BFP but terrified

[Bewildened]

I feel so awful writing this.

I’ve got 2 lovely children who are 6 and 3. I accidentally got pregnant in December last year but completely panicked and had a termination. I immediately regretted it.

I conceived again in May but had a miscarriage in July. We decided to try for one more cycle and then call it a day. I’ve just done a pregnancy test and it’s positive.

But instead of feeling joy Im absolutely terrified. What if I’m making a huge mistake and this ruins my children’s lives? Im
scared to even tell my DH. I don’t know what to think. Are these just my hormones? Has anyone else been in this situation?

Don’t underestimate the power of pregnancy hormones on your mind - it’s so hard but take a big breath and take your time. You’ll have thought this over when deciding to try & I’m sure number 3 will just be someone else for your children to love and be loved by

Thank you @Poster57 - I feel so stupid. For some reason I’m now terrified the baby will have additional needs due to my age (37) and that will impact on my children’s quality of life.

When I was ttc I only focused on the positives but now I can only think of negatives.

It’s quite normal to have mixed feelings. It’s mum guilt, but you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your children will love having another sibling.

@Bewildened i understand that feeling more than you could imagine. Peri natal anxiety is so so real when those hormones are ramping up. The anxiety can have your mind spinning negatives thinking there’s a threat when there isn’t one there.

Oh and I’m also 37 and pregnant so I’ve had all those thoughts too but really… women have perfectly healthy children at much later ages than us.

I sent you a wee DM hope that’s ok :)

It's normal to feel this way and it seems quite common on here with third pregnancies especially. I'm currently pregnant with my third (28 weeks tomorrow) and had a really rough first trimester emotionally. It wasn't that I didn't want any to keep the baby as such, but more sheer panic of what our lives would look like, this is the first baby in my 30's so what if something is wrong with it (irrational I know), have I ruined my career, our house isn't big enough etc. it's all completely normal fears but I completely spiralled.
I would say I started to feel a bit better after the 12 week scan but even now I'm still scared and have my moments, despite looking forward to meeting her and becoming a family of 5.

Thank you. It’s reassuring to hear from others. I haven’t even told DH yet as I want to get my own feelings about it straight. I keep flip flopping back and forth from thinking we can do this, I wanted another child, my kids will love it - to worrying about my career (I’m the breadwinner).

We can definitely afford it right now, our house is big enough, I’ve got savings. But if I lost my job it would be a disaster and not guaranteed that I’d get another that paid as well.

When I had one child the decision to have another was simple - siblings are amazing. But my kids already have each other and are close. I’m just rambling really. I'd love to hear other people's stories, positive and negative.

Bumping this. I’ve been awake since 5am going round and round in my head about this.

I do want another baby, but I am worried about the practical things like how I will cope working full time with 3 kids and whether that’s unfair on the 2 I have to split my time further.

I still haven’t told DH.

I can't speak from the perspective of having 3 children but I just wanted to share that I had a very similar reaction to you when I found out I was pregnant with my DD. She wasn't actively planned but I really did want children. Despite this I didn't have the jumping for joy reaction to finding out I was pregnant. I just worried about how it would work out, whether I could do it, whether I would cope on maternity leave and everything else that was about to change. I remember googling whether it was a normal reaction. I kept thinking about how life would never ever be the same. I was 40 at the time and worried about that too. Despite that I knew I was very lucky to conceive and I knew it's what I really wanted and so I just sat with the feelings. Everything changed for me at that first scan and I just felt utter joy. Having my DD is the best thing that ever happened to me and although I wished I hadn't had all those feelings to begin with and all the worry I think they are or can be quite normal. It is such a life altering event finding out you're pregnant and it's bound to bring you anxiety and make you question. If anything that's a good sign because it shows you're being sensible and pragmatic. It sounds like you very much wanted this baby and you're just having a wobble with it becoming a reality. I think you're going to be fine.

Oh I should mention that my DP has two other children and he was freaking out about having 3 and the impact on their lives. He needn't have worried because his boys adore their sister, especially the younger of the two and just the other day DSS said that he always wanted a younger sibling and his life has improved so much since she came along (he's 9!). So it's not necessarily a case that another child will have a negative impact on your children. Good luck OP

I told DH last night and he was shocked and quite subdued…basically the same reaction as me.

I don’t know why we are both feeling this way when we planned this baby, though the whole thing feels like a total rollercoaster.
Im just all over the place tbh with thoughts ranging from stuff like how to juggle the kids activities to what if the baby is disabled to what if it is twins and why did I not think all this through beforehand?

Except I did think it through, which is why we terminated the pregnancy earlier this year, but then I felt so devastated about it. I am a grown woman wtf is wrong with me?!

I think these things have a tendency to work out and everything will be fine. As time goes on the news will sink in more and you won't have a million and one things spinning around in your head. One day at a time. It is still very early days as well so there's that to remember too

It’s normal to feel shocked and anxious. It can also feel extreme and pregnancy can almost feel claustrophobic at times. From what I read I think that these things can also be more common with a 3rd child for whatever reason. If your mind is going to give you all the negative what ifs then make sure that you intentionally try and think of the positive what ifs as well. What if everything is amazing? What if your kids make the best team and you couldn’t imagine life without all 3, what if this is what makes you all feel complete and able to live your best life. Your mind has the awful power of being able to cut off what you felt in your heart prior to falling pregnant and all the capabilities you have in your hands to manage this. I'm so glad you’ve told your husband - it will take him some time to come round as well.

Hey @Bewildened how are you getting on?

Hi @Poster57 thank you so much for checking in. I’m feeling better now but I think partly because I’ve decided to go for an early scan and I’m hoping that will reveal what I really feel if that makes sense?

When I had a Mc in July it was already behind at the 6 week scan (measuring 5, though it later developed a heartbeat) and I was so upset.

DH is unnerving me though - he’s been really off and I think is freaking out a lot. I can’t blame him because I feel it too but I wish he wasn’t ☹️

@Bewildened im so glad you’re doing a bit better. I get it; with my current very much planned pregnancy I was so scared going for an early scan that I somehow might not be happy. Seeing that wee heartbeat on the screen though and I couldn’t help but smile.

It’s hard when your husband is feeling wobbly about it. It’s so hard not to absorb that yourself. I know in the past I’ve felt resentful in retrospect realising that some anxieties I’ve held haven’t actually been my own and have in fact been my husbands. I think recognising that is half the battle though :)

Let us know how your scan goes if you’re wanting to. I’ve found a surprising amount of comfort from the Mumsnet community over the last year.

@Poster57 thank you for your kind words. I’ve been lurching between feeling positive about the pregnancy and feeling it is a terrible mistake.

My main concern is the impact on my kids - my dc1 is very needy and always wants more of me. My Dc2 is much more independent and compliant but I feel she might end up being overlooked and a classic middle child. I think they would love the novelty value of a sibling but then they’d have nothing in common for most of childhood. DC1 would be just 7 and DC2 4.5 which just seems like a massive gap.

@Bewildened I’ve had similar thoughts myself and I think that my first 2 were so close together (22 months) that any bigger gap seems absolutely massive. My littles will be 3 and nearly 5 and even that seems huge to me. Which sounds a bit mad if I were to say it absolutely anywhere else. Pretty much my anxieties have centred around ‘what if I ruin my kid’s lives’ but I genuinely love a 3rd will enrich their lives. It’s someone else to love and be loved by, it’s someone else to be there when they grow up as well.

maybe this is what makes you feel whole again after what you’ve been through. It took me a long time to realise that my kids need me whole too. The impact of that on them Is greater than anything.

I’ve spoken to other women who’ve been here and it’s all worked out. They are living a happy life now and so glad that they rode that wave. That gives me faith that it will all be ok :)