Prenatal depression & loss navigating the future

[Mum23boys1987]

As a 37 y.o mum to 3 we have always wanted a 4th I finally concieved after 1.5 years of trying and immediately went into a prenatal depression a kind I have never had before in all 3 pregnancies it was scary and lonely. Heartbreakingly we discovered I was having a MMC at 10 weeks growth stopped 2 weeks prior its been hard and alot to process 😢 obviously now after a few cycles we would like to reconsider ttc again but the depression worries me I'm scared I'll get it again and not be able to bond fully with pregnancy and baby will this always happen now or could it have been a one off possibly as the baby wasent healthy obviously any advice experience greatly welcome

There are no guarantees one way or another. I'm bipolar and when I was pregnant with my daughter I had a 50% risk of severe depression and/or psychosis pre or perinatally. I had mild depression in pregnancy and went on to have a severe episode postnatally and ended up in a mother and baby unit.

When discussing TTC I spoke with my consultant and HV and I would have 50% chance again of a severe episode. They both said they have had patients that have had a second without repeat episodes and seconds where they have experienced the same. They have also had people that didn't have an episode the first time but did the second.

Do you have anyone to talk to about your experience? I had counselling with my daughters HV prior to ttc and it was really helpful to talk through what I experienced and made me feel more confident that even if the same happened. I'm not the same, I have more resources in my toolkit to manage my moods and I know where to get support from.

I struggled to bond with my daughter so my HV arranged baby massage at home and I had therapy with the infant parenting service to help with bonding. There's lots of avenues of support should the worst happen and you struggled with bonding. She's 4 now and we have a beautiful bond. It took some time she's hard work but worth every minute

My ob advised me to get therapy before and during ttc again which I am seeking. It just shocked me as I've never experienced it so deep and all 3 of my other pregnancies were so straightforward emotionally although we are 10 years down the line now. I feel I may have grown from the experience and would know to recognise its depression next time and seek help needed to continue life daily tasks as normal as can be I just hate the thought of feeling like I don't want the baby if I do get pregnant when I know its what I really want but depression made me feel like I didn't

@Mum23boys1987 I’ve experienced exactly this after prior pregnancies experiencing nothing of the sort. It’s so horrible. It really resonated when you said “ I just hate the thought of feeling like I don't want the baby if I do get pregnant when I know its what I really want” it is truely the most awful feeling ever and so confusing when you know it’s what you want. I do feel I have a better understanding of it now which helps a lot but I’m currently 13 weeks and have comments from one person saying they don’t understand why anyone would want another. It shouldn’t impact me but it has and has made those feelings surface. It’s not nice at all but I do understand my mind better now and just need my mind to quiet - I know it’s temporary instead of the claustrophobic unescapable feeling it’s caused in the past.

Your priority must be your 3 existing children. If there is a risk that having another child will make you unwell and unable to care for them as they deserve, don’t do it.

I think only those who have experienced it understand. Some people need to keep there opinions to themselves.
All because we disagree with the common answer of not wanting more.
Its like the world has an image 1 to 2 if any and 3 maximum(if it's an accident) well those people don't live in our world and can never tell me they have experienced the joy I have bringing up and loving my children because if they did they would understand why..

13 weeks and you can reply in support for my post you're doing fabulous and are going to smash this 👌

@Mum23boys1987 i completely agree. Nobody could understand it who hasn’t experienced it. The power of those hormones is unbelievable. The common misconception would be that we don’t really want it and it’s just not true. I also think that it’s really not as simple as to say ‘just don’t have any more’ as not feeling complete is a huge thing & in itself isn’t fair to the beautiful family you have.

Thank you so much, that means a lot.

I have not at any point relayed that my 3 children would not still be my priority or weren't during my mmc pregnancy. Yes I had very low moments and struggled but at no point were my exsisiting children aware of my emotions because they ARE my priority. As far as I'm aware pre natal/post natal depression anyone can be at risk whether it be child 1 2 3 or 6. I am making sure I have enough ammo to recognise it fully if it happens again