Feeling very private about pregnancy with in-laws

[Clt1983]

Hi Everyone,

Genuinely not sure if I'm being unkind or this would be rational to anyone else.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant with our first child. This is from our 5th IVF attempt and we used a donor egg to finally get pregnant. We're both delighted but naturally anxious after a lot of bad news but everything has been fine.

The area where I'm struggling is with his parents. I didn't tell my parents until about 16/17 weeks because I wanted to get further ahead and my partner's parents made me feel uncomfortable when we told them at 13 weeks. They know very broadly of our IVF issues after the fact so it obviously means a lot to them too but they were crying and holding onto me and getting ahead of themselves whilst we were both trying to say 'well, there's still a long way to go'. I know it meant a lot to my partner that they were so happy though.

By contrast, when I told my dad he welled up and we had a big hug but he said 'I'm not going to cause a big fuss because I don't want to put any pressure on you'. And even now, as happy as he is, he will only talk about it if I bring it up because he knows I don't want to be having to give a running commentary. My mum has been talking about it a lot more and for a while I held off sending a scan photo or photo of my bump but I now feel mostly ok sharing more within reason but she also respects my privacy and hasn't pushed the issue when I've not wanted to send stuff. They've both also been nothing but supportive about me not travelling home the 4hrs to see them this year and both just want me to be safe and not worry about the journey.

I've seen my in-laws twice since we gave them the news. My MIL has been texting me regularly throughout asking how I'm feeling and what's going on which I've dealt with by replying but maybe waiting a few hours so it's not part of an ongoing conversation. When we saw them a few weeks ago, they were immediately on me with big hugs when we're not really huggers (they live 20 mins away and we'd generally see them regularly anyway) and his mum's hands went straight to rub my stomach. They kept talking about the baby and asking questions and after lunch his mum took me into the living room and I felt like I was getting interrogated 'what's your work maternity package like, when are you next seeing your consultant, when's your next scan' etc. I told my partner the next day and he completely understood why I found that a bit overwhelming and he hadn't seen the stomach rub or heard the questions. He offered to tell his mum to back off but I asked him not to.

Yesterday we went round and again it was hugs and I deliberately turned my back to his mum to take my shoes off as she was hovering right behind me to try and reach for my stomach again. But as soon as I sat down, she was right by me asking to see my bump and the dad came right over too to look. I didn't lift my top and just fobbed them off with 'well, it's in there.....' but again it was questions and more tears when we told them the sex and holding onto my arm whilst I showed them the photo and hugging me. I could feel myself shutting down and giving vague answers when I was being asked how I was feeling and how big the baby is etc but did eventually relent a bit and show them my scan photos etc and talked about the baby's movements etc. When we left my partner was really upset and said I'd been cold with them and they were being nothing but loving and I should be happy they're showing an interest. He pointed out that I'm also resentful because I'm not seeing my family at Xmas but his parents are having one Xmas day on the 14th Dec and another at his sister's on Xmas day with the same family members at both whereas I'm just going to have a few days with my dad between 17-20th Dec when he comes to visit.

My view is that I want people to treat me as a person still, not just as an incubator, that all the conversations are around the baby and I don't necessarily want to share all my information and that after all the years of issues, I don't want the additional pressure of it being all we talk about and also now being held in this elevated status where they make a big fuss of me just because I'm pregnant. I did apologise if he thought I'd upset them and later sent them the scan photo by message.

The irony is that I'm happy to be open with friends and even with family as long as I'm the one offering the information and I don't feel it's being pulled from me or I'm expected to show my bump to be cooed over. My partner hasn't even told any of his friends yet or his sister because she's had some things going on in her personal life so I'm also annoyed that my privacy is unreasonable but his is not. He also has regularly complained in the past about his mum being overbearing or too much of a worrier and not being able to drop things.

I don't want to hurt them or upset them as they are fundamentally good people but I'm allowed to have boundaries too. I've been asked a few times about my due date and I'm having a C-section due to a previous op so I will know the date but I wasn't planning on sharing this with anyone (my family and friends included) as I don't want our first day with our baby to be spend updating people by text on what's happening or feeling like I have to have his parents to the hospital which I know they'll expect as they did this for their own daughter. I've previously told my partner that I may be heavily medicated, potentially in quite a lot of discomfort and I want to get used to having a baby and not be worrying that people will swoop in and expect immediate cuddles.

So am I being overly precious and unnecessarily private and I should be happy that they care and are so excited? Or is it reasonable to not want to share everything and to want our conversations to be around more than just this pregnancy?

I think this post sums up all the emotions of pregnancy - it's a wild ride with all the hormones flying about and for 9 months, pretty much everything is about pregnancy I'm afraid.

What you've described with your parents and your in laws are both normal family reactions - In fact you've pretty much summed up the difference between my mum and dad (my mum being exactly like your in laws, my dad being like yours). I kind of just roll my eyes at DH when my mum starts with the OTT hugs and trying to touch my stomach. She calls everyday and it's mostly to talk about the baby.
I'm generally more like my dad so more reserved anyway and not much of a hugger so it's a bit weird for me.

If it's really an issue, maybe DH could talk to them? How would they likely react to that?

I think the main thing to focus on is how lovely it is to read that both your families are so happy and excited for you. Many expectant parents don't have that support network so that's amazing.

I'm 22+2 so around the same stage as you and, yes, there's still a way to go, but don't be scared to allow yourself a little bit of excitement too.

Thanks @sel2223 I think if he spoke to them they would back off but would be quite sad and worried that they'd upset me. There's no malice there, it's just that they're very different to me and my family (not just with this, in general we're different types of people). I find it a bit uncomfortable that they almost seem to like/love me more because I'm pregnant? Which I know I should be grateful for but it makes me feel like if I wasn't having a grandchild I would be of less value in their eyes? I remember their daughter saying she felt like their grandchild's mother rather than their daughter when her child was born so that's probably in my head a bit too. I do feel that I am more excited now, I do genuinely believe that the baby will get here safe and healthy, but it has taken a while to believe that and that's not helped as it felt like them getting over-excited (in my eyes) meant more pain for them and us if we had to tell them something had gone wrong and I was trying to keep it in check for them.

Just tell them to back off. Pregnancy made me feel immensely private and rather bovine. I was living away from home for work for most of it, and just stopped seeing anyone and spent all my evenings listening to music by the fire by myself. I didn't tell anyone other than DH and my midwife until I was almost 20 weeks, and when people annoyed me by going on about it, I just asked them civilly to stop, and that they didn't need to talk about my pregnancy every time I met them in the lift at work, I was also just a normal person doing my job, while pregnant.

Gosh I'd find that overwhelming too. I don't really enjoy talking about my pregnancies, and especially not with family - I tend to mind less with friends and colleagues who are also in the midst of having babies for whatever reason. In particular, I'd hate having someone wanting to touch my bump. There's no other time of your life people feel entitled to invade your space and I just can't see why pregnancy should be any different.

I'd actually ask your partner to say something, especially given he's already offered to do so - say it nicely and not as though you're criticising his family, as we can all be sensitive about that, but just that you're finding the wanting to touch you and know your private medical information overwhelming. His mum may well be a bit offended, but actually that's on her - she's the one overstepping very normal boundaries and you shouldn't have to accept feeling uncomfortable because you/your partner are dancing around her feelings.

They asked you to show them your bump?! MIL put her hands on you without asking? Wow. There's nothing to feel that early on anyway.

They are obviously just excited but they are massively overstepping. All the emotion and crying is too much - they're thinking of themselves, not you. You're the one going through this. You shouldn't be having to absorb their emotions.

When I was pregnant my PIL were very over the top crying and thanking me when I said I was pregnant!
His mum also did touch my belly without asking - DH did ask her not to do that again.
I did find it too much and it was overwhelming- I think it’s very pressuring and concerning about how they’ll behave post partum!
With my in laws it did cause issues as they had a set idea of what GPs did which was different to mine - not saying this is the case with you but it might be a good idea to discuss boundaries with DH before baby is here
I think try explaining again to DH when he’s calmer I think it’s important he gets your perspective

I understand where you're coming from OP. Would it help if you reframed it a bit - love can grow when you add to family, it's not transferred or divided up (so they say after your first child). That's probably how they feel, and yes they're being a bit much.

I do think you should ask your partner to speak to them - it's ok to put your feelings first after everything you have been through. I'd hope they'd understand if he says "OP has been through a lot with IVF, please don't make a fuss about the baby. She'll be happy to tell you all the details when she's ready." Maybe you could then do roughly fortnightly updates so they still feel involved, and so you meet them a little bit of the way. Don't feel like this in silence or else you'll go through your whole pregnancy and birth feeling resentful.

Oh man.
Imagine what they will be like when the baby is here. My mum was like this.

Set the boundaries now OP. There will be no need to be cold or short with them if you say ahead of time "Just a heads up all the pregnancy and baby talk is making me feel a bit claustrophobic. I'm happy to share updates throughout our pregnancy when I am ready as I know how excited you are but could it please not be the only topic of discussion when we see you?"

At least then your feelings are out there.

It's OK to have boundaries but also is it a bit of putting your guard up in case something goes wrong? If it is I understand where you're coming from, I went through a lot to get my second baby. But don't let your worries take away the joy of your pregnancy. It's the most wonderful time, let yourself enjoy it. And huge congratulations!

It sounds like they're just very excited for you and that they're very open about showing it.

I know it's overwhelming but trying to see the love from it, your MIL's texting you daily to see how YOU are, she's possibly trying to combat the 'My MIL isnt interested in me - only the baby' thing and gone a little too much the other way.

If it's too much ask your husband if she can tone it down a bit, that you're touched they care so much but you'd like them to chill out a little as you're feeling a little overwhelmed with the changes? If they're as loving as you've made out they may be a little taken back initially but respect and appreciate that's what you want and follow as told.

It genuinely doesn't read as they're being deliberately too much - just very excited grandparents. My MIL was similar - she backed of a little once my husband asked her too - and whilst she's still very involved (which my son adores) she got less invasive about it and more helpful and considerate.

Hope the pregnancy goes well.

@Clt1983 on your side OP. think his mum might be really overbearing once baby is here. I would have had kittens if anyone tried to touch my bump! I think that is quite rude and invading your personal space! your other half seems to have done a u-turn on his reaction to your feelings!!

Thanks everyone. I think the varying opinions highlight why I'm confused about my feelings about all this and whether I'm being too shut off or just try to create reasonable boundaries. Agree that having a conversation with DP is probably the way to go, whilst phrasing it in a way that doesn't sound like a criticism of his parents. I don't want to dread being rubbed on the stomach and having to answer countless baby questions over a turkey dinner this Xmas which is how it feels like it may be at the moment.

My in laws were like this and to be honest I revelled in the attention but I do understand how you feel especially with everything you’ve been through.
I would definitely ask your DP to say to his mum not to touch your bump but I don’t think they’re doing anything wrong by being excited. I think what’s tricky is that you see it as your information and they see it as the baby’s information so it wouldn’t occur to them they are over stepping.

Yikes! This is very intense and intrusive and people who make grandchildren their be all end all worry me generally - it's too much pressure on the child and parents to fill a gap in someone else's life. It's not their baby and they should be happy for you and DH without acting like you're an incubator or surrogate having a baby for them.

My friend had a similar issue with her in-laws (they weren't as bad tbf) and did ask her DH to ask them to take their lead on discussing it - they too had a history of MC. Also agreed with all family that first 6 weeks, people could visit but no one could stay the night and baby wouldn't be travelling to anyone those weeks - to stop either set of parents taking over the baby and allowing her and DH to settle into a routine.

You're uncomfortable for a reason. The baby is yours and DH and his parents are old enough to manage their excitement and be restrained with questions/no touching to respect your wishes. The baby isn't here yet, it's your body and no one should be touching you or interrogating you on your body and medical history. So just gently but firmly set your boundaries and agree with DH some rules after baby is born too.

This actually reminds me of how my mother was. She was extremely excited about my pregnancy but as someone who didn't respect boundaries at the best of times and made everything about her, she was a nightmare. The last thing I needed in a difficult risky pregnancy was trying to manage her demands and feelings.

First off she badgered me early on for details I didn't want to give, then blabbed to other people when I'd asked her not to. She claimed I didn't tell her not to pass it on. That really upset me. When I went into hospital she phoned constantly and it was a barrage of
"Oh I've been so worried I haven't heard from you is something wrong is the baby ok what's happening I thought something must be wrong you will tell me when something happens won't you I've been worrying so much I can't sleep you didn't answer the phone"

And so on. She called the ward and got the midwife to drag me to their office phone. (With hindsight I should have said no!)
It was exhausting. Really exhausting, at a time when I was physically and emotionally weak. Don't let your in-laws drain you like this, even if they're doing it out of excitement. They are not putting your welfare first. And if they carry on like this up to the birth and after, you'll end up resenting them.

Sounds like you've been through a lot and how you feel is perfectly justified. MIL touching a bump without asking is never ok but obviously not the worst thing in the world. I would get OH to speak to them about chilling out a bit and id limit info I gave them to protect my sanity!

I totally agree with you that this is the right approach. They would probably MUCH rather you/DH just told them straight rather than having to wonder why you are being cold with them (not that you mean to - you sound very lovely)

they are very excited clearly which is nice, but they need to learn to meet you where you are a bit more.

practice being honest and direct with each other now - having little ones in the family can sometimes make things a bit more intense and it’s a great thing to work o being comfortable having open communication with them.

If they genuinely care about you they will be open to hearing how you’d like them to be around you.

Good point by @houwseevryweekend - these people are grown ups, and should be capable of managing their excitement. They should understand that their behaviour is too full on and that it isn't ok to constantly bombard an expectant mum with questions about the baby. They should also hold back their tears in front of her. She shouldn't be thinking of how to manage their feelings.

Man they sounds like complete monsters. Disgusting behaviour. Crying after a long journey on IVF, caring enough to ask you continually asking to see you are okay, asking about the baby and wanting updates about their grandchild and due date.

Yeah they might have gone a bit over the top but it isn’t just your baby. It’s your partners and a grandchild. You are making this all about you and what you want.

I completely disagree with you. It’s a big deal for everyone and you are wanting to create boundaries/barriers, privacy and communication unreasonably against what your partner wants and what is pretty normal.

You even touched on the fact that you don’t want to tell then the due date so that you don’t have to text them all day after the birth. I suggest you move to a deserted island and be completely on your own (with baby of course).

It all sounds pretty normal really and your own mum isn't behaving much differently to your MIL from what you say. You really don't want to piss off the ILs if your relationship with them is otherwise quite good. They will be your baby's grandparents and hopefully good support to you after the birth. You never know when you might need them. The one thing I would find extremely intrusive is both of them gawping at your stomach and as for rubbing it - just no!

Seems like you don't want them anywhere near you. Must be hard for your dh

Do you not want your baby to have a relationship with his family? Because if you don't, keep doing what you're doing and they'll back all the fuck off and maybe they won't come back.

Why do so many people expect everyone to react just like they would! We are all different and there is no right or wrong way to feel. Not everyone likes being touched, great if you do but it’s fine if you don’t.

@Clt1983 after what must have been a difficult journey it is no wonder you are overwhelmed and PIL behaviour is more than you are comfortable with. It is your body and no one has the right to touch you without your consent.

YANBU to ask your DH to ask his parents to stop touching your bump and certainly expecting you to raise your top is a hard no.

With regard to the questions, texts etc. these are harder to manage and I think your tactic of delaying responses is a sensible approach. Possibly responding once a day or less with an I’m doing well, may reduce the texts. WRT the questions, have a stock of bland responses you can trot out.

I think keeping the date of your C-section confidential is the right approach. I’ve known many others do this or give their due date knowing the C-section is earlier. As I’ve said before everyone is different, wanting time immediately after an operation to feel slightly normal before having visitors is not unreasonable.

I think to head off potential problems you and your DH need to think ahead and agree some boundaries, you can always change them but work out what you want now rather than when the issues arise. If you talk about them now as agreed long before they happen it helps manage expectations.

Their reactions are not normal.

Massively over the top and totally intrusive. Making it all about them.

Congratulations OP. I felt the same during my IVF pregnancy and birth. However, telling people to back off is one of the things you will just need to become good at, when the baby is here get ready to receive endless unsolicited advice from MIL, family, friends, strangers waiting in a queue with you, etc.

I dealt with this after an IVF pregnancy with both my own mum and MIL and I totally, totally get it. I had the whole “incubator” feeling, the sense of intrusion when I am naturally very private, and the difficulty of managing their emotions and excitement when I was still holding my breath that baby would arrive. I sympathise!

I dealt with it by grey rocking a bit (no specific boundary setting, just changed subject, moved away if hands came towards the bump, didn’t text back immediately etc). FWIW it didn’t translate into anything overwhelming when baby arrived, in fact it calmed down into something more natural and familial and I was fine with them being over the moon about baby being here - it was easier because by that point baby and I were separate and it wasn’t about me / me being pregnant (if that makes sense).