Autism - ttc 3rd child

[AmIDelulu]

DH & I want to start ttc our 3rd child but I'm surrounded by people telling us not to. Mainly so we don't 'mess up' what we have. We have 2 DC 8&3.

Eldest has ASD & ADHD. My first birth was traumatic ending in emergency section so I don't believe genetics were at play. Family are telling us with 1 Asd child chances are high for any siblings regardless if genetics or not and I'm too old so high chances there too. I'm 37. Google is horribly contradictory. Does anyone know the answer?

Neurodiversity is not caused by type of birth, the babies brain has already started to develope to whatever neurotype they are by then. There is a relatively high chance that genetics are at play, so if you were to have another, there is a higher chance they would also be neurodiverse.

Only you know if you have the capacity to care for a child with similar or possibly higher needs then the child you already have, and how doing so will impact your family. If you don't feel you could care for another disabled child, you shouldn't have another, though that's the same for everyone, as it'salwaysa possibility.

(If relevant, I have two autistic DC. We knew when having DC2 there was a high possibility, but decided we were fine with it. It can be tricky balancing everyone's needs, but I wouldn't change either of them)

ASD certainly runs in families. Mine included. I have one with ASD and one without. I think the workload would have broken me with a third, particularly if they also had ASD.

How is your 3yo presenting? Also ND? Are you or DH neurodivergent?

It is absolutely genetic. However people are being very unreasonable telling you not to procreate because you have ND kids! In fact that’s so icky of them. ND people often develop differently but can go on to have wonderful, successful and fulfilling lives.

It’s so tricky, whether to have a third! Something I’m thinking about at the moment too. One child with ASD, one without. Autism runs in my family. Where is a crystal ball when you need one?

I have a child with ADHD and he was born vaginally very fast (30 minutes between first contraction and holding him ) . I personally think that it’s in his genes and the type of birth doesn’t matter.

His 2 older siblings were vaginal births of 5 hours from first twinge and they are neurotypical.

Neurodiversity has a genetic component so your third child would have a higher chance of being neurodiverse too. Only you know your circumstances and whether you and your family could cope with that.

There are strong genetic links with both. Also the older Dad is the more likely a child with have ASD.

You must have a middle child then? Are they also ND or not? I’m currently pregnant with DC 2 and have a lovely ASD kiddo. It’s pretty much genetics IMO. I did also have a traumatic birth and DC had to go to SCBU. The chances are slightly higher, that’s a fact. I personally know of two mums with one ASD older child and a NT younger child.

Bugger. I thought the birth mattered. DC2 shows no signs of being ND.

If it is genetic I haven't got a scooby who or even which side the genes are from!

We could manage another ND child if needs were similar to eldest but probably not if the needs were high. Which of course there's no way to know. Arghhh. Spanner in the works....

We are of the same opinion. If similar to DC1 then fine, we can deal with that. Otherwise it would be hard to deal with a more high needs child, but it is a roll of the dice. The odds for us are higher as we are probably also ND, but it seems to be a specific type of ND - verbal, average to higher IQ, nothing special.

Definitely higher chance of any subsequent DC being autistic.

However, we have 5 and only the middle one has autism to a disabling degree. We did not actually realise all 5 are affected until quite recently. Most reached adulthood without much bother at all.

It is only with this current fashion for self diagnosis that our DC have been identifying features in themselves. They have also diagnosed me with adhd!!!

Our youngest dd has struggled at high school and we are currently going through private autism asst for her.

Maybe we are all a bit weird but all live independently and well apart from middle ds. Elder ones work, partners, one has a child.

So - i don't know if the possibility of autism is enough reason to prevent someone having a life at all, tbh.

Even my middle ds loves life!

My situation is a little bit different to yours OP but my DS is autistic. Yet to recieve the official diagnosis but it’s plain for all to see.

For years I was so reluctant to have another as I was terrified of having another with ASD; my son is 4 and I’d say despite being delayed and us making adaptions all the time we don’t even realise we are doing, he isn’t much more difficult than any other 3 year old. However my nephew (my sisters son) is ASD and is severe - non verbal, doesn’t sleep more than 3,4 hours a night, etc and my brother is autistic albeit high functioning. Obviously in our family DNA and you never know what you are going to get.

I’m pregnant, completely unexpectedly and now a single Mum and the future can seem really scary. But I was overjoyed when I found out I was pregnant and I’ve decided not to live my life through fear. This is also a baby girl and so I’m feeling like it might be a sex specific thing, in our family at least.

Also a little side note - a couple I went to uni with had a little girl who has got A LOT of needs, more so than my nephew if that gives context - epilepsy, a muscular syndrome, many many things bless her heart and they went on to have another girl who is neurotypical.

I’m not sure what im trying to say but i dont know, ive just decided not to make decisions based on things that may not even happen anyway.

I have a high needs autistic non-verbal son he's 5 now. The light of my life and the reason we put off having another child for so long. I am now pregnant with my second child. I knew going into this pregnancy that this one could also be autistic and it did take me time to think about if I could handle it as well as if my son could too. But I knew that I wanted to have another child and that we've dealt with everything thrown at us so far. I of course am worried about how my son will cope but also know that we will cope with it. We did genetic testing with my son after his diagnosis and they found no reason for it. So I know that I have a 50% chance that my next child will also be neurodivergent. I knew this before deciding to have another. It's hard to tell the future but I made this decision knowing that it could be hard but worth it. Xx

DS is autistic and loves being an only child, I wouldn't have a third on the basis that it is not the best thing for a child with ASD and ADHD to be in a busy household. Better to have more time available for the child with ASD you have, and a quieter calmer household IMO.

ASD/ADHD runs in families but ASD at least isn't always genetic 100% of the time. If you have any dyslexia, dypraxia etc in the family though then that will indicate the side of the family that neurodiversity is on.

My DH was diagnosed with ASD at the age of 4. Our son is 3 soon and shows no traits. He could still be of course, but nothing to suggest this yet (so unlikely to be high needs). I always knew there was higher risk for us. I just think you never know, nobody does. Could you cope with another neurodivergent child? Anybody wanting to TTC needs to consider they may have a neurodivergent child. If you think you'd cope, go for it!

There is increasing evidence to suggest sponteneous ASD is caused by old sperm / men older than 40. But when passed on genetically it’s more often passed on from female relatives - because females present differently you often have no idea it’s adhd or asd. It’s fairly common for adult women in the family to only be diagnosed after they learn about their kids’ diagnosis.

Eg women with severe adhd are often more likely to get shit done and be good at multitasking / deep thinking. They might or might not appear socially awkward but are often competent

Autism is genetic. So yes there's a fair chance your next child could have it.

If it's a case you couldn't meet their needs, then do not have another child. Is it really worth the risk? It wouldn't be fair on your second child either.

I have three autistic children (one also with ADHD) and think that often the needs get greater, especially when starting secondary school. You would need to juggle that with a baby or toddler, who is possibly neurodivergent themselves.

I wouldn’t have gone ahead with the third if I had known the reality. It’s having the money to allow them all enough space away from each other and everyone else, but also to fight for EHCPs, ongoing sensory occ therapy, ed psych, SALT, school refusal and the impact on being able to work. That’s before I get to the mental and physical well being as a parent and the detriment on a marriage. There is also the reality that at least one won’t leave home and will continue to be physically violent towards me long into my retirement (assuming I’m not beaten to death by then).

You also might think you can manage with two that have similar needs but they might trigger each other so they can’t be together and turn something that was manageable into something that isn’t.

Also to add to this, my DH's sibling isn't diagnosed, and isn't thought to be autistic. I do think their dad may be though, mostly because of his interests (similar interests to DH, one of which is quite a common hobby for people with ASD!).

I have 4 kids. 3 are autistic but quite capable in many ways. One had side order of huge anxiety and we've had camhs intervention for most of them and senco suport/ehcp. It has been years of working with schools and support but they are all teens now and I wouldn't change it for the world. If you want another dont factor ND into it, they are no more likely to be high needs, just different needs. Mine are outrageously funny and perfectly unique individuals. Just food for thought xxx