Worried about getting pregnant in the future

[Lilly1102]

It’s recently really dawned on me that I really want to be a mother and have two children (I’ll be so grateful for even one). My boyfriend feels the same and wants kids etc

i am 25 (26 in Feb) and have been with my partner for nearly 3 years. We have a very stable relationship and he’s always talked about WHEN we get married and have kids etc rather than ‘IF’.

I’m not particularly religious but I’ve always wanted to be married before I have children. I’ve recently been hoping that my partner proposes sometime (hopefully) early next year to take into consideration it usually takes over a year to plan a wedding etc. I want to try for a baby when I’m 27-28-29 because I’m really aware of fertility declining when you hit 30.

my boyfriend is SO laid back and wedding planning / children planning is absolutely not on his mind. Not because he doesn’t love me - it just wouldn’t cross his mind to be urgent about it. I’ve always been a ‘control freak’ in the sense I do plan things ahead and he is just the opposite.

I can’t choose when he proposes that is totally down to him. He is 12 months younger than me (so he’s 24) and I almost feel as if it’s unfair to ever put any pressure on him bc he’s so young and he doesn’t have a fertility clock.

i get very scrambled in my head about it - and I have discussed my age concern with my partner (who is much more emotionally mature than myself) and he doesn’t care what age he has children which is good ( and I agree he is emotionally mature to have a child’ but I suppose financially for him - he is not where he ‘needs’ to be ie in the same way an established 30 yr old male is.

before I met my partner I always dated men 3-4 yrs older who were more established in their careers but obviously we weren’t compatible and it wasn’t ‘love’ like me and my partner have.

i just worry that my goals of being a mother and getting married might not coincide with him in terms of timing.

has anyone experienced the same worries and concerns before?

Hi OP, you're so young to be stressing out so much about your fertility declining so I have to firstly say, calm down for your own peace of mind!

Have you had a conversation with your partner about timelines? It's absolutely fair to discuss within what sort of timeframes you'd like to be married, start a family etc. It shouldn't be a dictatorship but it is part of having a long term and committed relationship to talk about these things and agree on what you would both be happy with. Otherwise you're just waiting aimlessly for something to happen which will drive you crazy! I really suggest having a conversation about this soon to make sure you're both on a similar page.

With regards to the fertility worries you have, unless you have any reason to suspect there is a problem with your fertility then please don't worry. No one in my close friendship group (around 10 of us) had their first child before 35, and I conceived my first very quickly at 36 with a very easy pregnancy, I am 38 got pregnant with our upcoming baby whilst on the pill! The messaging of "geriatric pregnancies" is so different now, and if you're under 40 the midwives and hospitals treat you the same as they would someone in their 20s, I was told throughout my pregnancy I was not remotely high risk and my age wasn't a factor

My husband & I are also in our 20’s and have a baby girl, my stance because we were young when we met was that I was happy to just wait and see what happened to an extent. We discussed the future really early on and were agreed that we wanted to have bought a house, both be stable in good careers with savings behind us and married before we’d even think about a baby. So for us it wasn’t really about a target age, it was about ticking off those things before we wanted to start trying & have a baby.

I think as long as you know you have an agreed plan in mind, with the knowledge that female fertility in particular does have a clock on it, at 25 I really wouldn’t worry about it yet.

Yes, it is very soon to worry about this, especially when you are a) young and b) already in a committed relationship. You're in an infinitely better position to have kids than a lot of people who want them!

Have honest conversations, assess your financial/housing situation in readiness. Doesn't mean you have to start trying for a baby tomorrow, but you can be prepared and it sounds like you are very fortunate to have a lot of what's needed in place already. And yes you do have to have lots of time to start a family, this idea that your fertility drops off a cliff post 35 is based on totally outdated (literally hundreds of years!) research, by the way. Yes, it's a good idea to start younger but you are not doomed to infertility if you are 35+

Oh thank you - that is good to know and reassuring. I suppose I do have a general ‘health’ anxiety and I started my period when I was 11 (which I think is considered early) so I automatically assume that my menopause is going to start earlier - I’m not sure if there is any logic there!

and I think I will definitely have a more in depth convo to my partner about it - he is incredibly understanding and am sure will appreciate & validate my worries.

My parents adopted me as an infant baby due to severe fertility / miscarriage issues. Although they love me to death (I am their only child) - I am very aware of how it made my mum feel when she wasn’t able to conceive so I suppose that contributes to fertility anxiety. In fact even now she worries about being an ‘inferior’ mother just because she didn’t give birth to me - which makes me so sad she feels that way. I am not ‘biologically’ worried about fertility because we aren’t biologically related (and I do know that my ‘blood’ mother had no issues in getting prenant) but because I can see the hurt and pain infertility can bring. But equally I know if I were to be infertile adoption is of course an option and it turned out great in my parents case ;)

Thank you!! Yes that sounds like you had a good plan. We met when I was 22 (so not super young) and I suppose for the last 2 years I was more concerned about going travelling together (I’ve done load with my parents) but it was more about creating memories so we could show our children when we had them.

But as of super recently I’m not bothered about travelling and like you say, more focussed on saving and being in a good position to have a family, wedding - etc!

As others have said, you can probably push back your "start seriously trying for a baby because fertility might become a concern soon" window to your early 30s. Of course if you particularly want to be a younger parent then you're right that now is the time to be planning. I'd say a very common timeline nowadays is marriage around 30, kids by mid 30s, though. The most important thing imho to make absolutely sure this is the right life partner and co-parent, particularly if you have been in a relationship since you were both quite young. So my advice would be to focus for the time being on building a really strong foundation for a life together.

Aw OP, I do understand how you feel. I have PCOS and I was so anxious about being able to have children when I was in my early 20's. I wasn't ready and neither was my boyfriend (now husband), so it was quite a difficult topic to discuss at times.

We got married at 24/26 and gave ourselves a bit of time to enjoy the marriage and go on a few big holidays we'd always wanted to go on.

We then started trying this year, at 28 and 26 (shortly turned 29 and 27 afterwards) and very surprisingly got pregnant within two months.

It is so scary not knowing what will happen in the future, but I will say this:

• Your fertility doesn't drop off at 30.
• You're still young and free! Enjoy it while you can
• Start looking into ways to become healthier / put yourself into a better position for TTC when you're ready. For example, I lost 4st and completely changed my exercise routine.

Try and relax and enjoy life OP, you are far too young to be stressing about any of this yet.

No matter how meticulously you plan, life has a very funny way of doing it's own thing anyway and you have no idea what the years ahead have in store for you.

I'm 42 next month, met my first husband at 22, married at 31, no kids, divorced at 36.
Met my soulmate at 37, fell pregnant quickly and unexpectedly within a couple of months of meeting, decided to keep the baby, got engaged, second wedding postponed due to Covid, married when she was 2 years old, now currently pregnant with our second

...... never in a million years would I have predicted any of that in my early-mid 20"s. My advice is to just enjoy the ride.

30 isn't old to be having a baby, infact it's becoming a lot more common as peoples priorities have changed over the years due to the state of things financially. People are more focused on buying a home before having a child these days.
For reference me and my husband brought our house at 24/25. We got engaged at 25/26, married at 28/29 and I'm now pregnant with our first, aged 31 partner is 32. We had no problems getting pregnant. But feel much better equipped to bring a child into the world than I would have at 26-27. My husband is now in a well payed job, I worked up the ladder to become manager, we have our own home which (unless missed payments of course) nobody can force us out of (landlords), we've been married 3 years and we've saved to be able to buy all the baby stuff and cover my maternity leave financially. There is so much more to think about other than age when it comes to having a baby and settling down, try not to fret. It'll all come in good time. X

Men have the luxury of being passive and easy going, women don't. So a blunt conversation is needed. Don't be afraid to be honest and state what you want (as many young women are) - if it scares him off, you've saved yourself time.

I sat down my DH and explained timelines - how long I need to be in my job to get full pay mat leave, how old I'll be when I give birth, how old I'll be when we have a second etc. He actually got up and went for a walk as he found it really overwhelming, he had never thought about it that way before!!! He came back and said ok, no screwing around, and we agreed on a timeline.

For now focus on travel, work and your relationship. Does he do his fair share of chores? Is he supportive when you have a bad day? Does he take care of you when ill? Does he generally lift you up and encourage you? Are you on the same page with regards to money? Money and housework issues will kill your relationship.

Having a baby ties you for life. For life. Even if you divorce, he will be in your life forever, dictating contact, schools etc. He can prevent you from going on holiday abroad etc. So just make sure he is the one.

Babies throw a grenade into any relationship. My DH has been amazing since we had DS and it's made me love him more BUT he does a lot. And I really understand why relationships fail at the baby stage. So first things first. Take a cold hard look at your relationship. You have time to move on if you need to.

I met my partner at 18 both needed to do 2 degrees for our profession he graduated at 26 and I graduated at 28. Our courses weren't compatible with babies. We then had a year living apart because of work. We bought a house when we were 30 had our first at 32. Went through 2 years of hell and weren't ready to try again until 35 but it took a year to start due to my meds. We started trying again earlier this year at 36. I've had a miscarriage and am now pregnant again. We had a civil partnership at 34.

I don't think you need to be fretting too much just yet but I would have a discussion with your partner to make sure you both see your futures in the same way. You don't want to get to 29 ready to start a family and find that this isn't on your partner's radar then faced with finding a someone new and moving quickly. For us children and a home was more important than a wedding as we dislike weddings and waited for civil partnerships to be available and went for the just us and witnesses option.

Thank you all for your advice and reassurance! Perhaps it’s a little early to be worried about fertility etc but I’ll have a more serious convo with my partner about our timeline plans. Ideally I would like to get engaged at some point next year but I wonder how I can say that without sounding like a control freak!! I suppose I can say It would be nice if we had a couple years of marriage before children!