has been a bit of a reshuffle). After being employed for a year, your colleague can request flexible working hours, although there is no guarantee that this has to be accepted. Working for a well-known supermarket chain, I would imagine that she would have no problem going part-time/ flexi hours - take a look at your maternity leave policy. Her Manager cannot deny her the chance to come back to work and I would therefore report the Manager to HR!

colacubes · 29/04/2008 21:42

Just thinking my mum is a union rep in a very well known supermarket (begins with a t), and if it is the same supermarket chain, I am sure she could speak with the right people regarding your friends situation, and make sure she is well looked after.

Kezza7779 · 29/04/2008 22:04

does she realise she has to give birth to the baby in order to terminate? thats quite something else - poor girl, fair play to you helping and supporting her. Good luck x x

Mawma · 01/05/2008 09:39

she won't need to give birth. they will do the dc version.

West · 01/05/2008 11:54

for extra support & information, you could suggest that she looks at
www.careconfidential.com/
tel: 0800 028 2228
or see if there's a centre near you.

they offer "a calm space, a listening ear, accurate information and time to think through the decision-making process" and "friendly support and practical assistance".

Kezza7779 · 01/05/2008 21:15

wow thats unusual to do evacuation as late as about 16 weeks - this may well not be the case when she finds out how far gone she actually is?! could be the thing that makes her change her mind?!

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