I’m suffering with hypermesis gravidum

[Fr110]

I never really desired to be a mum. It was something I accepted with my age (im 33). I thought it’s the right thing to do now.

everyone around me struggled to get pregnant and I had constant pressure to try. We tried and I got pregnant straight away.

It was bittersweet when I found out I was pregnant but I kept telling myself it’s the right time. I went along with my pregnancy and found out in my 6th week I was pregnant with twins. Double shock. But I just thought ok I’ll have two kids done at once.

anyways, I started to excessively bleed during my 5th - 6th week. It was clots upon clots, I was passing out due to the weaknesses. I couldn’t lift my head, I had a high temperature where I was just sleeping 14 hours in a row (not like me at all).

i rang the NHS, after I experienced severe bloodclots on one of the mornings and they told me to just basically ‘suck it up and deal with it’ and ‘only come in if it continues’ having put trust into the doctor. I just stayed at home. This continued for like 4-5 days in total and then the 5th day (a day after I called the doctor), I pushed through an embryo like feature and knew I had miscarried. It was the most traumatising experience of my life.

I instantly felt light headed and got my self to the a&e. Where I was just followed with further incompetence. I spent a total 6 hours at a&e which included blood tests, several experiences of looking into my cervix (which is painful) where the gynaec confirmed that my womb is open so most likely I’ve had a miscarriage and both won’t survived or both have passed through but they can’t confirm without a sonogram which is done at another hospital. She gave me a 10am appt (it was like 4-5am by now). The gynaec said before you go home, give bloods.

So I went for my blood test, waited another hour, I was already shattered. The junior nurses stabbed me near my nerve by my wrist, with the injection and this is where the trauma really starts. I just passed out and stopped breathing. Had my husband not been in the room and pushed the emergency button. I don’t think I would be alive today because the nurse absolutely froze and didn’t push emergency.

I was shifted to the resuscitation ward where I passed out again and my heart rate dropped to 40 and my BP was around 60-70. It’s not until I vomited that it forced my HR and BP to push back up.

the whole ordeal has just left me traumatised. I was shifted to the second hospital the second morning to do my sonogram and she confirmed I had one pregnancy left and the 1st baby miscarried (they were in two different sacs - I think unidentical twins).

instead of being happy, I was just devastated and traumatised. I wanted both gone so I could just start fresh. The hospital traumatised me. I can’t even explain it. I can’t shake off the feeling.

i just feel broken and like no one understands. I was then told to go home, and the trauma just didn’t end. I started vomiting non stop. I was diagnosed with hypermesis gravidum. I had weaknesses, I can’t eat, I can’t drink, I can’t smell anything paper like. Yes paper makes me feel sick, chicken makes me feel sick. I feel like my whole life has been snatched away and I never thought it would be like this.

ive contemplated abortion but I’m so scared because I feel ungrateful. I know abortion is painful because you get contractions.

anyways, after I came home, I’ve had to go hospital a few times because I passed out again and a few times for IV fluids due to low blood pressure.

ive thought about suicide, I’ve thought about everything negative. My husbands being super supportive and saying it’s my decision (I’m still 10 weeks) but I just don’t have the courage to take the step and feel im doomed if you do and doomed if you don’t.

ive stopped working, i haven’t cooked anything for the past 5-6 weeks. I was such an active person, that was always, working, going gym, cooking (fav hobby), going for walks, and this has just broken me.

as I type this I know it may be triggering I just hope I don’t get hate. I really appreciate some women find it hard to get pregnant but I’m just really struggling with my mental life, existence, sickness, and everything else.

I’ve tried three different anti sicknesses and nothing is working btw.

I don’t know whether to go on or not go on. It’s taken a lot to come out on this forum and type. (My husband suggested it).

I'm so sorry.

I don't have much to add here because ultimately the decision is yours but I didn't want to read and run because I feel like your experience with hospitals and the "we don't give a fuck" attitude from healthcare 'professionals' is strikingly similar to my experience during childbirth.

I'm still totally scarred by it years later and just wanted to let you know that your feelings are absolutely valid. There's something beyond awful about needing help and being at the mercy of others when you're vulnerable that is absolutely terrifying. And to be treated badly in this situation is just so disappointing.

It's impossible for anyone to make this next decision for you but I know you'll make the right one 💐

Sending you a HUGE Hug.

I've done HG two and a half times. Its horrific.

I say 2 and a half because I terminated the 3rd because I couldnt do it again. (Also my HG was SOOOOOOOOO severe by week 6 there was a real chance I may not have survived, and spending 9month in hospital on IV was not something I could cope with)

I really know just how debilitating it is.

Can I suggest you contact pregnancy sickness support for specialist help as they are there and will help you.

Be kind to yourself. It IS worth it, and WILL get better

OP I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. Your feelings are totally valid and you don’t need to worry about people judging you. They haven’t been where you are and can’t comprehend how hard it is.

Only you can make the decision whether to carry on with the pregnancy or not, but you have to make the decision that is best for you.

I had severe HG in my pregnancy a couple of years ago and it is absolute hell. But there is help available for it. There are lots of different medications you can take and doctors can prescribe combinations of them. They will all tell you symptoms will improve at 12 weeks. For some women they do, but it might carry on longer. At 12 weeks I got ondansetron which reduced the actual sickness hugely, as long as I rested most of the time - I slept for 12 - 14 hours a night and was off work, but I slowly recovered from the hall of the first trimester and by about 24 weeks was able to do more again. There is hope of your symptoms improving, although for some women, it does last all pregnancy.

Unfortunately, a lot of doctors don’t take HG seriously and will fob you off. You, or probably your husband, will have to advocate for you to get the treatment you need. I know this feels like the absolute last thing you want to do right now and you won’t feel strong enough, but once you find a medication that works I promise things will start to feel better.

I would really urge you or your husband to call Pregnancy Sickness Support on Monday morning. https://pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk

They are specialists in HG and can give you all the info you need to fight for the medication and treatment you need. They also offer counselling and peer support, and can talk to you about your options (including termination).

In terms of your suicidal thoughts, have you spoken to anyone about those? Tommy’s charity might be able to offer you support in relation to that, or Samaritan’s? Please do talk to someone about how you are feeling.

Sending lots of love and best wishes.

also weeks 9 / 10 / 11 are the worst of the absolute worst IMO.

Right now is absolutley horrific but in a week or so you will stop feeling worse and very slowly start to feel better.

Stay strong.

That's rather misleading, HG in some cases doesn't improve as the pregnancy progresses and can continue until birth, even getting worse in the second trimester for some woman.

OP I completely feel for you and your experience so far has been horrific, your experience has a lot of similarities to my own.

Regarding the sickness keep badgering your GP if the medication isn't working get them to try you on something else. For me I had to go on a Combination of cyclizine (2 tablets) and and ondansetron (3 tablets). I had also a few rounds of the ondansetron via IV and this was the big game changer for me because the GP prescribed it in tablet form after I had been admitted for severe dehydration and a bleed on my womb.

You have had a horrible experience. I had Hg plus low blood pressure and l know how absolutely horrible it is. I felt like someone had injected poison into my body. My whole system was reacting. My only advice is listen to your body. Stay in bed all day if needs be. Stop trying to do anything. I never cooked, went to work, did a thing as l was not able. My dh did everything. The low blood pressure made me feel so weak l couldn't stand. I just lay with my head down . I nibbled crackers and ginger biscuits even during the night as l couldn't afford to let my tummy get empty. There was no meds then as this was a while back.
The only good thing l could say..apart from the baby..was after the birth l was full of energy. Couldn't believe l felt so well. When my friends complained of disturbed sleep etc l was bouncing around.
You have my total sympathy.

So sorry you are suffering from HG-I had it severely, and was admitted to hospital for IVs etc. Looking back, I sort of accepted how crap I felt, but realised when water (sips) wasn't staying down, I had to phone GP, who arranged hospital admission. The way I managed it was licking ice pops, avoiding any cooking smells and resting.I think I sucked barley sugar when it was really bad, and had tiny snack type meals, I can't remember what time of the day/night worked for me, it was a bit trial and error. But what I wanted to say that as unbelievable as it feels when people say hang on in there, it will get better, it does. I literally woke up one day, got to lunch time and thought something was wrong because I wasn't retching. It stopped that day. I also used an acupuncture pressure point wristband that made a bit of a difference too.

sorry
I didn't mean to mislead. I had HG until birth (/termination) both times so yes it can go and sometimes does go on right to the end.

But weeks 9 / 10 / 11 / 12ish are typically the absolute worst.

I am so sorry for the trauma you have experienced, it sounds horrific.

I don't have much advice but as a former HG fighter I would recommend that you ask for ondansetron. It's likely you have ketones in your urine vomiting so much - you could go to hospital and they will put you on an IV drip and can also give you ondansetron via IV or injection which works very fast and will give you a good starting point. They will help you get the vomiting under control then you will be able to take the tablet version of ondansetron.

So sorry you're going through this, it's awful

and my "WILL get better", referred to once baby is born. (But might not read that way).
Once you have your baby it will be better.... its not the rest of your life, but yes, each day / hour can feel like an eternity and 6 / 7 months feels like a very very long time at the moment.

I had HG in my second pregnancy and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. In thr hospital they wouls give me anti sickness injections which worked a lot better than the tablets. It took a bit of trial and error to find medication that worked for me.

This is heartbreaking.
You are trying to navigate through a traumatic loss whilst also being traumatised from your current pregnancy symptoms.
This is a lot and I would seek professional advice.

I suffered with hyperemsis and during my first pregnancy I felt like nobody understood, it was the hardest time of my life and I went from 10 stone to just under 7 in my first trimester. Hardly anyone knew much about hyperemsis I found the GPs more helpful than the midwives. There is light at the end of the tunnel but you need ALL the support you can get.

I tried anti sickness tablets during my second pregnancy and they helped slightly but they knocked me out, I could sleep the whole day so I stopped after a couple of weeks.

Discuss your symptoms with your GP and go from there. You really do need to get some help with this.

There's a support group of Facebook I will find it for you and post, I got through it all with the help of this group. They're all going through the same thing and have dedicated support members who have been through the same thing.

hyperemesis gravidarum support group

If you join the first two groups on Facebook best thing I did lots of daily support

even though I had an empty stomach I was still retching whilst getting a C-section, it never got better for me.

My neighbour had hG too and contemplated ending her life it was so bad. She’s now a very, very good and connected mother. So am I. Had another friend whose HG stopped around the second trimester mark. But there is zero shame in saying you can’t do it anymore.

I hope you have support to make this decision. Unless you have had HG you don’t get it unfortunately, join a support group. Xxx

Also had HG and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’m so so sorry you’re going through trauma after trauma. If you have the money could you see a private consultant? They have more time, are more willing to prescribe medication (I know you’ve had three but as others said there might be combos or even injections you can have) and often just someone listening and holding your hand can be extremely comforting. And given everything you’ve suffered so far, if you have the money maybe even consider giving birth privately (full cost is around £25k give or take).

If not private then please advocate for yourself (and get your DH to) as strongly as possible. The NHS is inherently misogynistic (even the women that work in it) and do not listen to women or their bodies. Assume as a starting point that they don’t care and are trying to save money and push for what you want. If they ignore you tell them you don’t feel their advice is safe and you want it recorded in your notes that you don’t feel their advice is safe. Make a point of writing down their names and what they’re saying (along with time and date) in a notebook in front of them or get your DH to do it. Hopefully that will get them to listen.

In terms of a termination, no one would judge you. I think the issue is if you then decide you do want to try again and ultimately try and have kids you’re
potentially going to have a lot of trauma/PTSD to even embark on the process again and the fear, understandably, may be very off putting. Whereas at the moment you are already in the process and can already cross 10 weeks off the list if you see what I mean.

Whatever you decide, I think it would be a good idea to talk to a counsellor or therapist. You’ve been through so much.

Sending hugs and wishing you all the best - if anyone understands it’s women here x

Another message of solidarity. I had HG twice. I've never felt so ill or so depressed in my life. Charlotte Brontë died from HG, I didn't know that until I had it and googled... so remember, it's not nothing, it's not just "a bit of pregnancy sickness" as some people will belittle you by saying... women literally die off if without intervention.

And you were treated so badly by the hospital. I'd like to say I'm surprised, but sadly I'm not. I remember being laid in bed on a ward with about then of those paper bowls of my own vomited-up bile in (because no one had checked on me to take them after being told to keep them for inspection) and on an IV drip of fluids ... and a fucking orderly bringing me a shepherds pie!!! When my husband suggested they not leave it as just the smell of it had made me throw up again, the person said "I have to leave it, it's meal time" 🤮 I can still remember the smell of that fucking shepherds pie (and to add insult to injury, I'm a vegetarian!!)

I will say that for me, it was all worth it. I wasn't ambivalent about being a mother and now they're 10 and 8 the sickness - as awful as it was- seems like a lifetime ago and they were worth every awful puke. But I would never judge anyone for deciding to end any pregnancy for any reason, let alone HG which is truly awful and hard on your body and mind.

I hope that you come to a decision which brings you some peace @Fr110. Good luck. Thinking of you.

I had an abortion with my 3rd due to hg which didn't stop with anti sickness and hospital treatment. Regretted it and got depressed. Was suicidal in that pregnancy and partner shouted get an abortion. He didn't help or support.

Got pregannt 3 months later and same thoughts but kept quiet and tried to manage it myself with research.

I ate what I wanted even if meant ordering takeaway burgers and chips everyday
I took b6 and b12 which helped immensely with nausea and sickness
Didn't take any anti sickness and would just let the vomit out....
Chewed peppermint gum whenever I felt sick and it helped a lot
Drank fizzy when I wanted
I didn't cook or touch anything
Good thing is not long to go...I think once I was 14 weeks it got better

If you have a supportive partner then work together
I stayed in bed all day and preferred to go out for walks where I was busy and for some reason I couldn't think about the hg unless it was really bad
Always have something small to eat and sip it helps

Sorry I'm typing as such will type more tomorrow....lack of sleep this week from toddler staying awake...

Ps my whole house was a mess and it was just something I accepted and family accepted...rest rest rest and don't worry about all the chores...

I found that if I didn't rest or sleep enough it would get worse

I'd recommend joining a face group of ur due date and you'll have other women going through it and will support you...

There's also the pregnancy sickness support page contact them they give so much advice. Even if u don't use their advice the handhold is there and so helpful. You now you're not alone in this...

I had HG all the way through and it is horrendous although IV rehydration was wonderful. I remember desperately wishing for it all to be over one way or another because I was just so ill, I lost 25 lbs in 6 days but it was only because I felt awful, I knew deep down I wanted to be a mum.

However, what really sticks out is the fact that you don't actually want a child. Getting pregnant and going through the motions because you 'should' is not a good reason to have a baby. You are committing to at least 13 years of your life being pretty unrecognisable from where you are now and if you aren't doing this for the right reasons you are just going to be resentful and that is going to be dreadful for all concerned. I'd imagine that the thought of miscarriage would, if you were on the fence but leaning towards wanting to be a mum would make you realise that you really wanted a baby but it sounds like you remained ambivalent and you really need more than that to be happy. It has to get you through all the hard times and sleepless nights etc.

You don't sound ethically against termination so even without the HG and additional trauma I'd be thinking if this is what you really want because it doesn't really sound like it.

That doesn't sound like pregnancy, that sounds like torture. You have to decide if you want to continue but rest assured NONE of that is normal and none of it is something you have to feel guilty for making a decision about. No one should have to suffer like you are right now.

I also had a near death experience with hospital incompetence after my first was born and I'm still completely traumatised. They gave me a drug without my consent and I had an allergic reaction which nearly killed me (before this I never took anything unless I completely had to, so it felt like a betrayal because it was given to me via my iv while I was sleeping. Had I been awake, I would never have consented). I'll never forget waking up to being resuscitated with people running around panicking and paddles on my chest. To this day I'm still terrified to even take paracetamol. Pregnant with my second and I'm refusing hospital, it's just too terrifying.

A lot of people on here empathised and said to me have that abortion and I did. I regretted it immediately and hated every single person for telling me it was okay. Fact is perinatal anxiety is real. It can make you think that you don't want this baby and heighten your feelings. You say you were happy and thought two and done in one go. Think carefully about what you want. Even if u choose to have an abortion write down how you feel and once you have it done remind yourself this is why.

It sounds to me like you were ambivalent at best about the pregnancy then you thought you'd lost it all. Then you had a traumatic time in hospital and emerged still pregnant and with your health shattered? Completely and utterly normal to be all over the place after all that! It's ghastly. I agree you need really good meds but I also think you need some talking therapy to help you adjust to being a mum but also losing a pregnancy. I'd flag this up to your gp urgently, maternal mental health is a priority now. There are specialist teams available and you won't shock them. They deal all the time with women who want to continue pregnancies but also at the same time don't. They work with women who feel guilty about their feelings towards their pregnancy and they deal with women who want to end their lives because of how the pregnancy is affecting them. They can help you.