Abortion or not?

[dreamerkr]

Hey guys, I just found out today that I’m pregnant, my period is only 2 days late and I’m shocked to say the least. We had sex just once this last month as the whole family have been sick with a viral infection and I was in hospital with my toddler too. I know that it’s possible from just having sex once but I didn’t think it would happen because we tried for 4 years before we had DS. I have a 2 year old and I’ve always wanted to have 2 kids. However I always wanted them to have a 4ish year gap between them.

Ever since I found out this afternoon, I’m in shock, and I honestly don’t know how to feel. I’ve always wanted more kids but I don’t feel like the time is right? But the thing is.. I’ve always been against abortion. But now that I’m in this situation I don’t know what to do or feel. We aren’t doing well financially and we are living with my parents - my, my husband and my 2 year old. I’m not currently working but I just started applying for jobs this week. My husband’s job is average, but we are happy as he’s starting a new, better paid job next week. Also, we were planning to rent a house in December which is next month, as our living conditions are really cramped right now as we are living with my parents. I don’t think we are financially set right now for another baby? I would love another baby in the future but right now? I don’t know. I feel so guilty even thinking this way. I don’t know what to do, I have no idea how to feel about all this. I understand that we should have used protection, of course, but honestly we had no idea that it would happen so fast. We tried for sooo long for our first baby. I want us to be financially stable and at least renting a house if not having bought our own house or flat, before we have another baby. But I feel sooo guilty? I feel like I shouldn’t even be thinking this way? 🥺

I think as you want another baby that I would try to see this pregnancy as the second baby albeit timing isn't perfect. How would you feel if you terminated and then never had that second child?

This is truly a decision for you, but given that you do want another baby and that you struggled to conceive your first it doesn’t sound like abortion is the right solution. I’m not opposed to abortion at all, fully support complete unfettered access - but I fear you could regret the decision, especially if in future you struggled to conceive a second.

The timing might not be perfect but you will find a way. People do ♥️

I understand 🥺 thank you so much guys. I’m just so so confused. I’m Muslim, so I have been opposed to abortion for all my life but now that I’m in this situation… I have no idea what to do. I think it’s mainly our financial difficulties that I’m worried about and that we live with our parents. They help so much with my toddler, all day, I’m terrified too at the thought of having another baby. My little one has just turned 2 so he’s not that young but.. I have no idea 🥺 I feel so guilty for even thinking like this. I guess I’m in shock.

Try to see the pregnancy through.
Financially- I don't think any of us are ever financially ready for another baby xx
I'd be afraid of having the abortion & being unable to conceive again x

I’m going through similar, feel free to message me x

First of all, absolutely no one else can tell you if an abortion is right or wrong for you in any circumstances. This is a decision you will have to make yourself and, when the time comes, I think you will know.

I'm pregnant with my second now and there will be an almost 5 year gap - not because it was planned that way but because it took YEARS of TTC. We can have great plans but sometimes the universe has other ideas on what is right for us and when. You don't know what the next few years might hold regardless of how carefully you plan them.

As it happens, I do think 4/5 years is a great age gap but I have friends with kids with all different gaps from big to small and all would probably say theirs is the best! Trust that whatever you choose will be the right path for your family.

I agree with the previous poster that others here can't tell you what to do. However we can listen and give advice to help you make a decision.

It sounds like you'd like a baby but are worried about your finances. Can you research rent, benefits, jobs, etc to see how you might manage it? This could help you see that there are steps you can take in the next 6 months to be in a better place towards the potential end of a pregnancy. If the numbers don't stack up then that might help you decide against continuing. You have a responsibility to your existing child too.

You need to focus on what’s right for you and try to not to worry about the principle of abortion. Your life is what matters so put yourself and your needs first and take a couple of weeks to really think this through before you do anything.

If financial reasons are your only concern, that’s something you can overcome. Your DH has already got a better job, you’re moving out into your own space - things are looking positive.

Over time, hopefully you will build careers and be able to buy your own place. You don’t have to achieve that before having another baby, it might take another 5 years or 7 years to save up and that’s ok.

However, if deep down you just don’t want another baby now - the strain on your body, the newborn phase which is hellish for so many people, the stress - then that’s ok too. Maybe you could better cope with mat leave if you have a good amount of savings which gives you more freedom to go out for coffee and to baby groups. Listen to your instincts (which is not the same as your fears).

Don’t feel guilty about doing what is right for you because doing what is right for you is right for child too.

You can try again in a couple of years when you feel you’re in a better position. However it’s possible you might struggle to get pregnant again. You do need to think about how you’ll feel if that happens. Would you regret not having this child? Or could you accept that, knowing it’s better to have one child than to have two at a time you weren’t ready for a second.

Be kind to yourself whatever you decide 💐

Thank you so much guys 🥺

Given your difficulties conceiving first time round, it's very unlikely that you'd get the age gap you are intending. It's not unlikely that this is your only shot at a second. Or if it took you as long to conceive as last time you could be looking at an 8 year gap.

I'd think of it in terms of: would you rather a second baby a bit earlier than planned or to risk not having a second at all.

I do think it's important you think it through from a religious/ethical perspective. Is it, (1) you're opposed to abortion because you are Muslim and Muslims don't believe in abortion (2) you're opposed to abortion because your faith/ethics means to you, you'd be killing a tiny person and therefore would be wrong. Ie, is your opposition because you don't want to break a command or because your personally have ethical issues with it? If it's the latter then it's likely to have a larger effect on you afterwards compared with the former.

I'm of a different faith, but personally I'd have a conceived baby, and would trust that God's timing and plan is better than mine. It doesn't mean I wouldn't find it tricky though.

Thank you so much for your reply. I guess that I’ve been opposed to abortion for my whole life, as that’s what we believe in, and I would feel so upset and so guilty if that’s the step I took. I understand what you’re saying, it really took us so long to conceive the first time round which is why I’m so shocked right now that it happened so quickly and without us trying at all. I definitely do want a second baby even though we hadn’t planned for it to happen right now, but now I feel like I wouldn’t be able to abort it. The main reason why I was and still am conflicted is because of our financial difficulties but hopefully those will get better soon with my husband’s new job starting next week. I’m not sure if I will continue to apply for jobs, or what I’ll do, but hopefully we will be renting too next month or in January so it will be a bit easier.

I’m really sorry for this post guys, as honestly, I don’t think I would ever actually be able to go for abortion. Not that I judge others who go for abortion because I don’t at all. But I don’t think I would be able to do it myself.

Given you want a second baby, push through. Once you get your head around it, you will realize what a gift it is. You know how frustrating it is trying to conceive for years and years, I wouldn't risk it.