Telling friends who've had a loss

[FizzlesFirst]

Trigger Warning - baby loss

Hi everyone,
I'm pregnant with my first after 3 years of trying. Never had a positive test in all that time, so me and DH are over the moon.
I'm around 7/8 weeks, and we are so excited to tell our friends and family.
However, we are friends with 2 couples who have experienced MC in the last year or so.
One couple were trying to conceive naturally and lost it. The other is going through IVF and have had a number of issues with eggs and embryo viability, then lost the one that was viable for implantation.
Both couples know how long we have been trying and I know they will be thrilled for us, but I want to tell them sensitively, rather than just sending a group WhatsApp or having them find out through Facebook (they're close enough friends for me to tell separately).
Any tips?
Or am I overthinking this?! X

I don't think you're overthinking, I think you're just being a really lovely friend! You know your friends better than any of us but I guess I'd maybe ask to go over for coffee or meet them and explain you wanted to tell them in person, then tell your news. You could even express that you know it'll probably be hard news for them to hear if you wanted to, to acknowledge that as I'm sure they'd appreciate the effort you're trying to make. Bless you and congratulations on your pregnancy!!! X

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy! Its really lovely you are thinking about your friends, I’m sure even though they might be sad for themselves they will be over the moon for you - particularly as you’ve been trying for so long.

Personally, having been through 2 miscarriages myself, I would want a message rather than face to face so I had time to process it before seeing my pregnant friend but I understand everyone is different. I had a friend text me to tell me she was pregnant shortly after my first miscarriage before she put it in our WhatsApp friend group and I really appreciated that. Either way and however you decide to tell them, it’s an exciting time for you and you sound like a wonderful friend 😊

Congratulations OP! Unless you know that they have another preference, I’d tell them by text at a time they’re likely to be home. It’s so hard because everyone prefers different things. Some people prefer an acknowledgment that your pregnancy might be hard news, others don’t, so I’d keep it simple and short and follow their lead. And I definitely wouldn’t send scan pictures unless they ask to see them.

Having had friends go through this and trouble conceiving, I told them via a message so they could process without being face to face. My friends said they appreciated the message so they could vent their own emotions privately without being on the spot, they were of course extremely happy for us they just wanted to process it first.

I would send a message to let them know, I had similar situation with a friend who had a miscarriage not long before I had my 12 week scan. I think she appreciated getting a message so she had time to process the news and her emotions.

Congratulations OP! It's really lovely of you to consider your friends' feelings.

I would message them separately let them know and just acknowledge that you want to be sensitive to their feelings.

Then just be normal with them. Don't moan about morning sickness or go on about the pregnancy. Don't say unhelpful things like 'when you relax and stop worrying it will happen'.

I think you’re overthinking it because you have tried for so long. Also I’d wait until you’re much further along before saying anything to anyone. Congratulations! x

Congratulations! You're being a very good friend thinking about how they will feel. They will be happy for you, but sad for them. Having had 3 losses now, I'd always rather get an message (WhatsApp or text), at a time when most likely at home, to give time to process all the feelings that will come up. Like PP has said, be normal with them about the pregnancy, don't try to hide away or not see them, but don't moan about things with them (feel free to moan of course, just not to those specific individuals). Whilst you've not experienced loss you have had a hard time conceiving so I feel like you have a level of empathy xx

I'm that friend and I was so offended when people started their sentence with
"I hope it doesn't upset you"
"I was afraid to tell you"
Why would you think that I would be any other than half for you because I wouldn't wish what we were going through on anyone!
Thankfully, I went on to have a family & more losses. But please just be normal, if they are anything other than happy for you, they are not your friends.

I have been both on the recieving end of this message and the one giving it. Please message rather than doing it face to face. They will be thrilled for you but that won't take away from how sad they will be for themselves so acknowledge that it's a difficult message to send and that you wanted to tell them privately and before you announce it generally. Then they can react however they react in private and once that is done they will be able to celebrate with you.

This also 🙌

Congratulations! You sound like a good friend. As PP posters said just message them and leave the ball in their court. Do not say "I know this may be hard for you" as they probably don't want to feel like they are being managed or anything like that.

When I was struggling to concieve I found people who got pregnant straight away quite annoying (obviously whilst I was happy for them) but I'd have been so thrilled if a friend got pregnant after three years.

Oh and I'd wait for 12 weeks unless you are seeing them in person first. Tell family and a few other close friends.

Thanks you so much everyone for sharing your own experiences, I really appreciate it!
The idea to do it via message rather than face to face to allow them to process it totally makes sense, I will do that and will definitely avoid any of the clichés - I've been on the receiving end of some of those when people knew how long we had been trying!
And yes, I'll be waiting until after we've had the 12 week scan and know all is well before we tell anyone!
Thank you so much everyone, you have put my mind at rest x

@FizzlesFirst best of luck for a healthy 9 months and healthy baby ☺️ xxx

Congratulations OP. I’ve had two losses and agree with all the PP is that it’s much better to receive a message then be told in person. Try not to make any assumptions about their feelings and just tell them factually (definitely without scan photos) before you post anything anywhere they might see it.

I also think ending it saying that they don’t have to reply and you will understand if they need to step away to protect themselves.

Congratulations again, all the best with your pregnancy 💐

100% this...message not face to face. I have also been through a loss and for a time was distraught by anything pregnancy or baby related and would value being able to process the news in private before offering congratulations.