Pregnancy insomnia is killing me

[sleepless20]

Please help me, I feel like a breakdown is imminent.

I've struggled with sleep my whole life and its been a pretty consistent nightmare. Some nights are better than others but I generally function on about 3-5 hours, and that's just about bearable. However it's been a lot worse during my pregnancies and I am really struggling to function and worried I'm losing my grip.

For context, Im 28 weeks, baby due end of Jan. We already have a 1 year old and a 3 year old. I work 8 - 5pm, 4 days a week from home. The job is incredibly stressful and demanding with very little support from management when I've raised issues around workload being unmanageable etc (that's a whole separate thread).

For the past 6 months my sleeping pattern has been roughly:
10-12:30am - sleep
12:30am - 5am - awake
5am - toddler wakes up and starts the day
6-7am - sleep if my work/partners schedule allows it

Some nights are better, some are worse. There have been some nights when I haven't been to sleep at all. However its having such a long stretch awake in the night that really kills me. Currently it's endless hours of audio books, TV, reading etc. Then the work stresses creep in and I'm in turmoil over that and cannot stop those thoughts from circling. Believe me when I say I have tried EVERYTHING over the years. From prescription meds to Ayurvedic nutrition.I am currently under the perinatal mental health team for it, and speak to someone weekly.

I am just struggling so much I can't think straight. I am probably functioning quite well to the outside world but at what cost? I struggle on days I have my children, I have no energy, any smiles are all a facade. I'm absolutely awful to my partner, and its seriously damaging our relationship. I can't stand to be touched, or to discuss anything meaningful because Im close to tears/rage all the time. He is absolutely amazing, so supportive, and picks up the slack wherever possible. We very much work as a team and most responsibilities are shared however his sleep is obviously disrupted too but if he mentions it I want to implode.

I want to start Mat as soon as my contract allows me to (3-4 weeks time). I will then leave the job and the end of mat leave and find something that is supportive of flexible working rather than killing myself with a 4-day week which is 100% worst of all worlds in my current company. And then focus on myself. Then I would be able to rest in the day time, take the kids out of nursery for a few days and recover my ability to function until baby is here.

I know I shouldn't care what people, friends, family & colleagues think but I do. I am so scared of the judgement going on maternity leave so early but no one can possibly understand how it feels, and I gave up trying to explain it to people a long time ago.

I think Im just looking for permission maybe, if you were me would you struggle on or would you start leave? I considered going on sick leave but this would impact my maternity pay so is not an option.

Sorry this is a giant ramble, any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

xxx

Can you take a few days off sick? It sounds as if you really need it. You will be able to rest and might manage to sleep a little more if you don't have work to worry about for a little while. Starting maternity leave early also sounds totally needed, you and your health need to come before any job x

I dont really have much advice, but I've been the same through this pregnancy. It's been awful and I constantly feel like a zombie. Don't feel bad about going on mat leave, you need the rest! I took it as soon as I could. I actually took all my holidays days first if that's an option for you? Or maybe go on the sick if you can afford too. Don't worry about judgement, you need to do what's best for you. My first pregnancy was a breeze and I worked until about 2 week before due date. This time I was ready to leave straight away x

I really feel your pain but have little advice.
I have always had bad sleep but do find that just trying to rest or listening to classical (wordless) music helps not to stimulate me awake more and makes me feel marginally more rested than when I get fed up and do things during 'sleep' time.
But I know that it's really tough and often feels like nothing is working.
I do think the exhaustion and insomnia during pregnancy is not like normal, a good nights sleep isn't going to just fix it in a way it might when you're not pregnant.
It might be worth taking some time off sick to begin with to see if that helps you get some rest and then make a decision from there about your mat leave.
Honestly I understand your work is stressful but the flexibility of working from home is not super common anymore depending on the industry. But hopefully you can find something with a better culture.
What does your partner say about the work aspect?
I do think that it's not the easiest time to make long term decisions when you are feeling so exhausted and overwhelmed.
I had terrible insomnia in my pregnancy and hated being touched too. It's so hard not to be angry when you feel so rubbish all the time.

I also don’t have much advice on the insomnia but I live in France and it is so common here for women here to get signed off sick in the six weeks/ two months before the birth. (Paid mat leave is only four months here)
If I were you, I wouldn’t feel guilty at all about getting signed off for insomnia/ mental health reasons before your official mat leave starts. Extreme chronic insomnia can have an impact on physical health so it’s not like you would be ‘cheating’…
You have learnt how to function in everyday life despite your insomnia until now but it is now worse and you are currently at a life stage where you need to prioritize your health and baby’s.

No advice, just solidarity. I was exactly the same. It was truly awful.

Solitary here too. I'm lucky as it's my first baby but I work a 50plus hour week in aa highly stressful fast paced job and it's killing me. Like you I'm up practically all night. I've always had poor sleep but it's ramped up with so many other issues adding. I'm literally scared of bedtime and feel like I'd rather just not bother to go to bed at all! Sending you lots of love as you are amazing to be doing this with two littles already xx

*solidarity

Please take a few days off sick. You sound like you absolutely need it.

this brings it all back for me! I had the same sleep pattern and it was awful. I would only feel tired when my alarm was due to go off.

can you take some half day holidays at a time in the day you do feel sleepy? Can you carve out a 30-45 min nap in your lunch hour if working from home?

can your husband not get up with the toddler? Or are you wide awake at 5am?

Hi, I suffered with debilitating pregnancy insomnia in the past, but discovered that it's safe to take blue Nytol tablets during pregnancy (on GP's advice) and these were a game-changer for me in my last pregnancy. They're available over the counter in pharmacies, and I got the ones where the dose was for two tablets and found that one tablet was usually enough to help me sleep. Good luck.