Anyone else husband/partner the same? 🥲

[KK0602]

Hi ladies!
im 21 weeks. Planned pregnancy. Been with my partner nearly 9 years. a good lovely close relationship.
anyway, not sure if it is all the pregnancy hormones, but just needed a bit of a rant!
everyday my mind is consumed with researching products for the babies coming (twins!) I’m researching and checking reviews picking out the best products we need, clothes, allll of it
and at the same time I’m on tiktok and YouTube watching midwifes talking to get all the tips for being a first time mum.
my partner hasn’t researched a single thing lol
when we speak about it he just says - it will all come to him when the babies are here, I will teach him , he’ll get tips from me, blah blah. Ive asked him to have a look at some baby stuff he’ll like for the babies but he always ends up saying it’ll be my choice anyway and I know what’s best! Which is true lol but still I would like him to at least LOOK. Yesterday we done some window shopping for prams and essentials I basically was showing him everything and explaining things.
sorry but am I being overly emotionally?! I’m feeling so annoyed! Maybe it is because my head is full of 100 things
he is definetly not a bad person or lazy. He works nearly 60 hours a week and provides for us. Just want him to maybe show a tad more interest. But is this just a ‘man thing’ ? 🫣😂

I do think there is a difference - to generalise here - between how men and women approach pregnancy and preparation for babies. I think for us, as we are carrying the baby, it's on our mind all the time. I remember worrying about things before our first scan and my husband said "oh don't worry about that now" - when it was all I could think about! But I think they have more distance as they aren't always thinking about twinges, movements, bump, changes etc..

My husband is great and a wonderful dad, but in most scenarios I do all the research and he goes along with it. Eg we are potty training our first, guess who read the book and bought the stuff and stresses about it more. I also read up on weaning, researched nurseries and pretty much everything. But it doesn't mean he isn't interested, he just comes at it differently. Also if your partner works a 60 hour week he probably doesn't have the head space to research prams in his spare time just now, you've still got a way to go. As long as he's interested in the baby when they arrive I'd let him off!

Congrats on your little twins! 😍

Ahhh I think some men are like this. I don’t think they’d want to upset their partners by it though. Mine hasn’t taken loads of interest in what I have picked. I’ve done all the research, I’ve narrowed it down and we’ll choose together. With things like the car seat he just wants the safest one and one that rotates 😅 Cot and things like that he’s not bothered at all. He knows how much I research things and trusts my judgement (and I know he wouldn’t be interested in researching things!). He’s not bought anything for our baby on the way yet - he has obviously been thinking about this as he’s mentioned that he needs to buy her stuff (he’s currently looking at cuddly toy llamas 🤣🤣🤣). He’s not bought any clothes because he thinks I won’t like them 🥹 I’ve said buy whatever you like for your daughter!
I don’t think they mean anything by it at all, I think when baby arrives they will start thinking that way though.
I would be annoyed if he didn’t take much interest in practical stuff - I’ve got my partner to listen to podcasts and listen to hypnobirthing stuff with me, and we’re both going to 2 different antenatal classes. When you get booked on to those I’m sure it’ll hit home that it’s happening and real!
Like @strawberry11 says I think they definitely just approach things differently and it is different when we’re the ones growing the baby and feeling crap and feeling baby move etc. I’m sure when baby is here they’ll be wonderful daddies and be helpful ☺️

I don’t think it’s necessarily a man vs woman thing more different personalities. My husband likes to ‘learn on the job’ and hates being told what to do. I like to know the pros/cons to everything before I even attempt something! So like you I’ve researched what to buy, bought it but then got hubby to build it. I’ve arranged for us to attend antennal classes, first aid course, read online information etc. He’s done everything I ask he just wouldn’t be proactive about it. But he’s the same about everything in life, I organise everything unless I say eg ‘I want you to organise a day out for my birthday’ and he’ll go and do it. He’s quite happy to get up each day and decide what to do that day he does not plan in advance for anything.

Other way round here

I’m 30 weeks and still cannot quite wrap my head around the fact that we are having a BABY (and soon!) so I feel like my head is firmly in the sand when it comes to researching stuff, whereas DP is absolutely buzzing and has been researching everything he can think of right down to which carrier he wants as he’s so excited to baby-wear he’ll be packing my hospital bag for me at this rate because my brain just can’t compute that this pregnancy is going to result in a baby!

I think it’s more real for you at this stage. You’ve possibly felt baby move but he hasn’t yet. You’ve had pregnancy symptoms, restrictions on your diet. You’ve been adjusting for a while but it’s a bit more abstract for men, they know they will be a father but it’s still months away and nothing has changed for them at the minute.

However, that being said I can see the potential for some problems down the road.
when we speak about it he just says - it will all come to him when the babies are here, I will teach him , he’ll get tips from me, blah blah.
So you’re responsible for him figuring it out? You’ll give him tips and will teach him and the rest will be natural instinct? Who is teaching you? Oh right, you are! Why are you responsible for his learning too?

like for the babies but he always ends up saying it’ll be my choice anyway and I know what’s best!
More responsibility for you.

he is definetly not a bad person or lazy. He works nearly 60 hours a week and provides for us.
He works long hours so he won’t be able to do his fair share with the babies but you'll both say he provides for you. If this is the case, is he going to be contributing more to the child costs whilst you’re on maternity leave? Buying the nappies, wipes? His work might easily become his excuse to not be involved.

Whilst I wouldn’t expect him to be thinking about the pregnancy every day at this stage, he does need to step up more. You need to explain that you are not going to be doing all the project management and admin for your children and he needs to step up. Maybe give him something to research so you research travel systems and he researches bedside cribs. You then discuss your findings with the other before buying.

Working 60 hours a week is a lot so I expect he’s tired. It sounds like you enjoy doing the research and planing where he’s more go with the flow.

I'm 30 weeks, first baby with DH together 10 years.

My husband is very similar. I'm not worried about him learning things really, he's got nephews and nieces who he's been very hands on with and I really see it from the perspective of, it is a learn on the job type thing; no two baby's are the same so something you learn for one may not work for the other. I think aslong as you know the basics, like changing a nappy, bathing, feeding, the rest sort of comes naturally as you process through the journey of parenthood (afterall, our grandparents didn't have all these fancy gadgets or YouTube/tik tok to learn, and I would assume most our parents turned out decent, well cared for people)

In regards to clothes etc, I've done it all. He's not interested in fashion at all, he doesn't even buy his own clothes: I've brought everything he owns clothes and shoes wise, he despises it. Which is totally fine! So instead I've had lovely shopping days out with my mum and sister: I'd much rather that than him come to entertain my need for him to care when I know he doesn't really.
Pram we decided in together, most the other stuff I've chosen and I'm totally fine with it.
He pays half for everything, and I know that non of that material stuff means he's any less interested in our baby than I am. He's done the baby's room and enjoyed it, He's so excited and regularly expresses that aswell as has taken very good care of me throughout the pregnancy. He's just not into materialistic things whereas I thrive off a shopping trip.

If it's really important to you I'd express that to him and let him know how it's making you feel. Xxxxx

My husband was the same with our first pregnancy 😂 I'd be up googling "what temperature bath water is safe for a baby" and "how to cut baby nails" etc and he didn't consider any of it!

A couple of months after she was born he said "this is so easy isn't it?" as I sat there with minimal sleep from all the night wakings (it's just how we managed as I was breastfeeding). I said, yes it's easy for you! Because I researched and bought everything we could ever need, I organised everything so that we could find it easily, I thought about everything relentlessly 😂

My partner was mixed. He was involved with looking through prams and car seats. I did some research gave him my thoughts, he did a bit of research then we did some internet shopping together (mid 2020 no shops open!)

We did cloth nappies and I did a lot of research and he was just happy to go with what to suggested. Clothing that was all deferred to me.

We bought most things after baby arrived and I probably did 2/3 of the research and he did the rest. Aside from clothing all decisions were joint and we had a discussion about whether we needed it and were there any features that were a must. His mum helped out a lot too as we bought nearly everything second hand and she looked on eBay as well as us and found us some good items!

Broadly for things where pretty much everything is ok decisions are left to me. We discuss nearly everything else and my partner usually contributes but often comes in second after I have done some initial research

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus - we are not the same.

You’re so early, no wonder he’s not interested, and kindly it sounds like you’re going way OTT. I was due last week and we only just bought a car seat, you really don’t need much stuff, let alone doing research. We’re lucky and have had most stuff as hand me downs, so no decision or shopping thank god. Are you planning to do antenatal classes? My husband found the classes really helpful but no way he’d read a book or look at videos. Please get advice from reputable sources, not Tiktok…

It’s the opposite in my house, haven’t bought a thing, not doing any research because firstly I have a really busy job and therefore no capacity or time to do that and secondly people have been having babies for years and we didn’t have all the material items or access to tiktok. Spending hours researching seems like a waste of time to me, I plan to walk into John Lewis 3 weeks prior and ask the shop assistant what she thinks I need.

I say the opposite, but the only thing my husband is really researching is a car seat because he loves cars.

I was quite like your DH. I didn't research buying anything, just took a couple of trips to Mamas and Papas and bought a pram there, picked up a few onesies alongside the supermarket shop etc.

Did NCT classes but was mostly happy to figure it out when it happened. I didn't buy or read any books about any of it.

Issue will be if he continues this after they’re born.

will the mental load be left to you? Will he expect to “help” you, be told what to do rather than using his own brain?

beware “you only need to tell me what to do and I’ll do whatever you want” mindset. Ends up being quicker to do yourself than instruct and supervise him.

Be careful leaving it that late! I went into spontaneous labour at 37 weeks with my first and thankfully we had everything at home (though it was all in unopened boxes!)

We didn't do much research people have been having babies for thousands of years, as long as the basics are covered why need to make it more complicated than it needs to be?

He is setting the scene for you tk be the default parent

It is ‘normal’ in the sense that it’s very common for men to behave like this but my advice is do what you can to nip it in the bud!!
Otherwise, you will always be the primary caregiver. You will ‘teach him’ and tell him what to do. The babies will cry and he will say ‘they just want you’. Think ‘weaponised incompetence’.
You definitely will have nesting hormones going on, and can’t expect him to obsess with you over this stuff. But I would advise you to set some clear expectations of equal parenting and tell him he needs to make some of the decisions around buggies etc because he will be using them as much as you. Don’t let him make you into the expert or you will then become the doer or at the very least the household manager. It’s not as cute a job as it sounds!

Exactly

Thank you all for taking your time to comment. I think I’m very overwhelmed at the moment that is why I’m feeling a bit annoyed & emotional and needed to rant on here before I maybe start any pointless arguments with my partner!

I have been told last week that I should prepare for the twins to come between 32 to 38 weeks as I’ll have scans every 2 weeks from now to watch growth etc.
More than half of twins born before 37 weeks. So hearing this just made my mind blow up a bit.
Yes I’m probably over thinking and going a bit OTT with my thoughts hence why I wrote this post to get me to calm down! Which it certainly has! Thank you all for the advice and comments
My partner is the one who suggested antenatal classes actually, so I’ll get a few booked in and hopefully this will help us a lot. Thank you!

Sounds like he is working hard. I don't think it's sounds abnormal. Everyone is different with how they are, expectations and parenthood.
Il explain how things are for me and it may resonate : It's also our first baby and I have chosen and purchased all of our things. - My partner gave me the money to get these for our baby.
I talk about our baby all the time, he does with me when i initiate it mostly. He is there by my side and is watching me grow, he does feel the movements - again mostly when i instigate it. I feel that if he was carrying he would have the same emotion and instigate it but he isn't feeling it 247 and waking up in the night ect he has a lot on at work and is thinking about that and other things too. so I think it's just different as they are looking in on whats happening rather than carrying.
He has joined me at all scans and would continue to do so. As for antenatal classes and midwife appointments - this woud be pointless and a waste of time, him taking time off work. I know he most likely won't be doing nappies or night feeds (as will be up early going to work to support us while I am off and get to be off for the year with our baby). He is excited and is looking forward for the arrival and will certainly be a loving farther - as well as bringing fun chaos to our home too no doubt .😆🤣.
For me, he is a great partner who is there, helps out round the house and cooks regularly and is going to support us by going to work and provide for us. I don't think I would ask for anything more, I am happy, I don't think it would be fair to ask of anymore. That's just me, Everyone is different and people contribute in different ways it's just how you work it out together. I hope you enjoy your pregnancy and congratulations xxx