Help and advice needed – Possible pregnancy at 39

[ClaraSolis]

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting, so I hope this makes sense!

I’m turning 40 (!) in February and have never really felt the urge to have children. When my husband and I first got together, he wasn’t bothered either, but in the last few years, he’s been mentioning that he thinks we’d make good parents. We probably would, though I am an anxious wreck half of the time haha.

One major reason I’ve been hesitant is that I have a strong phobia of pregnancy and childbirth, which has terrified me for years. I’ve had nightmares about it and even had panic attacks when I thought I was pregnant in the past.

I also don’t have any close family or friends here for support. I’m an EU-national living in the UK since 2012, and my husband doesn’t have family around either. I work from home as well, so my support network is non-existent, which adds to my fear of having a baby and trying to raise a child by myself.

However, knowing my age and fertility window, I went off the pill in early 2023. I think I might be pregnant right now, but I’m confused. I haven’t been tracking my periods closely, but I think my last one was somewhere in September (vague, I know). I’ve taken a few tests today to check: a saliva test that came back negative, and two Clearblue digital tests with a few hours in between - one said “Pregnant 2-3 weeks” and the other “Pregnant 1-2 weeks.” I took another saliva test later, and it was negative again.
What are the chances I’m actually pregnant? Should I get different tests? I don't want to tell my husband until I am sure.

I have also been having left-side cramps since the start of the year, which makes me worry about ectopic pregnancy or other things like liver disease.
I had some abnormal blood results in April (serum alkaline phosphatase levels) after having bad pains, but never heard back from my GP after a second test in May, so I assumed it wasn’t anything serious. Should I be asking for another test?

If I am pregnant, what steps should I take next? I know nothing about maternity care in the UK and feel pretty overwhelmed. I filled out a form for my GP, but all they replied was to contact the local midwives, without providing any details. I am struggling to find the right info online as well.

I'm sorry for the very long post! Any advice or guidance would be really appreciated, as I feel a bit lost at the moment!

I'd say wait a week or two more and do another test. It differs from county to county but you will probably have to self-refer your pregnancy online. You'll then have a midwife call you about the next steps. Good luck!

Hi Op,
If you are taking digitals that say 'pregnant' then it's safe to say you are probably very much pregnant! I've never heard of a saliva swab pregnancy test, do they sell them in the UK? Pregnancy tests work by picking up HCG in your urine, I wasn't aware it could be picked up any other way except by blood. You could also try a urine dip test if you want to double check, you know the ones that show the two lines, but it would be highly unusual to get a false positive on a digital test, especially two of them.
The left sided pain you have been experiencing all year will be unrelated to your pregnancy as you are most likely only a few weeks along.
In most trusts you can self refer for your maternity care directly to the hospital, so find out online where your nearest hospital is that has a maternity unit and do an online referral. Then you just wait for them to contact you, usually you have your first booking in appointment between 8-10 weeks.

Thank you, I'll go to the pharmacy tomorrow and get some more tests. I'll probably end up taking one again tomorrow, don't think I can wait a week haha.

I've been searching online for local midwife information, but most of the websites don't seem to work, which is not helping my anxiety. 😅

Also, how would I find out how many weeks pregnant I am, if I don't know the date of my last period? The due date calculators all ask when my last period was, but I honestly don't remember. 🤔

Hi! The saliva test was from Boots (their own brand). Most of the reviews were positive, with only a few negative ones. You basically stick a weird swab in your mouth for 90 seconds collecting (a lot) of saliva. Then it takes up to 15 minutes for the result to show up (two stripes). But mine only showed the one stripe on both saliva tests. I've attached a photo of my tests.

I might contact my GP again about the pain in my side, as it does concern me. But they have been very dismissive of my problems the few times I've contacted them, so I'm not sure if they will be any help.

I have also tried looking for the self referral, but I think the NHS websites are down, at least for me. I only get error messages at the moment. 😣
I'll have to try again tomorrow!

You are best ringing your GP to self refer, they will either make the referral or tell you how you can do it.

I would say by the tests you’re fairly certainly pregnant. I’ve never heard of saliva tests either.

oh wow I've never even heard of saliva pregnancy tests! It might be the sensitivity on them isn't very high which is why nothing was picked up. I would get a urine dip one with the two lines to show a positive, but tbh the fact you've got a positive on a digital I wouldn't even second guess that if I was testing.

If you know your local hospital you can often find a maternity services referral form on their website, or just type in to google 'maternity services referral near me' and it should come up. If you are worried about the pain you can definitely let your midwife know about it at your booking in appointment, does it feel in the region of where your ovaries are or is it more abdominal?

Not sure if any help but I was in your situation with no idea about dates and had a ‘pregnant 2-3’ clear blue. I was scanned for other reasons around 10-14 days afterwards and was between 6-7 weeks.

If you’re getting 2-3 weeks on a digital that means you likely conceived 2-3 weeks ago and are 4-5 weeks pregnant in the way that it is typically counted (which assumes that you ovulated 14 days after your period).

You will need a scan to accurately date the pregnancy though - probably worth waiting a couple of weeks for that so that you can be sure of seeing something! And congrats!

Yeah, I hadn't heard of saliva tests either, only saw them online when looking for pregnancy tests. I'm actually fairly sure I'm pregnant now as well, as my breasts are feeling sore and I'm sure I should've been on my period by now. Even my husband asked when my last period was, and he's normally not that observant. 😂

The pain I have is on the left side, around the bottom of the rib cage. It's very dull, though I had bad pains in April, after which I had the 2 blood tests (and urine and stool sample). I contacted the GP online today to ask about the result of my 2nd blood test (never heard back from them and some of the results aren't in the NHS app), and they've given me an appointment on Wednesday. I do worry about having something like liver disease or something else, so hopefully they will take it more seriously this time and check it out.

I still haven't told my husband by the way. I wonder if I should wait until after my GP appointment, as I don't want him getting excited only to then be told something might be wrong. 😰

If something is wrong then you are going to want his support either way. You've done two digital pregnancy tests which say 'pregnant', you are late on your period and have sore breasts. I think you just need trust that you are definitely pregnant and start the maternity referral, unless your GP can do it for you when they see you at your appointment on Wednesday.

You will be perfect! I had the exact same aversion and utter terror but really the actual pregnancy is fine and you have all the time in the work whilst pregnant ro go to the various support groups etc and services available to find out and formulate how to have the baby. Ironically, despite my utter phobia ,after hearing all about c sections,induction etc etc it was all too interventionist and unnatural for me so I just had a 'normal' delivery without any pain relief except gas/air.. I did the same for next 2 pregnancies. However if you're OK with needles they can give you what an anaesthetic for your birth area and as I understand you don't feel anything of it,or much anyhow!
But congratulations you will actually love the outcome and even if luke me the initial stages were not your thing,they are the most adoring loving creatures who will be with you through thick and thin and give you full love. Also try not be so hard on yourself as you sound like me if anxious and thus probably a bit of a perfectionist, which can make unnecessary stress for yourself. My advice however is to get the house and work stuff sorted out before the birth so you can actually relax when baby is born and not have to do anything extra

Hi OP id tell your husband sooner rather than later so he can support you either way. My experience of gp/midwives in early pregnancy is that they are very hands off early on and you won't get anything that will give you definitive certainty from them until you start having scans. E. G. My first midwife 'booking' appt was wholly underwhelming. I had visions of them doing some kind of blood test to check I was pregnant and feeling my tummy etc. That didn't happen at all and that was at 10 weeks pregnant. If you want proof and to see how far along you are and if things are progressing then I'd get a private scan in a week or two.

@BMK and @gingertigercat

Thank you for your posts. I posted the thread in October, so we are now a bit further along. I told my husband a week after I found out. I bought him a little book with dad jokes. He didn't get it at first. 😆

We booked a private scan at 9 weeks because we were quite anxious and the NHS just takes so long to do anything. I think that put our mind at ease a bit. Had our 12-week scan this week and so far everything seems fine. 😊
I haven't told my family yet, we're going to surprise them with the new at Christmas. I don't think they will expect it as I always said I probably wouldn't have kids. 😅

As for the birth itself, I'm trying not to think about it yet. I do want to look at all different options. My sisters both had emergency C-sections (1 sister had 2 emergency and 1 planned C-section), so it's something I need to consider. I definitely want to make sure epidurals are available as I have a really low pain threshold. My fears mainly seem to be about the pain, things going wrong (dying or the baby dying)...

If anyone has any links or advice for support groups etc, that would be greatly appreciated! I think the lack of support and the lack of family or friends is what scares me the most at the moment. I am also self-employed and can't really take any maternity leave, so I don't know yet how I'm going to combine it all. 😰