Declining antenatal care

[Casuallydresseddeepinconversation]

I've declined midwife appts,I had a call last week to try and change my mind and another today,I feel coerced and bullied,patronised and ignored,I'm 20 weeks today and just want to be left alone, considering not going to my 20 week scan now too, the 13 week one wasn't a pleasant experience either and I feel very anti NHS,tho I don't have funds for complete private care, just feeling very emotional atm

Hi@Casuallydresseddeepinconversation

Congrats you’re expecting!

I used independent midwives for my second and third, as the NHS wouldn’t support me in a home birth following an emergency c-section with my first, partly as a result of poor midwifery practice in my home. I had a big battle with the NHS over my right to be supported in a home birth. They finally agreed, but I wasn’t happy with the level of care they could offer.

So, ended up booking with wonderful independent midwives who remain my friends almost 20 years later. One specialised in vaginal birth after Caesarian. I’m generally against private healthcare and a huge supporter of the NHS, but it was the best money I’ve ever spent, though it took me years to pay off the loans!

I did have the 12 and 20 week scans, but no NHS antenatal appointments. The independent midwives did my antenatal checks at home. This was a vital part of getting to know me and how I normally looked/behaved, to make it easier for them to be alert to any concerning observations during the labour/birth.

I had DC2 at home when I was 38 and DC3 at home at 41. Both with a birthing pool. I had a long second stage with DC2 (which was partly psychological, I think, due to the trauma of the first birth, but also physiological - he finally arrived on the bathroom floor after a few drop squats and sitting on the loo).

A couple of my friends who had home births at a similar time to me didn’t have the scans either: only midwifery checks. One had a home birth 13 months after an emergency c-section, with NHS midwives in attendance.

For more info, I recommend:

• https://www.aims.org.uk - who were amazingly supportive and helpful.
• https://imuk.org.uk/

Feel free to DM me. Good luck with it all 🙂

I'm just eating dinner I'll respond once the toddler is in bed and yes I've fed her a healthy dinner so no need to call ss just yet

That is an unfair comment ,having had 3 babies and a miscarriage that is not my experience of nhs scans , the only difference i imagine is the private one has to be especially 'nice' as they are a business which requires ongoing custom to survive.
You don't have to do what any of the nhs medics advise , it is just that, advice.
It is your body and your baby ,no one can force you into anything you don't want to do so why on earth when you know all that would you deny your precious baby any checks they offer.
I think you are being very blinkered please put your baby 1st.

Yeah, I started about here with my first, but my wonderful (nhs) midwife showed me lots of studies etc which highlighted how too much medicalisation leads to much higher levels of intervention. So, I went from a ‘give me every drug you have in hospital’ birth plan to having a (midwife supervised) water birth at home -lovely experience & much quicker recovery time.

I think if OP is monitoring her blood pressure and blood sugar at home herself and going to her scans that’s a much better result than feeling out of control and so deciding to skip everything

Hi OP, I think you’re getting a hard time on here but I’m glad there are some empathetic responses. I wanted to highlight that you definitely are not alone in feeling this way. I work for the NHS and the standards of care can be concerning, and I was dissatisfied with aspects of my own maternity care. I don’t know your background but NHS maternity care is largely not trauma-informed (although it claims to be!) and it can be really difficult and re-traumatising for those who’ve experienced trauma to engage with services. There can be a very real sense of a lack of control and autonomy, and a feeling of being ‘done to’ which can be triggering for many women. Collaborative and compassionate care can be hard to come by, although there are some wonderful midwives, nurses and doctors too - if you are fortunate in being allocated to one of them. I think your feelings are valid and it’s clear you are anxious and overwhelmed. You don’t need to be shamed and guilt tripped right now.

I would echo the sentiments of PP though, in focusing on the safety and wellbeing of your baby. Ideally you could go private or get an independent midwife - both options would give you a greater sense of control. But of course these things cost money. Would it be possible for you to confide in a midwife who seems kind, it sounds like some reassurance would help you a lot - possibly if you could develop a trusting relationship with a midwife things wouldn’t feel so intrusive and difficult. If you absolutely won’t do this I agree with PP in buying a decent blood pressure machine and blood sugar monitor in order to monitor yourself - things can change so quickly in the latter stage of pregnancy and you would not want to risk anything going wrong and then blaming yourself. You’ve got to weigh up the risks. Also acknowledge that pregnancy is a stressful time, emotions are heightened - sometimes you’ve just got to breathe through it and do what feels difficult, because rationally ensuring your baby is safe is the main priority here. I would encourage you to seek mental health support at this time, even ‘basic’ things like breathing techniques can be really helpful. Its all too easy to get overwhelmed by the stress of it all and find yourself in constant threat mode - which isn’t helpful to you or baby.

Best of luck to you OP.

I completely understand the feeling of being patronised, or stuck on the "computer-says-no" conveyor belt of the NHS maternity care system (and don't get me started on health visitors). It's wrong, and I've declined certain parts of it myself in the past. But please don't let a bad experience stop you from accessing the care that you need and deserve. If you go with an open mind and sense of humour, maybe next time you'll be pleasantly surprised. Having a private 20 week scan sounds like a good start to rebuild your confidence. Wish you all the best x

What a thoughtful response. How kind and compassionate you are. I'm very glad you work for the NHS.

You state your healthy I'm extremely healthy but that didn’t stop me unfortunately loosing a baby at 20 weeks due to parvovirus b19 that I didn’t know I had caught as I had no signs!
i say you need to think about your baby not yourself. If it’s your first baby you tend to see midwife more if you’ve had previous pregnancies you see then less. So many things can go wrong in pregnancies people just don’t know until it happens to you that’s when you start looking into pregnancy loss.

Please go to the anatomy scan. This isn't about you.

Adding a few more links to stuff I’d recommend:

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/187652.Childbirth_without_Fear
https://www.activebirthcentre.com/
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/32127.Ina_May_s_Guide_to_Childbirth
https://www.goodreads.com/author/list/19661.Sheila_Kitzinger

All the above people/books changed my life.

The danger is that some issues don’t give you symptoms.

Ive just discovered I habe high blood pressure. I didn’t have symptoms.
High blood sugar is the same.

I get you feel well so don’t thibk you need any support. And you’re right you du t need support/treatment.
But that’s not what those checks are about. It’s about catching any potential problems before they give you symptoms and real serious issues.

I also had pre-eclampsia with dangerously high blood pressure, no symptoms either and I had no problems in my first pregnancy, no medical issues or risk factors prior to this.

OP YABVU.

Honestly I'm not sure why you posted here. You clearly think that you're right and everyone else is having an over medicalised pregnancy.

I think it's fine for you to play Russian roulette with your health but think you're abhorrent to play with your babies health like this.
Quite honestly you don't deserve them. .

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I'm repeating or missed something. I had placenta praevia which wouldn't have been picked up without scans and would've ended fatally if I'd gone into labour. That said, I do think you are highly likely to have a straightforward pregnancy and birth, given it's your 3rd (my Grandmother had none of the checks we have and had 8 children, 4 with a midwife, 3 on her own absolutely fine and one stillborn). I guess you just have to weigh up how comfortable you will be if something were to go wrong.

My independent midwife nearly killed my baby and got sanctioned. They aren't perfect.

I had in one pregnancy
Gestational diabetes - no symptoms, no risk factors, no family history
Pre-eclampsia. Did have a risk factor but no symptoms, so would have gone undetected if I hadn't gone to the routine appts and very dangerous for mum and baby if untreated.
Breech baby.

You definitely don't have to feel ill for any of those, but they're all very risky if not known about and/or treated.

OP I actually get it. I found it all a bit intrusive even though I had a really supportive midwife who respected my views.

Everyone is entitled to decline this care. Think about whether there are any aspects you’d be comfortable with and on what basis. Have what you’re comfortable with and decline the rest but don’t be pushed into what you don’t want. Your body, your choice. The wisdom of those choices doesn’t undermine your right to make them.

OP
You can do as you like tbh
I had my son nearly 2 years ago.
I went to some appointments and didn't go to some.
They wanted me in every 4 weeks, then every 2 weeks, starting from 28 weeks
But they're not gunna force you
Also, they told me I would need to have an induction at 41 weeks lol
I mean yes if you want to
But waiting until 42 weeks is just fine .

I think the language they use is problematic and they act like your stupid sometimes
They told me to take the covid vaccine, I declined, didn't get covid
They told me to take whooping cough otherwise my son could get very ill if I were to catch it, I declined.
My son's nearly 2 and hasn't even been ill yet
So, basically their job seems to be to tell you about the worst case scenario in everything. Do this or else kinda thing.
They told me I would likely have a c section, I've never had one.
So yeah, I think take from the NHS what you need. Its really good in some aspects but no point thinking it's a perfect system. Might as well be informed about your choices.
Hoping to have a home birth next!

Hi OP, I had gestational diabetes in my first pregnancy but not my second.

I had no symptoms at all. I felt great in my first pregnancy. It was picked up by the midwife measuring my bump big, then a growth scan and then the fasting blood test. I never would have known otherwise and there was a risk to my baby.

Second pregnancy I had hyperemesis so bad that I thought I was dying but no diabetes and no issues at all with my baby.

The easier pregnancy for me was the riskier one and I wouldn't have known if I hadn't been checked by a midwife.

My first baby was diagnosed with a serious structural congenital defect at around 24 hours old. The 12 week and 20 week scans indicated that he was healthy. I had a very easy pregnancy and never felt unwell. If my son had not been induced, he would have died. If he had been born at home, he would have died. If a very observant young doctor had not seen him in hospital the day after he was born, he would have died. I know it is unlikely that your baby will be seriously unwell, but please don't take the risk.

You do realise they are giving you 'best practice' advice? And sometimes, waiting to 42 weeks is not fine?

Hopefully the sun will always shine for you.

This thread is absolutely mental OP.

I read a lot of comments on here and think people are being unnecessarily harsh, so with all respect, why the hell won't you listen to YEARS of medical studies and advice that have resulted in the amount of antenatal care we as mothers receive.

As pps have mentioned til they're blue in the face, multiple issues can arise in pregnancy beyond the 13 week scan you had, with absolutely no family history and no symptoms either. The antenatal care is there and provided by the NHS for a REASON. If you can afford to do all your care privately, great, but if not use the NHS.

You say you already have 2 children, why risk them losing their mother and/or future sibling because you haven't bothered going to your appointments or having your 20week anatomy scan? It's selfish, pure and simple, and you're thinking only of yourself and not of your unborn baby or other children.

Why be so nasty?

Every woman has the right to choose the level of pregnancy and birth care she prefers.

I suggest you look up the statistics on baby and maternal death/injury with different levels of care in pregnancy and childbirth before you cast judgement. It’s important to be well-informed.

I've only read your posts OP.

The first thing I would say is you definitely should seek support for your mental health. You say you're educated and making an informed choice, but you also say that you're struggling with body autonomy and emotional atm. Do you know why? What was so bad about the scan you had?

Just from what you said it sounds like you're massively in denial regarding something about the pregnancy and your own mental health.

You continuously state that your other 2 pregnancies and children were fine, this pregnancy is fine. However you shut down anyone that rightly tells you that there is always a risk that the most straightforward pregnancy/birth can go wrong.

If you truly wish for no furthur pregnancy care, you need to ask yourself how you would feel if your baby is stillborn or dies shortly after birth? How do you think your DC will cope without their mum if you should die? So really, if this is your decision, you need to prepare for the worst possible scenario.

I don't mean to scare you, but these things do happen to women and babies, and happened at a much higher rate then before birth was 'medicalised'.

I have never opted out. I felt perfectly healthy throughout my whole pregnancy but was aware that the scans etc were about keeping my baby healthy not just me. I wasn’t selfish enough to ignore that fact. Lucky too really, as it was picked up later on in the pregnancy that I had placenta previa (which I hadn’t had before and which I had no symptoms for).