I'm getting a child and my sister lost hers.

[ThisSparklyBee]

So I'm 6 months pregnant and it's a girl but last year we lost my niece my sisters daughter to cancer she was 14 years old.
I miss her so much ,all the family does but obviously her parents my sister is inconsolable.
So I found out I was pregnant not with dad (that's another story) But I'm doing this on my own.
After all the pain and grief the family went through my pregnancy has been very much a positive however for my sister it has not.
We have always been really close but since finding out I was pregnant she has been really hurtful saying nasty things to me and about me to my parents.
She said I'm selfish and I should of waited a few years as she just cant except that I am getting a baby girl and she has lost hers.it was not a planned pregnancy either and tbh I'm 36 and will not be having any more.
I've tried everything to support her but she dosent want to know me. Last week I took her a few little pick me up gifts round to her home and she literally screamed at me and told me to get out of her house.
This is having a huge effect on my mental health and I feel like I just have to except the pain she causing me cause she's grieving and I know it's coming from a place of pain. However it still hurts to not have her want to be involved. My niece would of loved the fact I was pregnant and I'm grieving for her loss too.
I just feel in a really dark place and I was so happy to be a mum again but my sisters reaction to it is really tarnishing the experience and I don't know what to do.

Firstly I’m so sorry for your loss

It’s very recent so the pain will be very raw for everyone but your sister will be going through absolute hell. I think all you can do is give her the space she needs and try your best to ignore anything that seems unkind ? She will be hurting so much and whilst that is no excuse to be horrible it may be a kneejerk reaction and she may not be fully in control of what she says/does. Give her space 💕

I'm sorry about your niece.

I think you need to step back and give her space.
She probably doesn't realise what she's doing/saying tbh through the grief.

Congrats on your pregnancy.

None of this is personal but you can't make this ok for her and unfortunately her reactions are beyond her control.

I would back off for now while she processes the news and ask your parents firmly to stop repeating the things she says. She was clearly venting to them for support. And they should not have told you. Of course she didn't mean you shouldn't have the baby but she will go through all sorts of feelings towards you and 'selfish' is a really understandable one (even if not fair on you).

I think you were overly optimistic in hoping this would be uplifting news for her and your kind gifts would be received with joy. She's your sister, she loves you and wants the best for the baby but this is more than she can work through at once.

Unfortunately you aren't the one to help her through at the moment. Give her time. Stop sending presents. It's not helping at the minute.

You could maybe try a message to say something like 'i love you very much. I will let you process this as I understand it must be a big shock. Here for you anytime at all'. Not the best wording but you get the picture.

Don't pick over the details of what she says whilst venting. Her grief is still raw. You're allowed to feel both excited and happy about your baby and mourn your dear niece.

It's just much harder for your sis to balance the two at the minute. Good luck xxx

This is so difficult. I think the only thing you can do is give her lots of space. You haven't done anything wrong and it's not your fault, but I can only imagine the agony your sister is feeling. She probably feels immense anger at the unfairness of what happened to her daughter and sadly she's directing it at you because that gives it some kind of outlet. There is no reasoning with raw grief and so I think you need to just prioritise your own mental health and create some space between you. Lean on your friends and any supportive family members to get you through things.

Hopefully with time, she may come to realise that having a loving bond with you and your child is a better alternative to losing you on top of her beloved daughter.

Sorry for your loss.

I think give her time and space. Let her know that you are stepping back as you understand that you being there is upsetting her but let her know that you are there for her when she needs you. Don’t end things badly and don’t get to the stage where you retaliate as your relationship may not recover.

It must be incredibly hard for all of you.

I forgot to say, congratulations on your pregnancy.

I'm so sorry for your and your family's loss.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Try not to feel guilty, you have truly done nothing wrong, but your sister is going through every parent's worst nightmare. Welcoming a new baby to the family this soon is just going to be too much for her right now, and she's not the person to expect to be able to spend time with and celebrate with through this even if she would have been prior to losing her daughter.

I can't imagine how painful it is but you must take a step back. Let her know she's loved, and you're there for her, but she needs space right now and especially space from babies. And you need space to have a happy and joyful pregnancy for yourself without stressing about your sister's hurt. Neither of you can be there for the other at this exact moment.

I'm sorry for the loss of your niece it must be raw and your sister will be grieving hence the being screamed at and her not wanting to be near anything to do with babies. I can't add to the already good advice but wanted to wish you congratulations on your baby girl. I hope things get a bit easier with time.

I'm sorry, that sounds so hard for everyone.

However, you have a right to create your own bubble and be happy. You can't make her accept it, so just give her some space and time. Don't approach her unless she wants you to.

I think the best thing would be to let her know that you love her and that you understand she needs some space. It must be so incredibly hard for you all but you are allowed to be happy and excited about your baby.

Congratulations on your baby!! Very exciting!!

I'm very sorry about your niece. It's beyond description how awful it is when a child dies. So unfair.

I understand how grief stricken your sister is, i understand how much she wants her daughter back & even how angry she is at the world. I can understand her not being able to participate in the 'excitement' but I cannot understand her being horrible to you & saying nasty things about you.

i think you just need to talk to your parents (are they believing or agreeing with the things your sister is saying??) that it's better they don't tell you what she's saying because you'd like to close to her again, in time, but you can't unhear what they're telling you, so it's not helpful.

Give her space, let her come to you when she's ready.

in the meantime surround yourself with family/friends who can be happy & positive about your pregnancy.

its all you can do really, you can't force her to be/di/feel anything she's not ready for.

It sounds like such a painful situation but you cannot fix this. The kindest thing you can do is give her the space she is asking for x

Loss of a child can be so unbearable doe some it poisons their heart and makes them hate the world and everyone in it.

For others it brings a a deep yearning to be surrounded by love once more and the birth of a new baby offers them light amongst the darkness and they appreciate all the more how precious life is and a new beginning in the family is welcomed.

Sadly, your sister is angry at the world. That anger may never subside but you must focus on the life of your unborn child and embrace the joy that a new baby brings.

Your sister will never be the same and you have to step away from her and hope that one day she will be happy for you.

Thankyou all so much for your kind words of comfort. I am going to give her space. It's still so raw for the whole family and I need to concentrate on my own wellbeing and that of my unborn child. Hopefully in time she'll come round. Thankyou all again.

It sounds like your sister is understandably just overwhelmed by her grief at the moment. I am grieving the loss of my dad, my best friend and my sister in law who all lost their lives in the last year, and some days it's just tough every minute. I would think loosing your child would be infinitely worse. Sadly I think you've just got to accept that right now your sister is in a place where she can't cope with you having a baby when her daughter has gone. Give her space.

I'm really sorry about your niece
How you sister is treating you is not ok and you need boundaries and to protect your own wellbeing and space now

Ps it's not normal for someone
Grief stricken to behave like she is - something tells me youve been her emotional punch bag before