Unplanned pregnancy at 43

[mesura]

Hi there,

I'm 43 and in a one year relationship with a lovely man who I had seem my future with. He lives in Dubai and is going through divorce, I live in UK. Neither of us have children, but have spoken about it as something we'd like for the future. We slowed our relationship down six months ago as he needed space and time to get himself together post-divorce.

We met up in October and I've recently found out I'm pregnant. He says he wants children together in the future, but wants to prioritise growing our relationship; he think it isn't ready for a baby and nor is he. He feels frightened and wants me to have an abortion. I have always been clear I don't want to be a single mother and it looks like I would be if I were to continue with the pregnancy.

I've never felt having biological children was so important to me as to pursue it alone. Support-wise I would need to move to be near family, at least for the first year, and financially, I have a precarious freelance income. That said, I'm aware falling pregnant at 43 is a gift and I wonder if I should take up the universe on this invitation. Some friends say he would come round in time.

Any thoughts would be welcome. I'm 6 weeks pregnant and need to decide what I'm going to do, which is unclear to me right now. Thanks.

Make this decision for yourself on the assumption he won't be involved long term. If you want the baby, have it. If you don't, don't. At 43 there is a strong possibility you won't get another chance so I would also base your decision on this.

At 43, your chances of being able to wait to build a relationship and try again to get pregnant are slim. You need to do whatever works best for you now. If he is in another country, you can't expect any child support. Does being a sole parent work for you? If so then carry on as you are.

Like PP said…I’d work on the assumption that this is your one and only chance for a baby and that you might do it alone. Only you can decide if that’s what you want.

At 43 having children ‘in the future’ is not realistic and I say this as someone who had a child at 44. At your ages you should both know what you do and don’t want out of life. if he’s not on board now he will never be. So to be brutal, this is probably your only chance of having kids. The alternative is find a new partner to have kids with and by the time you do that you may have missed to biological boat.

I had my eggs frozen aged 35 and have 30+ in storage, so there's a possibility of having a baby via them at a later date, although not a reliable one I know.

You do what's best for you, but I would think this is your one and only chance to have a baby. He doesn't sound committed if he's waffling on about "growing your relationship" first. Time is running out, you are where you are and either he's on board or he's not. I really doubt you'll get another chance, it's now or never and I think from the noises he's currently making you'll end up on your own. So you need to decide if you're up for that and make your decision about how to proceed accordingly.
FWIW I'm coming up to 31 years married following a shotgun marriage at 13 weeks pregnant. We'd been together 7 months when we married. It's not been an easy ride by any means, but we've made it work out. It can be done, but I'm in no way suggesting that's what you should do.

You say it’s a 1 year relationship but how many times have you actually met up if he lives in Dubai and you in the UK.

Have the baby if you want to, but you need to be aware of laws around children in the Middle East if living there is in your plan. Or plan to go it completely alone.

I really, really wouldn't bank on this, especially as you seem to indicate having a child on your own would be financially challenging - you could be looking at a bill of 10s of thousands of pounds to convert those eggs into a viable pregnancy. He also doesn't sound like he has any intention of being with you long term reading between the lines. Make this decision for you as an individual based on whether you want a baby, assuming this will be your only opportunity.