Friends hen do AIBU?

[Trying24]

I have just found out that I am expecting my first baby 🥰 due end of May.
A close friend is having her hen do at the end of April annd only a month before due date and wedding in August. When I told her that I’m pregnant she congratulated us but immediately said ‘well what about the wedding and my hen do?’. I’ll be honest, I hadn’t thought much about it as I’ve been a little bit distracted! In the moment she asked I just said oh I haven’t thought about it but it should be ok! She took this as gospel!

The hen do location means I would either need to drive for 4 hours alone or get 3 trains (including across London alone), what would everyone else do? I’ve said that in hindsight actually I won’t be able to come on the hen do, but am happy to pay my share still so that no one is out of pocket. She’s hardly spoken to me about the pregnancy and although she hasn’t made any direct comments she’s very clearly not happy 🙄
Surely it’s just bad timing, I’ll still come to the wedding despite having a newborn, I’m paying my share despite not attending but she doesn’t seem to understand why I wouldn’t want to be 4 hours from home on a hen do a month before my due date… Am I being dramatic?

You're not being dramatic. Sometimes people get a bit carried away about weddings and that's clearly the case for your friend but I think you've done the right thing to say now, well in advance, that you can't make it. I would just ignore her attitude about it especially if she hasn't said anything directly and carry on as if of course you're doing the sensible thing and of course she understands (!). Don't spend too much time stressing about it, go to the wedding, end of story. Congratulations on the pregnancy!

I think your plans sound sensible and fair!

If the hen do was local I would probably go, but 4 hours is a lot further than I would do at that point of pregnancy.

Sounds sensible to me, I think you’re being extremely generous still to pay given how long it is away, if someone else takes your place will she refund you?

Not at all unreasonable. I didn’t go to my friends’ hen do 2 weeks before my due date but wouldn’t have gone a month before either. Also missed the wedding 10 days after I gave birth as wasn’t recovered enough. My friend and her hubby were extremely understanding and happy for me.

I’d be reluctant to drive 4 hours if not pregnant tbh.

She will survive. I honestly wouldn’t worry about it. If she is a good friend she’ll understand. If she isn’t, then her opinion doesn’t matter.

Congratulations

YANBU I wouldn't have been keen to do that a month before my due date. Maybe if it was local but not a 4h drive.
Also it's best to tell her now that you won't be going than leaving it to the last minute.

Not sure why being pregnant means you can't get across London on a train but if you don't want to go. Don't.

Is your baby even invited to the wedding? Or have you assumed it's ok for them to come? Maybe she doesn't want you to come with your baby?

You can't see why being 36 weeks pregnant might put you off talking 3 trains and travelling across London? Really?

OP, I was supposed to be going to a friend's hen do around the same gestation and she's been totally understanding about me telling her I can't go.
I've also been invited to other events like a 40th and a retirement do and every single invitation has begun with the words 'totally understand if you can't make it but wanted to invite you just incase......'
Hopefully your friend is understanding top

Personally I'd crack on and go to the hen do - 36 weeks is still a month from due date, what else are you going to do for 4 weeks? Either transport arrangements sound fine so long as you allow enough time to stop in the middle if you're driving. That said I felt broadly fine in the third trimester, appreciate some people struggle more, but you don't know that will be the case at this point, you might feel perfectly up for it. I went to a wedding at 40+3 😂

@batterychicken
What a delightful reply :-)
I never said the baby is invited to the wedding - they’re not and I never expected them to be!

Thank you so much everyone. Glad a majority don’t think I’m being dramatic! I will probably say I’m not going and stick by it but if I feel able to closer to the time - I’ll go! Hopefully that placates her in the meantime 🥰

No you're not unreasonable at all! Unfortunately some people do go a bit bridezilla and get into the mindset that their wedding is the most important thing, not just for them, but for everyone. I had a friend give birth 3 months before my hen do and made it very clear I didn't expect her to come if she wasn't up for it. She did, but it wasn't expected at all. The bride will enjoy her hen regardless of who's there. She needs to get over it, and she will!

Of course you arent being dramatic - ignore those who say you are. When I was that pregnant I was huge, had back pain, sciatica, horrific heartburn, nauseous and even walking upstairs was painful and exhausting despite the fact that when not pregnant I was very very fit and used to run every single day.

No way in hell would I have done that journey for a bloody hen do- they're cringe and unbearable even when you arent pregnant 😂

Yep, I was suffering from pre-eclampsia by that stage and looked like a swollen whale. I struggled to get up and down stairs let alone make a 4 hour plus journey for a hen do where I'd be tired, uncomfortable and probably the only sober one just wanting my bed!

Yeah but this is Mumsnet where you must decline all social outings when pregnant, and then keep all family at arms length when you've had the baby and then come back to complain that no one cares about your baby after having told all friends and family you want to stay in a special bubble until you need baby sitters.

Yeah but this is Mumsnet where you must decline all social outings when pregnant

Or the Mumsnet where everyone is 41 weeks pregnant and running a marathon or bungee jumping down cliffs and gave birth alone, cut the cord with their teeth and then went back to work the day after 🙄

I had a high risk pregnancy. By 36 weeks I was restricted to the radius of the hospital that was the distance between by home and the hospital. Plus I had to keep my bag with me at all times. That is what I negotiated to keep from being admitted.

if you Baby is at most a months old, you may find it surprisingly difficult to attend a wedding without your infant. Most couples make an exception for newborns because they care more about their friends and family being able to attend and understand that a baby that young is completely dependent on the mother.

I'd consider going. I'd go by train. Some people feel rough at 36 weeks but lots of people don't. You don't know. I think you would be silly to rule it out now though. It might be great fun and a good thing to do before the baby arrives. You can still go out and enjoy yourself after you have kids but this might be your last chance for a while.

I’d be fine to have gone at 36 weeks with my singleton pregnancy but not with my twin pregnancy.

I’d wait and see how your pregnancy goes but not make any promises including going to the wedding without baby.

Aside from anything else you won't want to be surrounded by a gaggle of drunken women a month before you're about to give birth, trust me. Never mind the travel/distance and cost. I think you're being more than reasonable, especially offering to pay, as I wouldn't! I would just tell her straight you can't make it for several very valid reasons and let her sulk, she's being ridiculous. You might not even feel up to a full day of wedding celebrations a month after giving birth either so I think make that a provisional attending.

Never mind the distance away from home if anything were to happen (which would be quite unlikely but not impossible), I don’t think I’d manage to sit down on a train for that long a journey. People experience pregnancy differently and I’d certainly be like you and not go. Don’t feel guilty for making the decision that’s right for you. If your friend is a friend she’ll get over it. ☺️

Is your friend intending on having a get together for the older female members of the family like her granny or aunties etc that's nearer home?

I'd ask to go to that.

If she's not mentioned it I would ask because 'I'm gutted I will likely be unable to go to the main hen do".

If she says she's up for that you could even offer to arrange if you want. How hard can it be to arrange afternoon tea at a local hotel, just split the price. And get a few tame hen things the older ones will be ok with?

Pregnancies vary widely. Some women are fine at 36 weeks. Many are not. Most are a lot more tired than usual and in bed by 9 pm and wouldn't fancy that. You are absolutely right to plan on not going.

I was very fit, active and healthy before my pregnancy. No health issues. I thought I'd sail through pregnancy. Hahahaha. I got vomiting, PGP, cholestatis and severe insomnia. I was a shell of a human being by 36 weeks. I couldn't even walk from the sofa to my kitchen to get myself some food.

Also, unfortunately people do get wrapped up in weddings. A very dear friend of mine invited me to her wedding on the opposite side of the world, with less than 6 months notice, right after Christmas. I couldn't go. I didn't have enough leave from work and financially it was too much. Economy flights were something like 6k!

I explained, apologised, was super polite. She has never spoken to me since....