Not sure about having kids

[Habesha91]

I never see myself being a mum, i just had a slight vision and temporary want and thats it. I am married for 3 months now and when i asked my husband if he want kids he said he will be happy if it happens but didnt really give me a solid answer like " I want a baby with you" or " I want to be a dad of course" so that makes me unsure. Then there is me on the fence about it, the idea of caring about a child stress me out and I feel like I would fail as a mum, the unknown of how the kid is going to turn out, the financial aspect and so on. I also deal with anxiety and I am nervous and worrying all the time, cant sleep great etc so I can imagine how having a kid will affect me. The last time I had a convo with my husband, I expressed to him having a kid scares me and he said its coz i dont want it. Then I went and made a long note writing down the reasons why i feel scared. Without thinking much into it, I decided to share this with him yesterday and it didnt go well. He wasnt happy with the reasons I wrote and he told me that I was selfish to think about myself with most reasons and that people dont really think too deep before having a baby and they just go with the flow. One of the reasons I wrote was on how I would lose my freedom when i have a kid and that i wont be able to do what i want including making future plans when i retire. i also wrote how i dont want to deal with it due to my anxiety and worrysome nature. Also the fact, that i am not sure means that i dont want/ not ready for it. Then we had a long talk where he questioned me for all the things i wrote and when i tried to explain my part he would raise a point to kind of attack my point so yes we went back and forth with it. I then asked me if he want to a baby to which he replied again.." If it happens I would be happy" for me that is not a good reason to have a baby. I then asked him if he has the desire to have a kid to make the question easier for him to which he said no. So thats it he doesnt have the desire and i feel scared which makes me think he is not even ready or dont even want one but is ok if a kid happens. The worst part of all this is that i now feel vulnerable after sharing my deepest thoughts only to be labelled selfish. I just wish i didnt share that with him...

Whatever the reasons, you do not sound ready to have a baby right now OP.
I know there is sometimes an expectation that as soon as you are married you should immediately start trying for a baby but that's not the case at all, every couple and every individual is different. There isn't a set timeline. What is important is that you and DH can calmly communicate and try and get onto the same page without name calling.

Having a baby is a huge commitment, a whirlwind, it will completely change your life and your relationship. If you are not ready or not sure then the answer is no at the moment.

You may feel differently in a few years or you may not.... how old are you OP?

I was in a 14 year relationship (5 year marriage) from age 22 to 36 with someone older who already had kids from a previous relationship. I never wanted children of my own, was absolutely adamant it wasn't for me, loved my lifestyle too much etc etc...I hold my hands up that I was far too selfish at that time of my life!
I then met someone after my ex and i split and unexpectedly fell pregnant very early on in our relationship - being hit with the reality of a baby growing inside of me meant a lot of soul searching but we decided to keep our baby and make a go of being a family - DD1 is now 4, we are married and now second child is on the way (I'm almost 42).

Life has a very funny way of working out the way it's supposed to and I wouldn't change a thing. Having a child in my 20's or early 30's wouldn't have been right for me just like having a child 'later in life' wouldn't be right for others

Thank you for your reply, very much appreciated! I am 36 and my DH is 42. I am with you with what you said, if it is not a 100% yes then it is a no. I just couldnt imagine myself with a kid, I just feel scared at the moment. A part of me also wonders what it will be like to be a mum but it is not a gamble I can take and try it out just for the sake of having a baby. I don't even feel jealous or wish when other people announce pregnancy or if I see people with babies. Maybe one day this will change and I will have the desire for it.

Your story worked out well for you and you seem happy, that is all it matters. Life doesn't work out the way we want sometimes and we have to see how things go. However, we have some control in some aspect and avoid things don't seem suitable for us in some how.