Gender disappointment or something else

[Northview8]

I have 1 young daughter. I live quite an isolated life. Me and my husband moved to another city before I gave birth and I know no one here. I don't drive, and see friends in other cities seldomly. I am largly estranged from family. I've tried to communicate these things with my husband but nothing has changed. I planned a 2nd pregancy because I didn't want my daughter to suffer my isolation, and wanted her always to have someone to play with and a companion similar in age.

I had secretly hoped that the 2nd child would also be a girl, but I found out that I am expecting a boy. I feel bereft more than I ever imagined possible on hearing this news and don't understand why. I had boys names picked out, and was not upset at the idea of having a son before. My reaction has taken me by suprise and I cannot speak to anyone about it.

I've been thinking about the reasons why I might feel this way- my father was abusive and a huge misogynist, my brothers are quite hopeless - they do not take care of my elderly mother and are very selfish. My husband while I love and respect him, can be miserly and short tempered. I've struggled bringing up my step son who is polite and tries to be helpful but is also dirty, not studious, and lazy. I have no male uncles I really respect, they are all selfish and hopeless, my grandfather was the same.

I'm having strange thoughts that suprise me- like how I'll always favour my daughter over this child, how I won't feel guilty if I do not breastfeed him (I struggled tremendously breastfeeding my daughter and did everything I could to continue giving her some of my milk for as long as I could). I'm also worried I'll have less influence over his upbringing, that my husband will be a greater influence, and that my son will turn out like my step son.

I'm so distraught, not at the fact that I'm having a boy (I'm slowly accepting this), but that I'm having these thoughts.

I'd be grateful to hear any advice or similar experiences.

Hi Op,

I was brought up by my Mum and spent a lot of time with my Nan and 5 aunts. My dad who I no longer see was an alcoholic and not a nice man who quickly made me realise when I was a girl he didn’t particularly want me in his life…hence all my positive influences have been women.

i had my first baby 8 months ago and had a boy. I wasn’t disappointed as I genuinely did not mind what I had but of course all these thoughts about how to be a ‘boy mom’ cross your mind. However I think you need to remember that there are many many great boys and men out there. In my job I work with teenagers who get a bad rep but nearly everyday I will speak to a boy and think aww I hope my son turns out like you. Honestly your own personal experiences will of course shape how you feel but I am loving being a boy mom (although the clothes are rubbish 😂) x

Hi OP

First of all, congratulations on your second pregnancy.

Pregnancy hormones are wild and thoughts and feelings can be all over the place, you are not alone in that at all. It sounds like this might just be a lot of different issues (which you've probably been burying for some time) which have all come to a head at once. I don't think it's particularly about your unborn son, you sound like a great mum and I'm sure you will shower your little boy with love when he is here.

The moving away and isolation, the lack of support, thoughts about your upbringing and family members, your step son - all of it is coming out at once, it must feel very overwhelming.

Is there someone you trust who you could talk to? Maybe even a referral through your midwife just to chat to someone.

I am in a similar boat in that I moved to a different country after DD1 was born and we have no local support from either family. I don't have many friends here and certainly no-one I could confide in.

When I fell pregnant for a second time, I was secretly hoping it would be a boy as I always imagined having one of each and being the 'perfect' 2.4 family' (I'm very aware how ridiculous that is). There was a fleeting moment of disappointment when I found out it was another girl but then I focused on the positives of having two the same sex and, ultimately, it became more about my baby being healthy and growing as she should be. That brief feeling of disappointment thankfully didn't return.

It's quite normal to have a deep down secret preference and it's OK to feel a little disappointed despite what MN users might say. It's not normal if it starts consuming your thoughts, spoiling your pregnancy and you think there could be some deeper rooted issues coming to the surface. If you feel that is happening here then remember there is no shame in asking for help and talking to someone professionally. It's actually really commendable.

Good luck.

You sound as if you would benefit from therapy, not because you're disappointed you are having a boy, because you sound depressed and isolated. You say you've 'tried to communicate these things' with your husband but 'nothing has changed' -- what things do you mean? Your isolation, estrangement from your family, not driving, bringing up a stepson you aren't crazy about? Dealing with a husband you describe as 'miserly and short-tempered'? Your life sounds like it has very little that is enjoyable and nourishing in it.

The single most important thing you can do to prevent your children being as isolated as you currently are is not having another child but modelling good friendships, and relationships in general. If your children think it's normal to have a mother who seems to have no contact with other people and a 'miserly, short-tempered father' she can't communicate with, that will be their normal.

Suppose you spend your pregnancy doing therapy to try to sort out your feelings and beliefs about yourself, and why you find yourself in such a joyless, isolated position?

Hi OP

I also wanted a second DD but had a boy but the bond my two have is incredible.

They are super close, always play together, when they've been apart and see each other they run and hug each other and my DD says she doesn't want a sister just her brother. I hope you have the same experience.

Whilst they're still young my best friend has a brother who she is super close too, they holiday together etc and I hope my two will grow up the same

Thank you so much for your well considered and thoughtful responses. I do have a private therapist but cannot afford to see her regularly. I agree there's a lot I need to unpack. Just not in a good place at the moment.

Thank you again.