What to do when you are pregnant but your partner is making you get an abortion?

[Happymama98]

I found out I’m pregnant (only 4 weeks) by surprise as we were using condoms. We already have a toddler who we both love. My partner and I both agreed before we found out we would love to give her a sibling but not for another couple of years as we aren’t financially ready for another. When I found out I was pregnant he was adamant I get an abortion saying he would breakdown mentally if we have another and he can’t cope with another at all. I’m very torn as we have no help here, and I was soon about to start work again which I was looking forward to. But I have always wanted another just at a better time and I’m worried terminating this will play a huge part of regret in my head, but partner really is against it at this time. Any advice? I understand no one can tell me what to do but what would you do in this situation. We are both only in our mid 20s so I feel like we do still have time to have another in the future.

First and foremost no one can make you have an abortion, including your partner.

You both have to discuss this together and work out what is best for you all as a family. He does not get to manipulate the situation to best suit him.

If you don't want an abortion then you shouldn't have an abortion. It's something you do for yourself , not for anyone else.

This.

Nobody can force you, it needs to be something you discuss and come to a decision on. Sit down together and discuss it all fully, communicate.

Ultimately though if he doesn’t want another child at this time and you do then you need to be prepared for the fact it would mean the end of your relationship and that you’d become a single parent to 2 young children.

He can't make you and if he's the sort of man that is trying to then I wouldn't want him in my life or my kids life.

Very difficult decision, I'm not sure what I'd do in your position.
I will say though your partner is being immature (at best) to tell you to have an abortion and threaten a breakdown. That's histrionics, it's not how to reach a difficult decision with a partner. You need to revisit this and expect him to discuss it rationally.

In terms of your decision
What's day to day life like now? Happy and settled or arguments and crisis?
How would you feel about doing it alone if it came to it?
Finances - can you afford another maternity leave, would you have to go back early?
Is your partner under undue stress to support the family - long hours etc?

Are all the types of things I'd want to discuss with him in more detail.

If you have an abortion, you will rest him and split up. If you don't, he will rest you and leave.

I would keep the baby and lose the man unless he changed his attitude sharpish.

Resent, not rest!

If you genuinely want this baby, him forcing you to abort will make you hate him and the relationship is done.

To be fair to him it may not be that he has threatened a breakdown, but rather is stating his genuine concerns and worries about that.

We had a broken condom incident a few months ago, we were both worried about “what if” that led to another pregnancy, we already have a very young child, and that’s exactly how I felt and I told my husband that. Another baby would have absolutely broke me, I couldn’t have coped with that at the time and I told my husband exactly that in those words. I wasn’t threatening a break down, I was telling him that I could not physically or mentally cope with another baby then, so if that’s how it was said then I can really relate to him because I felt the same.

He can't force you to have an abortion.

However, you do have to accept that if you don't have one and he does not want this baby, the chances are that this relationship is over. However, in a case like this where your wants are so copletely opposed, I don't think that's the worst thing that can happen.

I’m pregnant with our third. We weren’t using contraception. DH told me if I didn’t have an abortion he’d leave us so I told him to jog on then. But I knew in my heart I couldn’t have an abortion ( had to terminate for medical reasons at 20 weeks before as baby was very poorly). I knew it would kill me to do it again with a potentially healthy baby.

Only you can make the decision, there is no right or wrong thing to do as long as you go with your gut and don’t let yourself be forced into anything you don’t want to do. DH backed down in the end btw and didn’t leave but I was prepared to see it through if he did and I’d make that decision over and over again.

Good luck, I know it’s a stressful time.

No one can force you to have an abortion any more than they can force you to have a baby. But very sadly, you have to accept that whatever decision you make could impact your relationship, if he doesn't want to have a child, and you decide you don't want to have an abortion, it's important you recognise you may be raising your children alone (or as coparents). But equally if you have an abortion for him rather than for yourself, that will likely impact your relationship also.

It's just not something you can compromise on really, you have to listen to each other, be supportive, he has to understand the decision is ultimately yours but equally you need to understand that his feelings are also valid (not to the extent he "forces" you to do anything though of course) and that could mean the end of your relationship.

If you want another baby and you are pregnant, you may greatly regret having an abortion, there is no guarantee you will get pregnant again.

No one can tell you what to do, it may just be a first reaction from him and he may feel differently when he thinks about it more, or it may finish the relationship either way. Him resentful at having the baby or you resentful of not having the baby. Him throwing a hissy fit doesn't help. Can you leave it a few days and discuss again when he has cooled down and you have had time to really consider things.

I too know women who have had children and got pregnant with condom failure and had a termination- starting all over in forties just isn’t for some women.

Having an abortion you don’t want is not easy to cope with, and someone who loves you wouldn’t expect you to go through that just for them. He can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do.

I think you should do what ever you want. He can't make you have an abortion. It's your body and your choice.
To be honest if he makes you have an abortion when you don't want one I doubt your relationship will last anyway.
I think you need to try and have an honest conversation with him so you can both talk about what you want.
His reaction seems extreme. If he feels this way now what makes you believe he will ever be ready for a second child. If you wait a couple of years until your first child is at school chances are he still won't want another baby

If you have an abortion purely because you felt you were forced into it then you will likely feel regret about the decision for the rest of your life.

It should be a decision you both come to together after some calm conversations and lots of soul searching. No regrets, no resentment, just a decision made for the right reasons with you both fully supporting each other and listening to all the options.

If that isn't going to be possible, then as the person carrying the unborn baby, the final say so is down to you and you have to make sure the decision is the right one for you and for your other child. Don't be pushed into anything either way.