How to stop worrying?

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Hi everyone 👋

This is my first positive pregnancy and I am currently eight weeks.

I don't know how to write this, but how do other people stop thinking there's something wrong? I have tried a few times before to get pregnant, but they were unsuccessful. I was wondering if there was something wrong with me as I couldn't get pregnant.

I worry that I haven't experienced symptoms like morning sickness by now, but I have had bloating and some cramps and slight nausea.

I expect to feel kicking or a bump at this stage, which would ease my concerns. I know I won't be able to have an ultrasound every week even if I went private. At one point, I was contemplating doing a pregnancy test every week, but then I read somewhere that a pregnancy test can still be positive even weeks after a miscarriage.

I worry that I walked too much or ate the wrong thing.

I don't have a relationship with my mum and I haven't spoken to her in years. My friend/housemate has a son and whenever I've tried to bring up my concerns, she's like "It is, what it is. There's no point in worrying". I haven't told anyone else as I worry that I tell them and then a week later, I have to tell them that I miscarried.

I tend to overthink things and expect I would always draw the short straw when I came to something I've wanted.

I had my eight weeks scan yesterday and the midwife took blood and a urine sample. I wanted to bring up these feelings with her, but there was another woman (midwife) in the room and I fell 'stupid' to say these things in front of them.

How do other people stop these feelings?

I expect to feel kicking or a bump at this stage

Kicking at 8 weeks? The baby doesn't have legs yet. It will be more like 20 weeks. If it's your first, you also may not get a bump for a few months either. Not having either of those is not something to worry about at this stage.

It is difficult to stop worrying, but I guess you saw a heartbeat at the scan yesterday? That's a really good sign.

If you're feeling really anxious, I do think you should speak to your midwife. They won't think you're stupid.

I felt the same as you in the beginning. Except it took me 4 years to conceive. My only symptoms were cramps. Until around 18 weeks when I felt kicks and my belly started growing. I'm 24 weeks now and wish I cherished those times of no symptoms because my back,pelvis, legs everything is sore and my belly's huge..and baby kicked me in the ribs earlier ouch!

In all honesty, it's right. It is what it is. If you will miscarry there's nothing you can do about that..worrying won't make you not miscarry so try to relax. I had weekly private scans until 18 weeks when I could start feeling baby as my anxiety was so high..I'm fine and still pregnant so there was absolutely no need in hindsight! My mum had a mmc which she found out at the 12 week scan and she had awful sickness for 12 weeks even though baby didn't grow past 6 weeks. You won't feel kicks for a while yet or have a bump. Most people I know felt start of movement at 20 weeks with a posteria placenta and most with an anterior placenta didn't even feel anything until 23 weeks!

Try and do things to keep your mind off of it..this is out of your control remember that..more than likely everything's totally fine.

We had a scan at 8 weeks. All was well, one wee bean and his wee heart pounding away. Incredibly reassuring and beautiful.

My husband asked the sonographer like "can we stop worrying now, we know he's there, his heart is beating etc" and she was incredibly wise, saying anxiety is a state of mind. There is always something you'll find to worry about. It'll be - just get to 12 weeks and nhs scan and we will know he's ok; just get to 20w and then we can't misscarry; just get to feeling movement; just get to labour but what if it goes wrong etc; and then you worry about your child until they're 18 - you'll always find a reason to worry if you want one.

Effectively, its not the content of your thoughts, it's the mental habit of worrying that's the issues. It's normal to have worries, but you'll keep moving them on to something else and something else, unless you can learn to sit with worry and recognise these are just worried thoughts, and they're no reflection of reality.

I know it’s SO hard not to worry. I had 3 first trimester miscarriages before this pregnancy and so it has been really hard, but currently 17 weeks and it all seems to be fine this time. Have you tried something like CBT or meditation/mindfulness? I found going for walks helped - both exercise and keeping active to take my mind off things. I also found talking to friends who had previously had miscarriages really helpful cos they got it. There will always be some friends who get it and some who don’t. It sounds like the friend you told probably isn’t going to be a good listening ear, so maybe see if you can think of someone else to talk to? Yes it’s hard telling people if you miscarry, but if it’s only one or two people then I think it’s worth taking that risk for the support they can give. I’m still worrying now - we had lots of early pregnancy scans for reassurance, but not had anything since the 12 week scan which feels like forever ago! I do worry something might have happened and we wouldn’t know about it, but I think that’s just part of life/pregnancy - there are lots of unknowns and you just have to pray/believe that it will all work out in the end (even if that doesn’t mean this pregnancy). A friend of mine who also had 3 miscarriages said she told herself “even if this pregnancy isn’t the one, each day that passes brings me one day closer to holding my baby in my arms” and I found that really helpful. She now has a ~1 year old, so that came true and I believe it will for me and you too :)

How is your partner? I hope they are being supportive, but I don’t think it’s always easy for them to understand it from our perspective, so maybe don’t expect too much!

The first trimester is so hard OP so you have my full sympathies.

Obviously we all know it's the highest risk for miscarriage and the wait to the 12 week scan feels like a lifetime. Symptoms or lack of them tell you nothing - some women (like my mother who had 4 healthy kids) never get symptoms full stop and not a day of sickness but have a totally normal pregnancy, others get every symptom in the book and then find out at a scan they've had a missed miscarriage. Symptoms can also start any time, they can come and go etc.... honestly, none of that has any bearing on whether it's a viable pregnancy or not.

Before the scan, in most areas, nobody actually confirms your pregnancy which doesn't help as you are left questioning whether it's actually real or not. You won't feel movements until between 16 and 25 weeks (later with a first pregnancy and the location of your placenta can have an impact too). You may get some bloating but no proper bump until much later.... and a lot of women choose not to tell anyone till after the 12 week scan so, in the first trimester, it often doesn't even feel like you're pregnant.

It is completely normal to worry and feel anxious as it's such an uncertain time but if you feel like it's taking over and consuming your thoughts then please do speak to someone. They have heard it all before, many times so will not bat an eyelid I promise you. I also do get what your friend is trying to say as there is nothing you can do either way at this stage and there is no point upsetting yourself about things that haven't happened and are out of your control but they could definitely be a bit more empathetic.

Good luck with your pregnancy OP

OP, respectfully, some of your anxiety is based on ignorance about the basics of pregnancy! Your unborn child doesn’t have legs yet, so no kicking possible, and you may not develop a bump for months to come — look up the size of an eight weeks foetus! In the past, women wouldn’t have known they were pregnant yet.

I didn’t tell anyone other than my line manager was pregnant until I was 20 weeks (because I had discovered a potentially serious condition which meant it wasn’t clear whether I could continue the pregnancy), and had a minimal bump at that point. In the event, I was able to postpone treatment, had a healthy pregnancy, and DS is now 12.

It sounds as if doing some reading about basics might calm you down about unrealistic expectations for eight weeks.

I was recommended an excellent book called Pregnancy Brain by Parijat Deshpande. It is how she used stress management to get through a very difficult pregnancy. Lots didn’t directly apply to me, but I found it really helpful and reassuring.

Are you in England? 8 week scan with a midwife makes me wonder if not, but if you are then do reach out about your anxiety. There should be talking therapies available and it will help set you up with good strategies for after the birth too. I was anxious and frightened every day in my first pregnancy and it’s a very, very long nine months if you can’t get those thoughts under control.

If you worry this much when not pregnant then probably other people just don’t worry as much as you in general. If you don’t, then it may be hormonal.
It is helpful to reach an acceptance of the things you cannot change, also for when they are actually born.

Sorry to hear you are stressed. It’s very easy to worry about these things. It seems as if you have the sort of anxiety that will not be settled by any number of scans or tests, so if it’s all-consuming, definitely chat to your midwife.

I was anxious in pregnancy and my midwife has specialist mental health training. Once she knew I was nervous, she checked in with me regularly. It helped.

she told me that your maternal instincts kick in early in pregnancy and you naturally become ‘hyper vigilant’ about caring for your baby. She was completely unsurprised about anything and everything I shared with her 😁. She even shared some of her own less-rational thoughts that she had herself whilst pregnant.

honestly- just share it. You will feel so much better. Good luck.

I worry that I haven't experienced symptoms like morning sickness by now, but I have had bloating and some cramps and slight nausea.

Morning sickness is nausea. You don't actually have to be sick.

I would get an appointment with a counsellor who has children and knows first hand what pregnancy is like.