Fear of pregnancy and birth at an advanced maternal age.

[Alwayssomething14]

I've posted a few times recently looking for women in their 40s who have had successful pregnancies, healthy babies, even with bumps along the way. I've come to realise that what I'm actually dealing with is a fear of something going catastrophically wrong during pregnancy or birth.

I've realised I must have PTSD. I had two TFMRs in 2022 age 40 and 41. Both were complicated and needed further procedures for which I remained awake for. The last procedure I had I unexpectedly bled quite heavily and needed treatment there and then to stop it. What should've been a daycase ended up and overnight stay and left me feeling like I could never go through that again. 2 years on from that last procedure and I'm desperately wishing I had a sibling for our beautiful 10 year DD and that despite how scary it got, I was ok and should've tried as soon as my body was able too.

I spend my days reading up on rare complications, frightening myself of all that could go wrong and talking myself out of TTC. Then I cry because I'm 43 and there's not many years left if I did try again.

I've reached out this week for counselling from a number of sources as I can't go on like this life is miserable. I paint a face on to get through the day, I put my daughter to bed and I just want to crawl into bed and not to speak again until I have to the next day. I rarely get enjoyment out of anything I do.

Has anyone experienced similar feelings/fears?
Are there any midwives who can share any advice?
Any other posters willing to share stories whether they be good or bad?

I could really do with the help of you lovely strangers, I've got no one to talk to about this my husband has lost his patience and run out of things to say.

I can offer a viewpoint from a child with a ten year age gap to a sibling. It was bloody hard. I was so excited to have a sibling, but the baby naturally only wanted mum and I couldn't do anything to soothe him. So I resented him as I wasn't old enough to understand (hell, plenty of dads don't get it either!). My mum was 44 when she had my brother, and the pregnancy was fine, as was he. But I won't be having that age gap for my kids.

Thank you for replying. My daughter has asked for a sibling since she was about 4 ! She loves being around friends children so I am guilty of painting a rosey picture in my head of how it would be!

Bump?

Wanted to jump on and hopefully bump for you OP. I share some similar fears, having sadly just gone through a miscarriage at 16 weeks at the age of 40. I also have my own health condition which is holding me back from trying again.

I feel like this loss has changed me as a person, and I don't know if I can face going through it again. But also, I'd love my child to have a sibling, despite what would be an eight year gap. I too am afraid of going through it all, and be left caring for a child with severe challenges when life could have been so easy with one.

Not to mention being scared of going into perimenopause with a toddler!?!

No answers, but I'm glad you're reaching out for support. And I hope some solidarity from me and possibly some more strangers of MN helps too. x

Op, I conceived (a surprise) at 44.

A number of people told me to my face that I was too old, irresponsible etc. Told me horror stories and risks

All I can say is, listen to your doctor, go for your scans as they suggest, take pregnancy vitamins. Eat well, cook from scratch, lots of fruit & veg, get plenty of sleep, avoid alcohol and smoking/vaping. Give yourself and a potential baby the very best you can.

Pregnancy and childbirth involve some risk at any age. It always has. You had a significant bleed but the doctors resolved that. I had a slow labour and needed some help right at the very end but again, the medical staff dealt with that. Babies can be born prematurely or disabled. It happens and we each accept that risk when we choose to start a family.

I think you need to trust your doctor and the team who will look after you. Balance your worries and the risks against the joy another child would bring. Talk to them. Let them support you to make a calm decision.

I had a lovely full term DS, who is now 6' and absorbed in maths & physics A'levels. But then I was one and done.

@MissKittyFantastico84 I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. It's heartbreaking. Thank you for replying. I'm sorry you have your own fears but it's good to know we aren't alone with these feelings. I wish you all the best for the future. And remember your 8 year old is a blessing. I try to remind myself everyday of the positives of just one and hue enriched her life is just as we are x

@Meadowfinch thank you so much for your reply! I'm doing those things now, trying to eat healthy, using less chemical cleaning products around the house, you name it I'm doing it !

I really appreciate your positive advice thank you. Did you find being older had any downsides other than people's opinions 🙄 and now over 60 with an 18 year old?

Firstly, so sorry to hear about your traumatic experiences in the past. In terms of pregnancy at a later age, I am currently pregnant with DC3 aged 41 and so far this has been the easiest pregnancy I’ve had. I’ve had two miscarriages in the past (and two healthy DS) so was very nervous at the start and couldn’t let myself get excited about the pregnancy as I had convinced myself it would end in miscarriage. My youngest is now 5 and I think the age gap has really helped me during this pregnancy. The kids are older and able to dress, get snacks, go to toilet etc without my help which means I get a lot more rest. When I got pregnant with DS2 my eldest was 1 (turned 2 before DS was born) and it was really difficult. While age gaps can have their own challenges it leaves you in a very good position to be able to take care of yourself, rest, eat well etc. I have zero regrets about getting pregnant at this age and all scans, NIPT etc have been perfect. While the risks are greater the older you get, you are still more than likely to have a healthy pregnancy and baby. Best of luck!

Don’t have a baby purely for a sibling for your ten year old. Only try for a baby if it is in yours and a potential baby’s best interests.

If you fell pregnant now your child would be 11 and at High School when baby was born. By the time your baby is 2/3 and ready to play, your older child will be mid teen and off with their friends.

My siblings are 8 and 9 years older than me. They are close with each other but not with me. I was 9/10 when they went off to uni and we just never grew up together and had that same sibling relationship. I was essentially an only child from age 10 upwards. We are more like distant cousins than siblings.

@Alwayssomething14

I took a conscious decision when DS was three to improve my fitness. I was generally feeling a bit stodgy and I didn't want to be unable to keep up with an energetic primary school child. Energy is important.

So I took up running (having not done any since school). Did C25K, then Parkrun which I still do. It made a massive difference. I had the energy to teach him to swim, to ride a bike. Sunday afternoons running along lanes holding the back of his saddle 😂

When he was 6 he wanted to try karate but wanted me to do it with him. So I started martial arts at 51. Great for flexibility & core. I'm still doing it.

It's been fairly smooth sailing. He's 16 now and can out-cycle, out-swim, out-ski me, I can still outrun him over 10k.

Being older means I have more resources, more patience, more resilience. We get on well. Talk about everything from nuclear power to condoms to bike maintenance.

I've never refused to have a go at anything. I'm rubbish on skis but always willing to join in if asked. When he goes to Uni I shall ease off a bit ☺

I had my first at 38 and second when I was 43. Both were healthy and get on brilliantly. I am so grateful for them both.

Hey OP,
I'm 38 and pregnant with my first, so getting all of the "older mum" notices on my notes!
I'm only around 7/8 weeks at the moment so I can't say much, but a close friend of mine had her first aged 42, with the added complication of being a T1 diabetic who needs to inject insulin at every meal. Both her and baby were absolutely fine, baby is now 2 and completely healthy and happy.
Wishing you all the best! X