Unexpected third pregnancy dilemma

[YourMintShaker]

I’m sat in the EPU for a scan of my third very surprise pregnancy. I believe that I’m six weeks in. Contraception failed in this case, we were avoiding this situation. At first I was shocked but felt happy despite being rather worried. I was scared to tell my partner because we have quite a tough living situation. We just had a buyer pull out of our flat which is way too small to house a family of five so we have to sell and the idea of it being unsold before the baby comes is not great at all. We also would really struggle during mat leave as i only get statutory pay and I am freelance so I dont even have a really predictable way to know how much money I’ll have for that time. DH is concerned that the his salary alone will be tough to get us through. So I will have to squirrel as much money before this which may mean a part time job on top of working freelance and being primary carer to a 4 and 2 year old. I’m 39 and always wanted a third but I imagined doing it at potentially 41/42 once the youngest started school. I’m feeling very sad right now because if money wasn’t an issue and our space situation, I know we’d be so much happier about this pregnancy. Right now we are not annoyed we are just extremely concerned and worried. We are not sure whether we can cope with a third right now but I’m also scared an abortion would wreck my mental health. I had an ectopic pregnancy before my first which resulted in a tube being removed and so I just feel so extra blessed to even have a child. Our families do not live near by and to be honest I do feel we do a good job despite not being the most wealthy and we are very present and loving parents. The children we have do not go without. We make it work. But I’m just worried that adding a third really will be something that changes our lives for the worst in a way. I guess what I’m looking for is advice about people who decided to keep their baby in tough circumstances. I know termination is an option and the negatives with that would be deep regret and mental health issues. It’s more the option of keeping the baby I need perspective with. Thanks to anyone who spends a minute answering my post! X

You say you did actually want a third baby, and it sounds as if aiming to conceive in your forties with only one tube would be very far from certain. It also sounds as if the space and money issues would be temporary? Babies don't really need that much extra space, just somewhere to sleep. In your shoes I'd work on making a financial plan for maternity leave and allow yourself to be happy about your pregnancy, even if the timing isn't totally ideal.

Thanks for your message. These are my sentiments but after trying to have a conversation, my partner is now very hyper focused on the financial and logistical struggle the 3rd pregnancy will be. Which I understand completely, I actually agree but im petrified to have an abortion and if the regret that could follow me for a very long time. I’m interested in looking at what we can do to make this work but his approach is this will be too hard, the end. But He also will not out rightly say that he wants this pregnancy to end but everything else he says points in that direction. I don’t want to terminate but see why that would maybe be better for us right now. But I just don’t know if I can go through with a termination. I’ve heard awful stories about the pain and amount of bleeding. Which I know probably pales in comparison to childbirth! I did both drug free but the difference is the outcome at the end is completely different. I feel very confused.

Listen to your heart. What would be worse, to struggle for a few years to make ends meet but have the third baby you really want or to have a termination and live with that regret forever? I’m not against termination but it really doesn’t sound like you want to and I would be worried that the consequences would be devastating for you.

I think they could be too. I do feel this immense pressure like my decision could ruin our existing family or change the course of how we live forever. That any time something feels hard I will be held accountable as the reason or potential resentment from him will be there. DH does say that he’s worried about me and the long term effects but the fact he’s not excited in anyway or no longer as easy going about it as he initially was makes me feel very alone in this decision. That it’s all on me and the only reason he’d agree to going ahead is to spare my mental health but I worry it will just make me depressed having a husband that’s constantly worried and stressed because of me. I would like to make the best out of this but his practical and sensible mindset can’t seem to allow any emotion through which I feel is so easy for the man to say. I think his concern is that the struggle to make ends meet is permanent. Three means a different car, an additional cost forever, my stifled career. All valid points. I just feel like those things don’t phase me and maybe they should?

Your DH should remind himself that he has equal responsibility for the pregnancy, it's not just on you to somehow "fix it".

Was the idea of a hypothetical third child in the future just yours, or something you had discussed together?

Yes we did talk but not in great length as it wasn’t the intention to do it now. I was definitely the keener of the two though. He was always hesitant because of cost. He’s actually said to me this morning that he doesn’t want me to go through with a termination if I can’t do it. He researched the process and he actually felt worried about me going through all the pain and bleeding. I don’t think many people myself included, know what to expect if we’ve never done it before and it’s all presented as quite run of the mill. I dont think he realised the after effects and how much of an impact that could have. We will have another chat tonight but this time really look at what needs to happen to make it work. If neither of us want to do those things then I guess I know what I will have to do. But in my heart I think we will end up keeping it.

OP whatever you decide write yourself a letter or notes or something describing in detail why you’ve come to your decision etc. May seem silly now, but you make the decision based on the facts you have available now and with hindsight it can be so easy to see things differently and blame yourself. Whatever you decide will be the right choice for your family and you. All the best x

Hi @YourMintShaker what worries me most for you is if you terminate this pregnancy and then three years down the line decide you're ready for baby three, you will be trying to get pregnant at 42 with only one fallopian tube. The odds will not be in your favour and at that point it's hard to see you not regretting your decision.
Just to let you know where I'm coming from, I fully support a woman's right to choose whether to terminate or not.
Very best of luck making your decision. Take care of yourself.

It sounds like finances are the biggest worry for both of you. You say your flat is on the market. It’s not ideal that your buyer pulled out but there will be another one along. It’s not the end of the world if you haven’t moved before baby arrives. They don’t take up a lot of room.
In terms of mat leave, try and come up with a plan. You’ll be getting free hours for your children by then - can you set aside the money you currently spend to try and save up? Take a shorter ML, or switch up your work so you increase your fees and put any surplus away.
You’ll have hand me downs for the baby, so not a big cost there.
There is always a way to make things work, even if it’s not perfect.

Is OP’s hubby abdicating responsibility or just expressing his preference?

There isn’t a ‘bad guy’ in this situation.

Contraception failed. It was nobody’s fault.

I feel like expressing preference….we both love our existing kids so much and know a third would be a joy for him in the right circumstances. He’s just always been the one that looks at things sensibly. He’s the kind of guy that’s always looking for the negative as a defence to best prepare himself whereas I am absolutely lead by my heart. I think we’ve always been a bit bad at planning far ahead hence being in this small flat with two kids! So maybe it’s just time for us both to grow up finally and start being smart about the future. I would love to make it work.