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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Abortion or Keep?!

23 replies

Anonymous68 · 30/09/2024 11:06

So I recently found out that I'm 5 weeks pregnant at first I was really happy and a little shocked. I wasn't sure if I could get pregnant as I thought I had endometriosis due to how painful my periods are and other things. So I always said to my boyfriend that if I did fall pregnant I would be happy and keep it. We use natural cycles for contraception but one day we didn't use protection on a 'red' day (he knew this haha) and here we are.

But when I told him he wasn't as happy about it as I was. He has 2 kids (8 & 11) with his ex and he's a bit in limbo with his job at the moment, mentally struggling as he can't decide if he wants to change his job or move back home across the country to where his family is (it's cheaper to buy a house too) but then he'd be moving away from his kids that he's super close to.

If I have this baby we'd have to move into a bigger house and that would probably force his hand in moving away from his kids as it's so expensive where we are now and put more pressure on him with his job. He says theres pros and cons but it's ultimately up to me.

My paren't also told me a few weeks ago that they don't want to be grandparents anytime soon. So I feel nervous about telling them.

So I feel torn. I have a good job (48K) and decent savings. We've been together and I've been part time step mum to his kids for 5 years which I love. The thought of abortion makes me feel upset, but at the same time hospitals and blood tests give me panic attacks and I pass out all the time so that's terrifying too....

Any insights or thoughts would be helpful as I don't really have anyone that I feel I can talk to about it and it doesn't even feel real!

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 30/09/2024 11:17

If you do keep the baby, I’d advise you not to move anywhere with him. You need your family around you, plus, if you two split up you may find it difficult to move back home.

BeLemonQuoter · 30/09/2024 11:24

I think it is your decision, not your partner or deginitely not your parents. It sounds to me that you are more inclined to carry on the pregnancy and it sounds like that you only might have the means to provide for the baby. It sounds like that it is the most difficult decision to your partner, but hey he knew what he was risking by having fun on a red day, and there is time for him to react. Baby will only born in 8 months time and will likely sleep in your bedroom for 6 months, so there is time to find a working solution

MidnightPatrol · 30/09/2024 11:25

Used natural cycles but DTD on a red day…

… so actively not using contraception while at your most fertile.

Has it really come as much of a surprise to either of you that this eventually resulted in pregnancy?!

That aside - what’s your gut instinct? How unhappy about it is he - will he stay around (noting you’ve been together five years)? Would you plan to have a baby in future with him?

Having a baby (and particularly a first baby) is always going to be a scary thing - if you plan on staying together and think you’d like a child, now is as good a time as ever.

HowYouSpellingThat10 · 30/09/2024 11:38

How old are you?

If you were to have a miscarriage tomorrow would you feel sad?

How would you feel if this is your only chance at a child? Were you previously planning a child free life and happy with that?

When trying to make a decision I always find considering how I would feel if the choice were taken away useful for understanding my true feelings when all of the practical considerations are removed.

I think you have to decide based on whether you'd be happy to do it alone. Hopefully your partner will be involved but don't decide anything based on what he may or may not do.

Kosenrufugirl · 30/09/2024 11:42

I would definitely keep if you definitely want children in the future. There are no guarantees in life. There's absolutely no guarantee you will get pregnant in the future. You don't need a big house to raise a child. A 2-bed flat would do.

SnapdragonToadflax · 30/09/2024 11:53

How old are you, and do you actually live together now? Did you plan to move area together, or just him on his own? Is it somewhere you actually want to live? You sound very young, but 48k is a good salary so you can't be as young as you sound.

Were you planning to have kids with him 'one day', or were you happy child-free?

Realistically, it's unlikely he'll prioritise a seemingly fairly casual relationship and pregnancy over his existing children.

AW24 · 30/09/2024 11:56

If you have the baby, there will be blood, if you don't, there will be blood.
Your parents not wanting to be grand parents should have no bearing on whether you want to be a parent or not.
This decision is yours and yours only. If you want the baby, have it, you will get by.
If you have nothing else in life, you will always have your child.
People come and go.

FeedingThem · 30/09/2024 12:03

Why do you need to move? Even if you're in a one bed together, baby won't need their own room for minimum 14 months. That's over a year for him to get a job and settle, it's over a year to save for a deposit. Or is it that his kids sleep over in all the spare rooms so next size up is astronomical? Again, that's 14 months MINIMUM down the line.

What's good custody arrangement?

sel2223 · 30/09/2024 12:05

FeedingThem · 30/09/2024 12:03

Why do you need to move? Even if you're in a one bed together, baby won't need their own room for minimum 14 months. That's over a year for him to get a job and settle, it's over a year to save for a deposit. Or is it that his kids sleep over in all the spare rooms so next size up is astronomical? Again, that's 14 months MINIMUM down the line.

What's good custody arrangement?

Where does the 14 months come from? Isn't it 6 months minimum they can go in their own room?

Snowdrops17 · 30/09/2024 12:06

Stop listening to what everyone else wants and how dare your parents tell you they don't want to be grandparents it's not up to them ! Your DP knew the risk when you had sex ... please don't give into pressure from other people if you want this baby x

Crazyeight · 30/09/2024 12:08

sel2223 · 30/09/2024 12:05

Where does the 14 months come from? Isn't it 6 months minimum they can go in their own room?

Show quote history

Probably had shit sleepers like mine.

BeLemonQuoter · 30/09/2024 12:11

@sel2223 @Crazyeight 8 months that left from pregnancy + first 6 months = 14 months

sel2223 · 30/09/2024 12:12

It's a massive life changing decision that only you can make OP. Of course you want to do it with the support and understanding of your partner and parents etc but ultimately, it's your body and your final decision.

It sounds like there may be big changes if you keep the baby with moving house (and possibly areas? job? Etc) but none of that is insurmountable.
I moved with my 7 week old to another country at the end of 2020 and then we had another year before we saw any family or friends again due to lockdown and the country I moved to being on the 'red' list. We still live abroad now with neither family close by.

On the other hand, are your reasons for an abortion strong enough? I don't mean that to sound judgy, I mean are they enough for you yourself to be happy with your choice and not look back in years to come with extreme regret.
You don't know what health issues there may be in the future or if conception would happen so easily next time.
Would you be OK with that, knowing you made the right decision at this time?

Neither decision will be an easy one for wildly different reasons and only you know what is the best outcome for you.
Good luck.

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 30/09/2024 12:23

Take everyone else out of the equation. If you go ahead and are doing this as a single parent, are you happy? He is already considering moving far away from his existing children, so don't assume he will stick around for yours.

if you stay together, you wouldn't need a bigger place for a long time, you can squish a small one in your room and potentially have kids sharing. Him moving away from his kids because a new replacement comes along is not going to make for good relationships.

sel2223 · 30/09/2024 12:27

BeLemonQuoter · 30/09/2024 12:11

@sel2223 @Crazyeight 8 months that left from pregnancy + first 6 months = 14 months

Sorry.....baby brain! Yes that makes complete sense now 🤣

Original poster
Anonymous68 · 30/09/2024 13:48

Thank you for all your help 💖. Lots of things to think about.

You're right, if I couldn't get pregnant again I would regret it.

To answer your questions:

I'm 27 I'd say I'm quite settled I run my own business and feel like I have my life together. But my mum had me at 27 and told me she felt too young.

We've lived together for 4 years in a 2 bed house and have a dog together. We could have a baby in our room for a while yes, but the other bedroom is for his 2 kids when they stay on weekend.

When I say moving across the country, we're in the uk so it's 4 hours away so he would still see his kids just not as often. We've spoken about moving there since we got together.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 30/09/2024 13:56

This is a man who would consider moving away from his children. He is not a good candidate for the father of your child.

if you proceed, you need to consider that you will have to deal with him for the next 18 years whether your relationship survives or not.

Kosenrufugirl · 30/09/2024 14:30

Anonymous68 · 30/09/2024 13:48

Thank you for all your help 💖. Lots of things to think about.

You're right, if I couldn't get pregnant again I would regret it.

To answer your questions:

I'm 27 I'd say I'm quite settled I run my own business and feel like I have my life together. But my mum had me at 27 and told me she felt too young.

We've lived together for 4 years in a 2 bed house and have a dog together. We could have a baby in our room for a while yes, but the other bedroom is for his 2 kids when they stay on weekend.

When I say moving across the country, we're in the uk so it's 4 hours away so he would still see his kids just not as often. We've spoken about moving there since we got together.

A friend of mine split at 27 with a boyfriend of 7 years because he didn't want children. She is an attractive professional woman. She is 38, still single and childless, spent the last 11 years looking for a partner to have a child with. Life doesn't always present you with neat options and nothingis guaranteed. Based on your post you are in a good position to have a child whether this relationship survives or not. I am old enough to suggest you hold onto what you have (your unexpected pregnancy) than wait for a perfect opportunity which might or might not materialise for reasons beyond your control. As a midwife I would also say at 27 you are more likely to have an uncomplicated pregnancy and straightforward delivery. Even if as I say there are no certainties or guarantees in life

Happiestwhen · 30/09/2024 15:28

I think if you don't go ahead with the pregnancy you may regret it in the future. You are in a good position financially and imagine if it didn't happen for you down the line. This may be your chance at motherhood.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/09/2024 15:32

Ponderingwindow · 30/09/2024 13:56

This is a man who would consider moving away from his children. He is not a good candidate for the father of your child.

if you proceed, you need to consider that you will have to deal with him for the next 18 years whether your relationship survives or not.

My thoughts exactly. How could a decent man even consider moving away from his DC?

Foxblue · 30/09/2024 15:39

Ponderingwindow · 30/09/2024 13:56

This is a man who would consider moving away from his children. He is not a good candidate for the father of your child.

if you proceed, you need to consider that you will have to deal with him for the next 18 years whether your relationship survives or not.

This. How could he possible be even considering this, I don't understand.

whathaveiforgotten · 30/09/2024 16:54

Ponderingwindow · 30/09/2024 13:56

This is a man who would consider moving away from his children. He is not a good candidate for the father of your child.

if you proceed, you need to consider that you will have to deal with him for the next 18 years whether your relationship survives or not.

Absolutely this. God a man considering this would be so off-putting to me.

PepaWepa · 01/10/2024 21:07

Anonymous68 · 30/09/2024 13:48

Thank you for all your help 💖. Lots of things to think about.

You're right, if I couldn't get pregnant again I would regret it.

To answer your questions:

I'm 27 I'd say I'm quite settled I run my own business and feel like I have my life together. But my mum had me at 27 and told me she felt too young.

We've lived together for 4 years in a 2 bed house and have a dog together. We could have a baby in our room for a while yes, but the other bedroom is for his 2 kids when they stay on weekend.

When I say moving across the country, we're in the uk so it's 4 hours away so he would still see his kids just not as often. We've spoken about moving there since we got together.

I had my first at 27 and felt that was a very respectable age.

If you want the baby, have the baby.

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