Awful birth ‘options’ meeting

[Padronpeppersplease]

I’ve just had my 28 week birth options meeting with a midwife and wondering if anyone else has had a similarly pushy experience. She asked me about whether I intended to breast or bottle feed and also what I’m planning for the birth. I said I was 99% sure I wanted to exclusively bottle feed and then also that I was considering an elective c section. I’d heard previously that the NHS try and push both breastfeeding & natural births but I was not prepared for how pushy this midwife was! She said to me that bottle feeding was ‘way worse for baby’ and that ‘a c section was a million times harder on my body’ than a natural birth would be. According to her as my body is built for birth I don’t need to worry about the pain of natural labour and tears during labour aren’t anywhere near as bad as the potential complications of a c section, she also said that opting for a c section would limit the number of children I could have. Despite all this I’m still leaning towards a c section, I’m under no impression that it’s easy recovery & without risks but I honestly feel now like I’m doing something totally outlandish by opting for it.

I don’t either.

All 3 of my DC have been or are currently formula fed. No changing formula, no changing bottles, no colic etc.

2 perfect prep machines for when night feeds were needed. Use mam bottles because they self sterilise in the microwave.

Easy peasy.

Surely pros for the mum is a pro for the baby though? What's the point of a mum struggling through something they're not enjoying or not wanting to do if they're finding it too hard? Surely that's not helpful for bonding with the baby so in turn isn't a pro for them if you see what I mean? I'm not trying to be deliberately argumentative 😅 just interested to see what people think

Well, the benefits of colostrum, passing on of antibodies etc will happen regardless of whether the breast-feeding mother is delighted with life or finding BF tiresome, confining or difficult.

All these posts - so many telling another woman what she must do or shouldn’t be allowed to do to or with her own body. So
much internalised misogyny.

Still makes me wince remembering steroid injections 24 yeas on 😱 I didn't cry but I bit the pillow...hard!!

What's this to do with bonding though? Yes it's health benefits but not sure how that's a bonding thing

I think a lot of the replies here are a bit pushy so I don't want to come across that way, but I have to say that breastfeeding has so many benefits it's incredible. My first was ebf, I was absolutely clueless really as a ftm but ended up feeding her for 18 months as the benefits are endless. I ended up so absolutely knackered though, that I was sure I'd never bf again. I'm now 30 weeks pregnant with my second 7 years later and was adamant at the start that I'd ff, however, as the pregnancy has progressed, I now know that I absolutely can't not bf again. What it provides your baby is incomparable to formula.

I would go for breastfeeding nowadays in case there was a problem getting formula milk especially with all the warmongering and instability in the world. I also don't think I'd trust what's in them. I know what I'm eating more or less

I don't think the women here 'telling' other what they should do is internalised misogyny - not when it comes to labour, birth and breastfeeding.

I'm sorry they made you feel this way (they can be rude and pushy indeed).
I would say that the mistake here is being "99% sure" of anything. Your goal must be getting all the information and keeping an open and alert mind.

OP, you don’t need to justify your desire for a c-section or your desire to formula feed to any of these people. You have a right to choose how you do this.

Everyone has their own way of wanting to give birth and feed their baby, but when that person starts extrapolating from their own experience to the point they are telling you what to do and judging you, that is when they are out of line.

Ask to see a consultant, you have a right to this. They should hopefully talk you through your options honestly and rationally.

Sorry you’ve had to deal with this midwive, and then a bunch of narrow minded comments to boot. Women can be each other’s worst enemies sometimes.

Read scientific evidence properly.

Uauy R., de Andraca I. Human milk and breast feeding for optimal mental development. J. Nutr. 1995;125:2278S–2280S. doi: 10.1093/jn/125.suppl_8.2278S. 

YOU’RE wrong.

The benefits are great and not true about sleep disturbance.

But this is exactly the point. It’s all
anecdotal and personal. Everyone has a different experience both good and bad. It doesn’t mean either is good or bad BUT both can be difficult for different reasons.

Just becasue it was easy for you, I, they doesn’t mean it will be for everyone. Just because it was hard for you doesn’t mean it will be for you, I or they.doesnt mean it will be for everyone.

We can go back and forth forever and pile on with personal experience or stories or anecdotal evidence but no one can say how it will be until it happens to them.

See I am a firm proponent of breastfeeding and I do think it's a very easy way for bonding with your children.
However I have to say that the way people use breastfeeding as a synonim for bonding really frustrates me: mothers and mother figures and babies can and do bond through many kinds of interactions. It's true that physical contact (skin to skin) and presence during feeding are the way nature helps us to do it more easily. But please: human mammals are very sophisticated creatures and can imitate nature when needed. Being physically present and engaging with your child while feeding is in essence what's needed, as well as being atuned to her needs and responding to them as best as you can. You can do it while giving formula, you can do it with adoptive children. I know it's not the same, but if it's done well it's a testimony that humans can be quite fascinating.

The study you've quoted is nothing to do with bonding which is what the point was? I think you've confused yourself.

Aside that it's not on the topic I was posting about, I've also ready that research before, and accounting for just two confounding factors makes the results barely statistically significant. It's likely that it is correlation and not causation.

Same! My face is creasing up just thinking about the pain. Honestly awful 😖

A tad over dramatic - some formula is produced in the UK and others in mainland Europe. What in formula don’t you trust?

Of course.

I’ll always be positive about formula feeding, especially when it’s someone who wants to from birth because it always turns into people trying to get the OP to breastfeed.

Like a pp said, her body, her choice seems to go out of the window when it comes to breastfeeding.

Oh god are women still doing this to each other?

I agree. I fed four for varying lengths of time and I'd always suggest someone give it a go unless they have strong reasons not to, for the simple and utterly selfish reason that once established it can be a damned sight easier and more convenient than FF, especially when travelling.

However women msy well have good reaons (medical or personal) to FF and shouldn't be harangued and hectored into breastfeeding any more than they should be treated like incubators when pregnant. One of my friends was NCT FF advisor for 20 odd years and whilst some babies switched to soy based due to milk allergy most settled perfectly happily on one of the mainstream formula options.

Most of the NHS advice on feeding is both counter productive and badly delivered. The reality is they have little or no practical help to offer women, in which case the hectoring lectures just serve to undermine women instead of supporting them. A calmer, practical discussion would probably achieve more progress but that happens too rarely.

Also it's from 30 years ago. Lots of new data since then with better research designs, as outlined in the article I linked to above.

I guess I'll have to take that on your authority...

Why should she give it a go if she wants to use formula? She doesn’t need a reason, just personal choice. Formula is really easy so no faffing about as many breast feeders claim.

Unfortunately some posters believe that you are a second rate mother if you don’t breast feed or try to. Thank goodness we have choices!