Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Will he change his mind and want involvment?

21 replies

ThisSparklyBee · 15/09/2024 18:31

I am pregnant and the father wants nothing to do with the baby. He is 35 no other children he just apologised and said he can't be a dad.
This is a man who ive been really good friends with for years and we have been sleeping with each other on and off for years.
He had said whilst sleeping with me he was not with anyone . However when i got pregnant and I told him I was keeping it he asked me not to tell anyone he was the dad cause he had actually been seeing somone.
Besides this he is a good man and I think he would make a great dad. I dont want to be in any kind of romantic relationship withh him because of the obvious he lìes, but would of loved to of been able to co parent with him. Has anyone else ever been in a situation where the man has changed his mind about being involved in their child's life?

OP posts:
Mollycuddled · 15/09/2024 18:48

He's not a good man OP. He has lied, asked you to lie, cheated on his girlfriend, and refused to accept responsibility for an innocent child. Just in your short post.

Regardless of the above, he may change his mind and decide to be involved, but you just can't tell. So make the decision for you, and you alone. Forget him for the moment. If, when the baby is born, he still doesn't want to be involved he will still have to pay maintenance, so financially consider that if finances are tight for you.

Illegally18 · 15/09/2024 18:57

Mollycuddled · 15/09/2024 18:48

He's not a good man OP. He has lied, asked you to lie, cheated on his girlfriend, and refused to accept responsibility for an innocent child. Just in your short post.

Regardless of the above, he may change his mind and decide to be involved, but you just can't tell. So make the decision for you, and you alone. Forget him for the moment. If, when the baby is born, he still doesn't want to be involved he will still have to pay maintenance, so financially consider that if finances are tight for you.

I agree. It doesn't sound good, plus you just can't count on it, even if it has worked out for someone else.

User79853257976 · 15/09/2024 19:07

Don’t put his name on the birth certificate. You don’t have to put a Dad.

DeCaray · 15/09/2024 19:09

You willingly went along with someone who treated you as a 'fuck buddy'' and who couldn't give a damn about your welfare or your unborn child.

No he won't change his mind.

He's a user.

AnOldCynic · 15/09/2024 19:12

Did you want to get pregnant? Did you discuss with him what would happen if you did get pregnant?

SpanielPaws · 15/09/2024 19:17

He's everything but a good friend/person, OP. Take off those rose tinted glasses. He wanted sex with no strings and until now you gave that. Now you've moved the goalposts and he doesn't want to know.

Please don't inflict this onto a child.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2024 19:18

Tell anyone you like for starters.

But no, don’t expect him to change, he’s happy as he is. You presumably wanted a baby so hopefully you’ll be happy now you’re getting one.

Claim child support once the baby’s here and obviously only use your surname. I’d let go of him, it was a casual thing and now it’s over. You can’t make anyone be an involved parent and you’ll drive yourself mad trying - often seen on here.

Clumsy12345 · 15/09/2024 19:20

don’t keep an unplanned baby in the hope that the father will “come round” keep it because you want to and are fully prepared to go it solo as a lone parent. many men do not come round to the idea if they did their wouldn’t be so many absent fathers.

CeruleanDive · 15/09/2024 19:25

He is not a good man, and shows zero signs of becoming a great dad. Don't fool yourself.

MillyMollyMandHey · 15/09/2024 19:31

He's not likely to change his mind; assume he won't.

Original poster
ThisSparklyBee · 15/09/2024 21:55

So it was not a planned pregnancy. I was on the pill but not taking it as regular as i should. I've got a good job and good support so I made the decision that i was keeping my child with or without him. I've just read so many articles saying children who have absent fathers grow up with detachment/mental health problems. Just scared I've done my child a dis justice . Question is do I remove him of all social media so he no longer has any access to pictures or anything regarding my child? His mum knows and he said that she wants involvment but he dosent want her too because she wont respect his wishes of not wanting any involvement. So I was disappointed that my child my miss out on a potential grandparent but that has yo come from her if she wants to see her grandchild.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2024 22:00

It’s up to her if she wants to stay in touch, as long as that’s something you’re okay with. How well do you know her?

He thought you were on the pill and you weren’t if you didn’t take it following the instructions. You were pretty much trying to conceive and he wasn’t aware. You can see why he’s not thrilled. But as it was a casual thing he should have been using condoms as well - not least as he was shagging at least one other woman. Have you had an STD check up? Some can be risky in pregnancy.

Your life sounds stable, this chump aside, and it’s great you’ve got support. Best of luck with everything.

GrazingSheep · 15/09/2024 22:03

Another child born to another shit father.
Depressingly common story

Galdownunder · 15/09/2024 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Blue2020 · 15/09/2024 22:29

“ I've just read so many articles saying children who have absent fathers grow up with detachment/mental health problems”

My mum was really unlucky with men. My brothers and I were raised by her alone. My father had nothing to do with me. I did have an amazing grandfather (and grandmother) and godfather who were good role models though. However ultimately I was raised by a single parent. I don’t have any detachment problems. My dh was also raised only by his mum too. I did have occasions growing up of feeling like I was missing out by not having one but it was only 4-5 fleeting moments as a teenager. That’s the sum total. Dh is now in contact with his dad as an adult. They talk and meet up a few times a year.

Good luck with your future. If you want this baby then have them and focus on yourself to be their mum. The father may want to come back in to their life when they are born/older and then that’s your decision to make. I suppose it wasn’t a relationship and if he thought you were on contraception then it’s a huge change of events he needs to process.

Original poster
ThisSparklyBee · 16/09/2024 18:22

Thankyou I was so worried my child may miss out and have issues because of an absent father. However I have some really good male role models around. Uncles ,grandad . Thankyou for your post you've put my mind at rest .

OP posts:
Poppalina37 · 17/09/2024 22:07

I have a ten month old baby, we separated because I didn't go through with a termination. He refused to communicate with me as he really didn't want another child. I made the decision to keep her and be 💯 financially responsible for her. However, when she was 3 months old he came back demanding 50-50 custody... this has gone down like a cup of cold sick - I have a very large family- I'm one of 9.... raised in Ireland born to catholic parents. So termination wasn't an option for me, but also being abandoned by my babies father was massively frowned upon within the dynamics of my family.
We have managed to reach a contact arrangement but he's not happy with it... I'm still in limbo as to what the future holds.... I know my life isn't with him though.... I'm just concentrating on being the best mother to my little one.... she's an absolute dream x I guess the current issues will resolve themselves xx just make the decision for you x Good luck x

CeruleanDive · 18/09/2024 11:02

ThisSparklyBee · 16/09/2024 18:22

Thankyou I was so worried my child may miss out and have issues because of an absent father. However I have some really good male role models around. Uncles ,grandad . Thankyou for your post you've put my mind at rest .

What could be damaging to a child however is if he remains an unattainable, background figure in your child's life. Possibly by the grandmother having involvement, possibly by you retaining a 'secret' hope that he will show up one day in your child's life. That wouldn't be healthy at all.

Original poster
ThisSparklyBee · 18/09/2024 15:17

Yes I never thought of that . Do you think it's best that his mum is not involved? I'm not even sure weather his mum wants involvement. I was just going to cross that bridge when I came to it.

OP posts:
CeruleanDive · 18/09/2024 18:42

ThisSparklyBee · 18/09/2024 15:17

Yes I never thought of that . Do you think it's best that his mum is not involved? I'm not even sure weather his mum wants involvement. I was just going to cross that bridge when I came to it.

Obviously it's lovely for a child to have a loving grandparent involved, but it will surely raise questions about where he is?Especially if he lives locally. Granny is bound to mention him etc.

Plus a lot depends on your approach to the whole thing. If you're very clear in your own head by the time your DC is aware of not having a dad involved, it will be different to if you are still holding out hope, however much you think you keep it hidden.

Perhaps start a thread asking about GP involvement with absent dads?

CeruleanDive · 18/09/2024 18:44

I mean this sounds messy:

His mum knows and he said that she wants involvment but he dosent want her too because she wont respect his wishes of not wanting any involvement.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread