Health visitor / community midwife - anxiety over coming to the house

[Gilo2024]

Firstly would like to note I am grateful for the NHS and the maternity care we receive in the UK.

Currently 36 weeks, second baby. The health visitor is today coming to my house - not sure why really. I was surprised to get the call for a visit as I only remember the visits after birth with my first, but this is apparently now normal practice.

I work from home and don't usually have the heating on in the day day but it's gone on (don't want her thinking it's too cold for a baby), sweep up, tidy up, deep clean etc. I know they aren't here to judge my house, but I guess human nature means I'll feel like she is, would hate the a messy house gets reported back or something!

I'm sure she's perfectly lovely and is just doing her job but is there any need (aside from safeguarding issues of course - there are none with us) to come to my house, especially as a second time mum? Giving me massive anxiety!

Also dreading the after birth visits, appreciate they are necessary of course but so soon after birth when you're a dishevelled sleep deprived mess - the baby is sleeping and all they want to do is weigh them in the cold and wake them up 😂

Anyone offer any advise as to what she will discuss today and why it needs to be at my house?

Not in the UK so I don't have advice on what the visit is for or what to expect. But after having my first baby and the house felt disheveled and messy I kept apologising for the mess when the community Midwives would visit. They always commented 'we'd be concerned if the house was too clean' and I couldn't understand it at all, why would anyone be worried if my house is clean?😂 So I eventually asked what they meant, and they said if you have a perfectly clean house then there's no way you're giving the time needed to care for a newborn baby. So in essence they do not expect a perfect house and apparently would be questioning your priorities if it is spotless. Hope that helps! They're all people too and know what its like with work/children/new baby so I wouldn't over think it😊

I also didn't realise this was a new thing until I started to see quite a few posts on here regarding visits before the birth. Although, I'm in the South East (36 weeks, third baby) and no one from the health visiting team has contacted me to come round my house. Im still working full time and due to have an elective c section at 39 weeks so not sure when a visit would even happen before.

From the previous posts I've seen it's just for them to introduce themselves, check if you have any concerns or questions before baby arrives and to confirm you are aware of safe sleeping methods etc. Tbh, I'm the same as you, I found them coming round after my previous births annoying and would rather they didn't, but I understand it's also for safeguarding and all that stuff, so just let them do what they need to. I only ever had minimal contact with them both times and never contacted them for anything but I guess some people do find them useful.

When I had dd2 almost 3 years ago, she visited prior the birth to give a whole load of leaflets about safe sleep, feeding, temperatures for baby's room, etc. I seem to remember she asked some questions, possibly about if we had family/friends nearby by, if DH would have time off, etc.

They always commented 'we'd be concerned if the house was too clean' and I couldn't understand it at all, why would anyone be worried if my house is clean?😂 So I eventually asked what they meant, and they said if you have a perfectly clean house then there's no way you're giving the time needed to care for a newborn baby. So in essence they do not expect a perfect house and apparently would be questioning your priorities if it is spotless

While I totally get that they mean this in a reassuring way, I have heard this before too and really wish they would just stop with this. As an autistic person, having to guess the exact right amount of mess they deem acceptable is really stressful.

There's obviously a level of filth that would ring alarm bells (ie mould growing on plates, no floor space to stand etc) and apparently now there is a level of clean that would also ring alarm bells too.

I have inherited a lot of anxiety from my mother who would always clean like mad for visitors. Genuinely I don't know what a normal amount of mess looks like. Everyone I know cleans before visitors and so I don't tend to go in houses that are "acceptable messy".

Everyone's babies are different and everyone's recoveries are different. A stranger coming around to my house knowing they will be making judgements (even for good reason) does cause me a lot of anxiety and simply popping baby in a sling and doing some cleaning or getting my mum around to help out so I can clean in advance 9 of them coming is a million times less stressful than letting them into a house that I deem too messy.

It's absolutely not a sign I am neglecting my baby and if anything is a sign of how much the house visits stress me out. If they really care about my well-being they could always give people the choice of home visits or attending the health centre but they don't.

All these "words of reassurance" do is have me now second guess how much tactical mess I should leave around to avoid alarm bells. I would hope they would acknowledge that for some people the stress and effort of cleaning (even while exhausted) outweighs the stress of letting them in a messy house.

I think it's meant lightheartedly. A way of making people feel OK about it if they can't get every little job done. And I assume to say it, they must have encountered scenarios where women were neglecting themselves or compromising their recovery to clean the house. They're speaking from experience I guess.
There's exceptions to everything, and I think bottom line you just do what's comfortable for you. If a Midwife or HV was actually concerned they'd just ask. You don't have to change your way of doing things for them.
This was meant to reassure the OP as she expressed worry that her house wouldn't look perfect. Anyway, we're all very different people and that's what makes the world go round, it's not that serious.

Thanks all for your comments. As expected the lady was perfectly pleasant and as baby isn't born yet I was able to clean a bit.
She went through various things (which did seem unnecessary to a second time mum!) but they have to I suppose.
The whole visit felt like a waste of time, the only useful thing was I got the child red book (NHS issued) but that could have been pooped through the door!

I certainly won't be worrying about how clean the house is on the next visit and she only went in the lounge as it happens.

I agree they should offer these appointments at Dr's/local community hospitals etc. I almost asked her if she was ill (I wouldn't have let her in if she was, I'm a bit of a germaphobe) but thought better of it.

I did feel silently judged the whole time though - she said nothing to make me think that and went though various personal questions - but the whole time I was thinking 'what if I say something wrong!' Also the questions on myself, partner, ex partner (I have a child from a previous relationship who lives here half the time) etc felt very invasive!

God no way would I be cleaning especially for a health visitor

we are a busy house with a toddler and newborn

when she came to me it was a week or so after my baby was born

all the breakfast bowls were out still at lunch time

my toddlers toys everywhere

none of us dressed yet

sleeping baby on my lap and toddler and husband happily playing

normal chaos of a house with a young family

I like to have a generally tidy nice smelling house before visitors, even health visitors so I can relate to you in that sense. They won’t contact SS unless there is very good reason to, and a slightly messy house would not cause this. I’m on my second pregnancy and I might ask to opt out of a visit at home before the birth as I know about safe sleep, breastfeeding etc. but a visit after birth can be helpful especially if there are concerns or just someone talk to. I would say don’t worry so much they are very much used to not judging people.

@remaininghopeful23 I wasn't criticising you for saying it to OP and I'm sorry if it came across like that. I thought your post was helpful and supportive.

I was simply saying that I wish THEY wouldn't say this if their intention is to reassure, as for a lot of us it's not reassuring. I think there's better ways for them to put across that it's ok for your house to be messy.

I don't think "we'd be concerned if..." should be said in a lighthearted way personally, especially when they're seeing people at such a vulnerable time.

Not all of us are good at knowing when something like that is lighthearted and when it's not, and so a throwaway comment can cause a lot of worry. As health professionals I don't think it's wrong for me to want them to be aware of that and be a bit more careful.

I apologise if I came across as critical towards your post.

I declined the pre birth visit. It wasn't convenient at the time and when I called to ask if I had to do it they said no! They do the safe sleep etc in the hospital anyway