Discussing ttc again with dh

[GunesM]

Hi I am 37 with 3 lovely grown boys. İ have always wanted a 4th since early 30's but dh only come round to the idea last year when we stopped using protection a year on i found out I was pregnant and just couldn't get excited went into a kind of prenatal depression made dh life hell for a while but found out I had a mmc at 9 weeks resulting in a d&c just last week we are both heartbroken dh now says after the hormonal spiral i couldn't control having more isn't such a great idea and he doesent want to try again my youngest is 10 and i long for a little one again am devastated by my loss guilty I didnt feel excited at the time and now feel like hes going to punish me by calling it a day I have no idea if when it's would be safe to ttc again but as dh is no longer keen feel i cant even think about it but for me its all that's İn my mind i have a huge amount of love to give and now no baby to give it too anyone any advice on how we work through this as age is not on my side anymore

I'm so sorry for you loss OP

Unfortunately I sort of agree with your DH - if your depression was so deep and in your words "you made his life hell" kindly I don't know why you think he would be so keen to jump back into TTC? And so soon after?

Your loss is so recent and raw give it time and he may change his mind

Four is a lot of children to have when you’re not very mentally robust.

I would agree if bringing up children had been a burden for me but it has absolutely been the best days of my life loved every minute and have patience and lots of love still to give have always been very maternal and not having them so dependant and looseing schedule with them being older has contributed to my anxiety today as i feel too much of a lost soul am not ready to be at this point many of my friends have young children and i feel redundant when i am around them but too young to feel this way in life. The Dr i seen said my feelings were completely normal due to hormones and i was so close to being over the worst first trimester. İ can't see how accepting being done is going to help me when it's what i have wanted for so long ttc for a year shows how much i really wanted this i had plenty of time to consider if i was doing the right thing i followed my heart all the way.

You have a lot of love to give but you have three children and a husband to give it to. My mother kept on having children and the focus was always on the baby rather than on the others and we actually really needed it.

Everyone loves to have babies but you don't have to keep on and on having them! It's hard just having the memory rather than the experience but you have three healthy happy children and I think you need to focus on them.

I would worry a bit that you're having a baby to fulfil a need for yourself to feel useful. Your littlest is only 10, that is by no means grown and fully independent! I am 38 having my second and often wish we'd started earlier but it's just how life goes. If your pregnancy made you spiral then maybe take a step back and really think if this is what you and your husband want. There's so much to enjoy in life past the little kids phase - if you have a lot of love to give, are there other outlets for this?

But another way to look at it is the joy i get from loving them and seeing them succeed and happy i am content don't get me wrong with loving the family i am blessed to have but also i haven't just had them and kept going for the sake of a baby far from it as they all came along very close and grew up togeather as babies it was choatic at first and there younger years flew by hence why we both jointly decided last year it would be lovely to add another now as we have much more time to give attention and love to another my teens are hardly home they are starting there own lifes i would love for them to need me more but that's not how life works they are finding there own now and will be gone sooner than any of us want

Hence why we didn't feel it would be unfair to have another it would have infact helped us pass this first stage of the older two moving on in life. İt has been 10 years i really dont feel we are just keeping on having babies we had already decided i would have a tubal during my c section had things worked out. İ cant help feel we woukd always regret the one we didn't have and regret is not easy to live with.

You obviously had your children very young, and went into Mother mode before you had the chance to develop fully as a person in your own right, independent of the children.

The fact that you see the end of those years with dread, and are desperately trying to extend them shows a new baby is for all the wrong reasons.
Even if you have a baby now or in ten years time there will be a period of your life where you have to live independently of the children.
I think that’s what you need to focus on. Making preparations for the next phase of your life and setting goals for yourself that are about you as an individual- cutting the apron strings.

It would be a no from me too.

Time to focus all that love on your existing children and your marriage.

İ get the impression some may feel I dont already appreciate what i have or focus enough this is not the case never has been our plan was always 4 but we never decided when until last year now it seems im trying to replace my grown children which i dont agree with as i have always wanted another to complete us i think everyone has a number in there head when they choose to have children and I believe my reasons are the valid reason's to have another child A desire to give and nurture another.

True enjoyment for children.

A feeling that caring for another child will be more fulfilling than at least some of what you are currently doing in your life.

Feeling like you have enough to share around (love, energy, emotional resources)

İ cant see why anyone would choose to have more children without those feelings any mother knows exactly how much hard work it really is so why do it if only to cuddle a baby for so long as they dont stay babies long very aware of the lifelong commitment it is and that is what we wanted to do with our lives again. Yes i was young but i wouldn't change it for the world we have never missed out on enjoying life at the same time it is hard for me to doubt how i feel about this when my reasons seem valid enough and the heartbreak of this loss will never leave me.

You've got a lot of kids op. A 4th is a stretch - your time, money, health, space in the house, will they all fit in the car etc etc plus the roulette of will the child be healthy. This is a want not a need. The need you have right now is to give yourself time to get together after your loss and what sounds like a really confusing time.

I would look into counselling. I had an awful time after having my daughter. It took 2 years to recover from the pnd. When she was 3 we started discussing TTC we were both a bit daunted by the risks of things happening the same way again. I had counselling with my HV and my partner joined us for a session and we found it really helpful to have a space to discuss our wants and fears. Whether a 4th is a good idea is less important than the process of figuring out what is right for you both and your family. It seems like at the moment you both have your own views and are hoping that magically you will come to the same decision with time. You need to sit in a neutral space to find a route forward.

I feel you're reply was a little over the top firstly i didnt ask how many kids were too many the number of children someone has and can provide for is personal to the individual given that im asking for advice on how to work through this with dh and we have just lost a wanted 4th would usually indicate i am financially stable enough to provide for it and space to fill.i may have anxiety issue's but am not stupid when it comes to reality.
The question of a healthy child will never change whether i am 20 or 37 i had the same amount of worry with all 3 in my early 20s. I agree i may need some time as im currently experiencing trauma but we had made a decsion to have another the year we began ttc that baby so i feel for me I would like to pick up were we left od when my ob agrees its ok too obviously husband feels different and its something we are going to have to work on

Thank-you we have done counselling previously and it was after that dh approached me and said he feels the same about extending the family back last march when we began ttc. I feel my panic at initial shock of the pregnancy after 1.5 years ttc has made him feel it may ne better to call it a day although today its a week since my d&c and he has said the thought of bringing that baby home had made him so happy

It's quite strange to refer to your children as "grown" when one of them is only 10. How old are the others?

You are getting quite a few harsh replies OP but that's because I think there is a general undertone in MN that people shouldn't have more than 2 children 😅

I guess the only thing to do would be to try to prove to your husband that you won't go through the same depression/anxiety/emotional response if you were to get pregnant again. I'm not sure how you go about that though? How did you make his life "hell" and did it impact on your older children? If it was truly an awful time for him, you and the whole family I think you are going to have a tough time proving to him that it won't happen again?

16 14 and 10 there never too grown to need there mum ofcourse but referring to them being very independent and gradually growing there own wings in life now I love every stage with them and will always be there biggest cheerleader in life but there now onto the next stage of growing up into young adults and need there independance.

Yes 100% should have known better than to post this here not only do some people make u feel you're not going to provide enough love and attention to the ones I already have if we had another which is totally untrue as i have been lucky enough to always work from home and have been here for them24/7 we have tried to give themnthe best possibilities in life and if we can do that for another and have our hearts fulfilled to where's the harm.
No i didn't allow it affect my 3 we didn't tell them anyway planned to tell them after 12 weeks but for the hubby it was 9 weeks of emotional outbursts mainly due to hormones id say pointless rows etc I feel now i just needed some reasurance we were going to be ok as i had many usual mom doubts in my head a baby first or last can be scary when you first find out you question your ability as a good parent etc

@GunesM I'd go back then if it helped before even if it's just for a couple of sessions.

I don’t know if there’s a reason for it but the only time I had prenatal depression I also had a mmc - one nurse said to me that if things aren’t right / hormone levels ‘off’ it can affect mood. Perhaps this is what happened to you ? I think you need to give yourself time to process the loss and then chat to your dh again