Narcissist devouring mother

[Worrywort98]

Just a brief synopsis of what's going without trauma dumping too much.. Basically I have had to go no contact with my parents (mum specifically) who is a very mentally unwell woman...ive been to hell and back again over the last few years because of her and it's worse since my younger sibling died last year. My older sibling moved to the other side of the world to get away from her. We grew up very isolated from family and never had any relationships with grandparents, cousins etc because my mum has paranoid delusions about them all (she thinks everyone hates her, so-and-so said something 25 years ago that she can't let go of... Etc etc) .

She has accused me of some unforgivable things and really messed with my head. My dad enables her behaviour and was quite abusive to us growing up.

I am 27 weeks pregnant and haven't told my parents that their first grandchild is on the way. Haven't seen or been in contact with my mum because she only has horrible vile things to say to me, I really have to protect myself and baby from her. I do have my husbands family, but I feel so much grief at the general situation of my own family. It's really affected my mental health and anxiety. Just wanted to vent

Hi @Worrywort98,

I'm so sorry to hear this. I can only imagine (from the very privileged position of not being in your shoes) how hard this must be for you.

I can't even begin to imagine how far one has to be pushed to resort to going NC, but it sounds like you absolutely did the right thing. I guess in this situation it might help to try and detach yourself from the emotional aspect of your situation and look at it objectively. Think back to the reason(s) that eventually drove you to go NC and then ask yourself what advice you'd give someone else in your shoes. I'm sure that's easier said than done, but I guess the other question I'd be asking myself in your shoes is whether potentially inviting all that negativity and chaos back into your life - and the life of your vulnerable newborn - is a risk worth taking.

I totally appreciate how much grief you must feel, but try to remind yourself of the fact that no relationship is better than any relationship that will lead to long-term trauma. It's totally understandable that you feel grief at the prospect of your child not having a relationship with their grandparents. However, I think the grief you'd feel if your child experienced the same kind of trauma you did, were you to allow that relationship, would be far worse.

Do what you must to protect yourself and your baby. Pregnancy and raising a newborn are such vulnerable times - don't take the risk of inviting them back into your life at an already challenging time, would be my advice.

Sending you a massive virtual hug - stay strong 💖 xx

Thank you so much, what a lovely and kind message to receive, I almost cried.
You are so right though, the thought of my child getting treated the way I have been treated is enough for me to keep my distance. I have realised that no relationship is better than a manipulative and abusive one and getting walked all over. Ideally I should be going to therapy but the waiting list it too long and private is too expensive haha.
Thank you for your response 💞💞

It’s so difficult when the world has such a romanticized view of mothers. They see them as soft, loving creatures who willingly sacrifice everything to benefit their kids, when not everyone’s reality is a Hallmark version. Sometimes they’re selfish, cruel, broken, and best not being in your life. The “But she’s your mother…” crowd will always imply that you owe her despite the choices she hade that hurt you.

Don't compare your situation to others. Do what's right for your peace and mental health, but also for your new family. I too come from a troubled family and I've had to set very very strict boundaries when my children came along, they know I'm not messing around! I will say though from my own experience that my parents did change a lot of their behaviours when my children came along, it definitely improved them anyway, but that won't be the case for everyone.

Omg, this. "always love your mother because you'll never get another" kinda crap, my own mum came out with that to me once... The irony!! And I have made the mistake of trying to explain my situation to the wrong kinds of people, who would advocate to always stay in touch with your parents, no matter what. Just felt that my genuinely traumatic upbringing was completely invalidated by them saying that so I just don't really talk about it anymore (except for now haha) thank you for your response x

Thank you, you're so right. I'm sorry to hear you have also been through something similar but glad you have found a way forward. Maybe someday things will improve or I'll get brave enough to set some solid boundaries with them .. For now all I can manage to do is keep my distance so I don't go completely insane.