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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Pregnant & no communication with the Father

17 replies

Laurenw17 · 08/10/2024 13:59

Hi All,

Would really welcome some advice on my current situation!

I’m 3 months pregnant with my first child and got pregnant by a guy I was dating this summer. It was the 2nd time we had dated & the pregnancy was unplanned. I had broken things off as he had let me down a few times and a week later I found out that I was pregnant.

I told him the day I found out and we discussed what to do daily for a week. He was adamant about me not proceeding with the pregnancy as he had just had a baby with someone he had dated the previous year & wasn’t able to see the baby often. After a lot of consideration, I just felt I couldn’t go through with a termination and as I’m 32 and have a very good job, I felt I was able to support a baby if he felt he couldn’t be involved.

After I decided to keep the baby, he then wanted us to be together & be a family as he said he hadn’t wanted to break up. I then met his family & he was pushing for me to relocate with him so we could live closer to his family. I agreed and started discussing this with work & selling my property where we currently live. During this time he did have struggles with his mental health & was quite difficult to be with. I did try to support him & excused a lot of negative behaviour because of it.

A few weeks later when I was 10 weeks pregnant, we spoke on the phone and he told me out of the blue that he didn’t want to be together anymore because he & everyone close to him, felt that I had gotten pregnant on purpose to trap him in a relationship. I said it was irrational as I had broken up with him before I found out that I was pregnant so I wouldn’t have done that if I was trying to trap him but he wouldn’t listen. He then just asked to be kept updated & that we would sort out a visitation schedule ‘if the baby arrives’ and we proceeded to email a few times about the relationship & baby. In his emails he was now pushing for co-parenting but not being clear about his involvement/committing to attending scans or appointments with me. Because he also wants to relocate to be with his family, it would leave me little support where we live so I’m now having to plan to relocate to my hometown for support which will be over 4 hours away from him.

I emailed him a few weeks ago defending myself again as he had made claims that he couldn’t trust me and would worry ‘I would do this again in the future’. I advised him that I felt that I should attend the 12 week scan with someone who can support me, given things were challenging between us & he has not been supportive throughout, aside from saying he wants to be involved. I did leave it that I hoped things would be better between us for the 20 week scan so he could come & be involved.

It’s been almost 3 weeks now and I haven’t heard from him. I’ve been quite upset that he hasn’t asked about the baby or the scan.

Do any of you have any advice on how to navigate this situation? Should I reach out to update him that the 12 week scan went ok? My family & friends feel like if he wanted to know he would reach out & that I should cut him off. I feel conflicted as I do want him to be involved but he isn’t putting in any effort. I’m also conscious that I’m struggling with the sudden change to us breaking up as it’s only been a few weeks & we were making plans to live together etc.

help and advice very much appreciated!

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 08/10/2024 14:08

What a twat.

It seems like he wants a relationship with the child (at the moment) but he wants to keep a distance from you.

The pregnancy and scans are about you and your pregnancy. They’re not really about the child so he’s unlikely to want any involvement in that. His relationship with the baby will begin when it’s here.

Although he seems to change with the wind so who knows what he’ll want to do when the baby arrives.

Deebee90 · 08/10/2024 14:21

It sounds like he thought he could make it work with you but you 2 clearly Aren’t meant to be together. Now is the time to focus on you and this baby. You are what matters. You can’t push him to be involved with the baby if he doesn’t wish to be. Give him the dates of the scans but also plan for someone else to be there with you .

I hope you have the right support for you and this baby .

BloodOfTheRaven · 08/10/2024 14:28

he was pushing for me to relocate with him so we could live closer to his family. I agreed and started discussing this with work & selling my property where we currently live.

Why would you give up what you have to move closer to HIS family? He's not a good bet for the long term

TheShellBeach · 08/10/2024 14:34

I wouldn't bother contacting him anymore. I'm sorry it's worked out like this, but if neither of you were using contraception, your chances of getting pregnant were always there.

Do your best to forget about him.

And don't put him on the birth certificate!

SErunner · 08/10/2024 14:46

Ditto others. He's not going to be around OP. I wouldn't waste your energy, accept he's gone and let him contact you in the future. Definitely do not move your life for jinx

Meadowfinch · 08/10/2024 14:47

OP, you need to focus on you and your child.

Take someone supportive to your scans. Consider locating to be close to your family and friends who will support you.

He is not someone to rely on if he's producing an unplanned baby a year. You need to plan your future based on your career, your support network and your life with your child, regardless of how far from him that is.

If he subsequently shows any interest then great but don't count on it.

Original poster
Laurenw17 · 08/10/2024 19:19

BloodOfTheRaven · 08/10/2024 14:28

he was pushing for me to relocate with him so we could live closer to his family. I agreed and started discussing this with work & selling my property where we currently live.

Why would you give up what you have to move closer to HIS family? He's not a good bet for the long term

Hiya so we had decided to be together at the time and he was adamant he wanted to be a family. We agreed it would be good to be close to one of our families for support (we live in a city away from both of our hometowns) & I did want our relationship to work so felt he was worth the sacrifice. Since the break up I am planning to relocate to be closer to my own family & they’re all very supportive!

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurenw17 · 08/10/2024 19:21

TheShellBeach · 08/10/2024 14:34

I wouldn't bother contacting him anymore. I'm sorry it's worked out like this, but if neither of you were using contraception, your chances of getting pregnant were always there.

Do your best to forget about him.

And don't put him on the birth certificate!

Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it! Until the two week silence, post break up he had been committed to co-parenting, wanted to be at the scans/birth & for the baby to have his surname, so I just wanted to ask why not put him on the birth certificate? Are there any specific risks doing that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurenw17 · 08/10/2024 19:24

Deebee90 · 08/10/2024 14:21

It sounds like he thought he could make it work with you but you 2 clearly Aren’t meant to be together. Now is the time to focus on you and this baby. You are what matters. You can’t push him to be involved with the baby if he doesn’t wish to be. Give him the dates of the scans but also plan for someone else to be there with you .

I hope you have the right support for you and this baby .

Thank you for the advice, I completely agree I can’t push him to be involved & he stopped communicating when I suggested I wouldn’t be comfortable with him at the 12 week scan. Would you suggest letting him know when the 20 week scan is or wait to see if he makes contact? I do have great support from friends and family & luckily I’m in a position where having the baby alone is manageable - Thank you!

OP posts:
AgileGreenSeal · 08/10/2024 19:38

Laurenw17 · 08/10/2024 19:21

Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it! Until the two week silence, post break up he had been committed to co-parenting, wanted to be at the scans/birth & for the baby to have his surname, so I just wanted to ask why not put him on the birth certificate? Are there any specific risks doing that?

Show quote history

If you’re in the UK he has to consent to being on the birth cert. You can’t just put his name on it.

This man sounds very flaky to me. I wouldn’t advise seeking his consent to be named on the birth certificate because if he is he has automatic parental responsibility for the child. If he’s willing to put himself out a little he can apply to the court for parental responsibility at a later date.

I would also get onto the Child Maintenance Service as soon as your baby is born so your baby can have the appropriate financial support to which s/he is entitled. The father does NOT need to be named on the birth certificate for child maintenance to be set up.
Best wishes to you and your baby xx

sel2223 · 09/10/2024 01:24

My sister went through something very similar with my nieces father (she's now 10) and my advice would be to keep him off the birth certificate and leave him to it if he doesn't want to be involved.

My sisters 'ex' (it was a short lived fling) quit his excellent job to ensure she never received a penny. Uses his 'parental responsibility' to block trips abroad etc. Makes the school, doctors run everything by him, keeps threatening to go for full custody etc. It's caused huge amounts of stress as everything is just a ploy to get at my sister and stay in control. It's nothing to do with being a good dad to my niece.
If she could go back she would have 'let him go' too

DPotter · 09/10/2024 03:40

It's not a matter of him simply giving consent to be on the birth certificate - he has to attend the registration appointment with you.

It's much easier for you if you and your baby have the same name. If things change and he steps up, his name can be added to the birth certificate.

AgileGreenSeal · 09/10/2024 07:28

In practice it is more simple if they register the birth together but it isn’t essential.

quote:

“However, for both parents’ details to be recorded on the birth certificate, they must do one of the following:

www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth

Statutory declaration of acknowledgement of parentage form

Complete this form to register a child's birth if both parents can't go in person to the register office

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/statutory-declaration-of-acknowledgement-of-parentage-form

AgileGreenSeal · 09/10/2024 07:29

sel2223 · 09/10/2024 01:24

My sister went through something very similar with my nieces father (she's now 10) and my advice would be to keep him off the birth certificate and leave him to it if he doesn't want to be involved.

My sisters 'ex' (it was a short lived fling) quit his excellent job to ensure she never received a penny. Uses his 'parental responsibility' to block trips abroad etc. Makes the school, doctors run everything by him, keeps threatening to go for full custody etc. It's caused huge amounts of stress as everything is just a ploy to get at my sister and stay in control. It's nothing to do with being a good dad to my niece.
If she could go back she would have 'let him go' too

Edited

This, OP.

pinkfleece · 09/10/2024 07:29

He's not going to support you. Ever.
You have options.

Either have the baby as a single parent, give it your name and don't put him on the birth certificate or expect any financial or actual support.

Or have a TOP.

And in future use contraception.

Original poster
Laurenw17 · 09/10/2024 10:12

pinkfleece · 09/10/2024 07:29

He's not going to support you. Ever.
You have options.

Either have the baby as a single parent, give it your name and don't put him on the birth certificate or expect any financial or actual support.

Or have a TOP.

And in future use contraception.

I did thank you, unfortunately theres always a chance that pregnancy can occur regardless. I’m also not interested in termination, I’m over 3 months pregnant and have clearly said I’m happy to have the baby alone so unsure this was necessary to say? I was simply asking for advice from other mums on whether to reach out to update him on the results of my 12 week scan or not but thank you.

OP posts:
pinkfleece · 09/10/2024 10:29

Laurenw17 · 09/10/2024 10:12

I did thank you, unfortunately theres always a chance that pregnancy can occur regardless. I’m also not interested in termination, I’m over 3 months pregnant and have clearly said I’m happy to have the baby alone so unsure this was necessary to say? I was simply asking for advice from other mums on whether to reach out to update him on the results of my 12 week scan or not but thank you.

Show quote history

Don't. Just don't get in touch at all, he won't and you'll be well shot of him.

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