This will be a long post, which I have created on a new user (I'm a very active user otherwise and need the anonymity). I just need... some support and outside perspective, I guess. I will try to write as concisely and void of emotion as possible, but since I am distraught, there's bound to be some venting.
Some facts: I'm in my third trimester with my second baby, baby number is 2YO. When I was pregnant first time, I graduated from my Master's degree and then stayed home after that. I did start another design degree (2 weeks after baby was born), but have been doing that part time.
Baby nr 1 is wonderful and healthy and bright and just generally a fantastic child. I had a natural birth and no complications during pregnancy, except mental health it really caught me off guard what a transition it really was. I really struggled with having my husband's support. We have been married for 10 years and he has always been kind and loving but it didn't feel that way during pregnancy at all. I distinctly felt that he didn't care at all about planning or preparing for the baby or supporting me (emotionally!!!). E.g we had a birth class when I was 6-7 mos pregnant and he would sit there, scrolling his phone. I brought it up with him and he was genuinely surprised -- like "oh I didn't know I was expected to participate".
Postpartum, then, was quite a shock to me. He was very supportive with the baby (it took me two whole months to establish breastfeeding and he was helping with syringe feedings etc). He is still very caring, has a good relationship, plays with him etc. But towards me, the care was either not there or he was downright mean. I think it was about 3rd day after hospital or so when he told me to "fuck off" (can't remember to what) or that I do nothing. We live in a 3rd floor walkup and have a really heavy stroller (the Priam), which he expected me to lift all the way up and down (I injured my back as a result, took 1,5 years to heal). When he finally made room in the basement, he was like "oh should have done that earlier, it's so comfy now". Lots of stuff like that.
I have brought up the traumatic postpartum (and pregnancy) time several times (peacefully) and tried to emphasise in every possible way that this cannot repeat with later pregnancies. His core idea is that he is the sole supporter of the family AND he helps with the baby, so what more do I want. The way I see it is that emotional support is not something I can substitute by thinking oh ok well he works so I guess I'll tackle that on my own. But I did get therapy at the time, which helped a bit (but not much) and I was mainly grieving what I had thought postpartum would be like. I just wanted kindness, tbh.
Fast forward to now. He really wanted a second child so did I and I felt fairly confident that it wouldn't repeat. Somehow, however, it's even worse. It's definitely worse for me from the fact that I have been quite isolated as a SAHM for 2 years, I'm still nursing (which makes the pregnancy a lot harder, let me tell you), we have no nannies etc except my mom helps out maybe once a month or so. I'm exhausted. This time, he basically shows no interest towards me or the baby, but when I bring it up, he INSISTS that he is constantly asking how I am. I have tried to talk about baby accommodations (like where he is going to sleep), but he gets angry at me and says I'm "requesting" things. Or that I am "just nesting" and should get over it. As in, not nest or want to prepare for the baby.
We have a lot more expenses than last pregnancy -- we bought a cottage and a car and have some other added expenses, which definitely makes it more stressful than last time (obviously the toddler as well), but he seems to be very lax about it and ridiculing me (or getting angry) when I bring it up as a fear. I haven't had a break or a holiday in a year, but he insisted we do a long trip to his family abroad when I was 6mos (for thousands of dollars) and then we had another trip to join him on a longer business trip. When I want to discuss these expenses, he says I'm trying to stop him from seeing his family (which is NOT the case!!!!!). I feel like wanting to discuss double strollers or a new car seat (because, you know, we need a second one) is an irrational wish on my part, not a normal part of family planning.
Yesterday he came back from another business trip, for which he left with no groceries done so I ordered takeout for me and toddler (probably important to note that I have no car or drivers license). When he came back, he said we can't move furniture this weekend (to prepare for the baby room), as we can't afford renting a truck. Since it's a really, really inexpensive ride (10-15 dollars), I was a bit shocked and asked him what it means. Well, yeah, the money is spent so we have to sit tight until the salary comes in. I got very upset and told him this greatly affects my feelings of security and safety to which he replied, oh I'm sorry you can't be a takeout princess. It triggered me greatly so I've been crying for 2 days now (he doesn't come or comfort me when I cry, already before having kids) and it has just become so crystal clear how ALONE I am. I have no close friends left. My only other adult contact apart from my husband is the courses I take at uni (go there, do the class, come back). I try to be active in online hobby groups to which he says he has to work and I can just lie around and chat with people (or that I can watch movies because I nurse). But I dont' care about movies, I would much rather take human contact!!!
I just feel constantly so hurt and that triggers massive guilt because I feel like this emotional stress is also harming my baby, which obviously makes me spiral even deeper with guilt. I literally have noone to talk to -- I can't talk to him about this and I have no other close contacts left, so during past months, I have been talking to... ChatGPT. Yeah I know, but what can I do? I have only now decided to reach out here and ask for outer perspective (btw also something chatgpt recommended).
Is it really irrational to expect your partner to be emotionally supportive? Or is he really being supportive and hormones mess me up (this is what he says -- that our home situation doesn't need fixing, i'm just nesting or that I'm not sad, it's just hormones etc). Could it be the case and will it get better after pregnancy? Am I just really hormonal this time? Will it affect my baby? I feel like it's making it so much harder to get a connection with him and feel good and serene, it's like I'm fighting for my life every day. How can I be less lonely/alone? Has anyone had success with journalling? This is what ChatGPT suggests but honestly I'm so exhausted I'm not sure I could. How could I show him that I don't do "nothing", that actually pregnancy and breastfeeding are quite hard? Homewise, his chores are filling the dishwasher (this I really never do) and laundry ca once a week (towels, linen etc gets picked up and delivered by a service). Evening meals are more or less equal, breakfasts and lunches obviously on me. I found "Fair Play" cards, has anyone had success?
And, overall, can you give some helpful advice on how to get into a more positive mindset to feel better with pregnancy and establish a connection with my baby? I'm thinking of hiring a doula (who would also come to birth instead of my husband), but I'm basically running against the wall trying to think of ways how to make my situation better. Like, I'm not talking about footrubs which he does reluctantly do for a couple of min if I ask repeatedly or when I'm very swollen but just... being seen, I guess. Or what I can use for self-care? Any advice is greatly appreciated, I feel so alone.