Just found out I'm pregnant

Original poster

Charr001 · 11/11/2024 09:42

Charr001 · 11/11/2024 09:41

Hello

So I've got a 2 year old already and a partner who isn't his dad.
We've been together for just over a year, I've already been pregnant by my partner once before but decided to terminate as it was a bit early on in the relationship - I felt awful as didn't really want to but now realise it was probably the right thing to do at the time my son was quite young still and a handful.

I live in a flat, 2 bedrooms and I don't work I'm currently in process of getting a new job.
My partner wants to save save save so that he could get a house in a few years etc etc - have a bit of money behind him.

It's not that we don't want the baby because we do I think it's just I can't stop thinking that he will end up resenting me if I keep a baby because he wants to be on a path to somewhere and feels everything would be paused if we went through with it and that in a few years would be a perfect time unlike now.

I really don't want to have an abortion again I don't not want the baby I just think what if maybe I did wait a few years - but then I also think I only want 2 so one more at the most and they'd be close together.

I know only I can make the decision but some advice would be really good

Can I also add - we was being quite careful it's a shock that it happened

OP posts:

anonny55 · 11/11/2024 10:07

What are you using for contraception that it happened twice? Is it worth booking in with the doctor to reevaluate your contraception method?

Changeyourfuckingcar · 11/11/2024 10:15

Ultimately, as you say, it’s completely your choice, but honestly, my first instinct is that this is all very quick. Your son must have been very young when you split from your ex and subsequently (quite quickly?) met your new partner.
I don’t believe a year is really long enough to truly know someone in a relationship, particularly if you’re not living together.. it may work out wonderfully of course but it may not, and a year in is really still the honeymoon phase imo. I think it would be prudent to focus on getting a job and making some money for yourself before thinking of another child.

All that being said, it wouldn’t be wrong for you to keep this baby either. It just needs to be what’s right for you, and your son as well.

Frozensnow · 11/11/2024 10:18

He’s got no right to resent you. It’s the second time he’s got you pregnant, if he wanted to avoid it you both could have used far more effective contraception or just not had sex.

CrazyCatLady008 · 11/11/2024 10:23

You can't have been very careful to end up pregnant twice in a short span of time. I'm sorry but you can't have.

It's up to you, it's your body your choice.

Orangeroses243 · 11/11/2024 12:16

It sounds like you have a lot going on. You really need to think what would be best for you longterm. Your relationship may or may not workout regardless of this pregnancy as it's a new relationship, so I would not base it on that fact alone if it was me. To put yourself through an abortion again is not ideal for you and your well being and very irresponsible from both sides.
I agree with what other members have highlighted - you new boyfriend can't really resent you, it took both of you to be come pregnant. The fact that you have also been pregnant by him once and had an abortion surely should highlight that you are both fertile and you BOTH seriously need to re-evaluate your contraception method. I know all methods are not 100% but there are methods you can even use together to make sure this doesn't happen.

Justpregnant2024 · 11/11/2024 12:36

Charr001 · 11/11/2024 09:41

Hello

So I've got a 2 year old already and a partner who isn't his dad.
We've been together for just over a year, I've already been pregnant by my partner once before but decided to terminate as it was a bit early on in the relationship - I felt awful as didn't really want to but now realise it was probably the right thing to do at the time my son was quite young still and a handful.

I live in a flat, 2 bedrooms and I don't work I'm currently in process of getting a new job.
My partner wants to save save save so that he could get a house in a few years etc etc - have a bit of money behind him.

It's not that we don't want the baby because we do I think it's just I can't stop thinking that he will end up resenting me if I keep a baby because he wants to be on a path to somewhere and feels everything would be paused if we went through with it and that in a few years would be a perfect time unlike now.

I really don't want to have an abortion again I don't not want the baby I just think what if maybe I did wait a few years - but then I also think I only want 2 so one more at the most and they'd be close together.

I know only I can make the decision but some advice would be really good

Hi I just found out I was pregnant 3 weeks after I was made redundant. I am looking for a new job and have savings.

We struggled with fertility and had just been referred to the fertility clinic. But then just fell pregnant.

It is extremely inconvenient as I have always worked but I think it is a bit of a miracle. We do own our flat though.

Original poster

Charr001 · 11/11/2024 12:39

Changeyourfuckingcar · 11/11/2024 10:15

Ultimately, as you say, it’s completely your choice, but honestly, my first instinct is that this is all very quick. Your son must have been very young when you split from your ex and subsequently (quite quickly?) met your new partner.
I don’t believe a year is really long enough to truly know someone in a relationship, particularly if you’re not living together.. it may work out wonderfully of course but it may not, and a year in is really still the honeymoon phase imo. I think it would be prudent to focus on getting a job and making some money for yourself before thinking of another child.

All that being said, it wouldn’t be wrong for you to keep this baby either. It just needs to be what’s right for you, and your son as well.

Edited

Thanks for the advice.
We do live together, are together everday. Really enjoy our relationship and love each other very much.
My first born was with a one night stand - as silly as it was. But I love him more than life and don't regret him

OP posts:

Butterflygirl23 · 11/11/2024 17:49

Me and my partner were only together about 14 months or so before I got pregnant and it truly was the best thing to ever happen. We lived together before hand 3 months into our relationship tbf lol our baby girl is nearly 14 months now and we have the best relationship and the best little family. We are currently going through a miscarriage though but I'm sure baby no2 will happen again eventually for us
Do what's best for you, it'll all work out I'm sure

Original poster

Charr001 · 12/11/2024 18:04

Butterflygirl23 · 11/11/2024 17:49

Me and my partner were only together about 14 months or so before I got pregnant and it truly was the best thing to ever happen. We lived together before hand 3 months into our relationship tbf lol our baby girl is nearly 14 months now and we have the best relationship and the best little family. We are currently going through a miscarriage though but I'm sure baby no2 will happen again eventually for us
Do what's best for you, it'll all work out I'm sure

Aw that's lovely, so glad you have a lovely little family.
Yes we have a lovely relationship we're so close and really enjoy being together!
I'm so so sorry for your loss - it definitely will

OP posts:

Original poster

Charr001 · 12/11/2024 18:06

Orangeroses243 · 11/11/2024 12:16

It sounds like you have a lot going on. You really need to think what would be best for you longterm. Your relationship may or may not workout regardless of this pregnancy as it's a new relationship, so I would not base it on that fact alone if it was me. To put yourself through an abortion again is not ideal for you and your well being and very irresponsible from both sides.
I agree with what other members have highlighted - you new boyfriend can't really resent you, it took both of you to be come pregnant. The fact that you have also been pregnant by him once and had an abortion surely should highlight that you are both fertile and you BOTH seriously need to re-evaluate your contraception method. I know all methods are not 100% but there are methods you can even use together to make sure this doesn't happen.

Thank you.
I think using the word "resent" was a bit harsh. He loves me and supports me it just isn't the right time - and yes, the first time it happened it was careless. The second time it was using contraception so we've tried to prevent it from happening.

Thank you for your advice.

OP posts:

User28473 · 12/11/2024 18:17

I think you should go for it now, before you've commited to a mortgage. I had my children while we were renting, and when we had a period of financial difficulty when they were small we were able to claim housing benefit. Now we have a mortgage and if it had happened now we would lose the house, we can't lower our hours etc, both have to work full time long hours to afford it, so getting the early years out of the way before committing to a mortgage isn't a bad idea.

If you have say a 5 year plus age gap you are just extending the early years of parenting significantly. You'll have an older child who is bored of playgrounds and doesn't want to do days out aimed at under 10's when you still have a child who wants to. Which will mean each child will miss out at some point, or you split up the activities as parents. It makes sense to go ahead now and keep the age gap smaller, so days out/holiday/after school activities are appropriate for both children. Nursery fees etc are also taken into account when applying for a mortgage. I feel like going ahead now is the opposite of pausing your plans because you are already enduring the early years of parenting and waiting for the next is pausing that stage.

Original poster

Charr001 · 12/11/2024 19:54

User28473 · 12/11/2024 18:17

I think you should go for it now, before you've commited to a mortgage. I had my children while we were renting, and when we had a period of financial difficulty when they were small we were able to claim housing benefit. Now we have a mortgage and if it had happened now we would lose the house, we can't lower our hours etc, both have to work full time long hours to afford it, so getting the early years out of the way before committing to a mortgage isn't a bad idea.

If you have say a 5 year plus age gap you are just extending the early years of parenting significantly. You'll have an older child who is bored of playgrounds and doesn't want to do days out aimed at under 10's when you still have a child who wants to. Which will mean each child will miss out at some point, or you split up the activities as parents. It makes sense to go ahead now and keep the age gap smaller, so days out/holiday/after school activities are appropriate for both children. Nursery fees etc are also taken into account when applying for a mortgage. I feel like going ahead now is the opposite of pausing your plans because you are already enduring the early years of parenting and waiting for the next is pausing that stage.

Thank you so much for your advice!
Really helpful x

OP posts:

Orangeroses243 · 15/11/2024 07:44

@Charr001 pleased to hear you have the love and support from your partner. As all of us, we can only advise on what we think we would do and also how we look at a situation. Everyone is different and sees things and acts differently as everyone's circumstances are different.
I do hope you have had time to think and are feeling better about things 🙂. I hope you work it out together what ever you decide. 🩷xx