34 weeks and struggling - not getting the point

[LampLamp]

I’m sure this is going to come out as a huge ramble but I’m massively struggling.

I am 34+2 and it took us over 17 years of marriage to get here after many, many losses.
But I feel numb to everything, I don’t see the point.

I’ve talked today about just up and leaving the baby to my husband after she is born because everything sounds like absolute misery once the baby is here.

I had a horrible childhood (extremely abusive both physically and emotionally) in different ways from both of my parents and I’ve no idea how to be nice - I can’t even accept kindness from my husband and friends despite decades of therapy. So if I can’t accept niceness/kindness how can I model it?

From midwives, consultants, NCT, online, friends every single part of having a baby sounds like abject misery. I have yet to hear one single positive or benefit of having a baby, not one.

We got our pram and car seat yesterday and since then I’ve checked out and really don’t want any part in it. I was doing well until recently despite a very difficult pregnancy health wise but now I just want the baby out (at an appropriate time) and to walk away.

I know people will say to contact peri natal mental health and I’m already under them for anxiety which is now well controlled. But this feels so different, I haven’t seen one single positive and everyone lays it on thick about awful it is going to be (which I get, they would be irresponsible not to) and I think it’s a reasonable response to want out. I’ve already lived the most miserable of existences, I’ve now realised I don’t want to add to it.
My husband is a good man and would do an excellent job.

Sorry to hear your are struggling. It’s not awful at all. People tell you to watch out for the toddler years… my son is a toddler and the most delightful thing about my day. He is funny and clever and entertaining. Just as an example. Yes there are difficult bits about parenting, but it is so deeply a net positive on my life. I recommend having children to everyone I know who is considering it. Do you like being married? If you only took the internet and chatting with other women as a barometer you would never want to look at man, let alone marry one. People bond over shared tough experiences and also with parenting don’t want to seem like they are bragging. I certainly don’t go into work talking about how bloody great I think my son is because that would be insufferable.

I would also share how you’re feeling to your mental health team so you can get the right support.

Oh OP I’m so sorry you feel like this, please do tell your midwife and access the support available.

If it may make you feel better, my baby is 5 months old now and I absolutely love it, I love being a mum, I’ve genuinely never been happier in my life than since she was born. YES being a parent is hard work and you’re tired, but it’s also the best job in the world. There are so many good things- holding your baby while they sleep, being the one who knows exactly what they want and how to settle them, watching them start to become aware of their surroundings, watching them and helping them to meet new milestones (grabbing things, reaching their arms out to you, smiling and laughing at you, rolling over, learning to sit). Staring at a little person who is half you and half the person you love, seeing your husband grow into his new role as daddy is just amazing.

You meet two new people the day you baby is born, of course you meet them, but you also meet a whole new version of yourself as well in motherhood. You find a strength and patience you never knew you possessed, you feel a love deeper and bigger than anything you can comprehend, you find a happiness you just can’t compare to anything else watching your tiny human smile at you, or laugh, or pull your hair.

Speak to your midwife and your husband about how you are feeling and be open to all and any help. You can do this, you will do this, you will be amazing. Ignore all of the negativity- yes it’s hard, yes it’s tiring, but wow it’s worth it. Good luck x

I’m sorry you’re struggling and please as pp said, reach out for support about this asap.

I remember my husband and I chatting about how x had said newborn time was the worst, then y had said crawling was, z had said the toddler years were and so on and so forth and we loved our baby as a newborn, crawler and toddler and our baby is a joy. It is ultimately how your baby is and how your husband and you are. People love to give unsolicited war stories (like wildly inappropriate ones) once you’re pregnant and it isn’t helpful one little bit in either emotional support or constructive guidance as it’s neither.

Talk with people and know that yes, you do have the option to leave after birth if you really want that but let yourself make that choice having accessed good mental health support and having met your baby.

Take care and good luck.

Sorry to hear you're feeling the way you do.

Unfortunately like anything in life, people talk about and focus on the bad experiences no matter what the topic is. Get diagnosed with cancer? You'll hear all the stories about John who died 2 weeks after. But not about John who got the all clear and lived another 40 years and died peacefully in his sleep at 90.

Before I had my first born, I was depressed and lost. I knew no real reason why I was 'here' ...when he was born it all made sense, he became my whole purpose and I've absolutely loved being a mum. I find so much joy watching him experience life and I relive it all through him. Whilst I was pregnant I had zero maternal instinct, had HG and really suffered the entire pregnancy.

There's also the fact when sharing the good experiences you feel like you're 'boasting' and get shamed for it. My baby would self soothe and go to sleep by himself, he didn't need to be attached to me, he slept through the night...but if you mention that you get the 'well lucky you' sarcastic comments, so people tend to hold back on the good things.

Do try and speak to the mental health team, and take care of yourself

It's not awful. It's hard, of course it is, and everything seems worse when you're sleep deprived, but it's also amazing and magical. My baby is 3.5 months and there are still times I wonder why on earth I've done this to myself, but they're in the minority. Please do continue to engage with any and all support on offer, and when you meet your baby I really hope it will bring more positive thoughts xx

I felt like you when pregnant. I think, for me, we had tried so long to have a baby and when it finally happened I just could not believe it and so completely separated myself from the baby and becoming a mother. At times I was excited but those times were brief and I just did not care. People around me getting excited irritated me - it was my baby not theirs and if I wasn't bothered, why were they banging on about it?

When DD was born I was similarly unfazed. The first photos of me holding her, I look totally unbothered. I didn't really want to hold her, although it bothered me when others did. She didn't like breastfeeding and I (irrationally) saw this as proof she hated me and I was clearly not meant to be her mum.

At about 6 months, something clicked. She was laughing, like proper roaring with laughter at something I'd done and it made me and her dad laugh and in that exact minute, it was like we were a family. It wasn't all perfect immediately, but god it was like a light had gone on and all of a sudden I was parenting rather than looking after a baby. I adored toddler stage, she was a wonderful little girl, then wonderful big girl. A bit of a knob as a younger teenager! But now she's 18 and she's absolutely the best thing I've ever done or could do and my heart bursts with love and pride for her. We love hanging out together and she's my favourite person in the whole world.

Apologies for the essay. People rarely say how shit it is to feel so low and I just wanted to say I get it. It gets better, hang in there.

I'm so sorry you feel like this after trying to have a baby for so long. It's true, I think having a baby is one of the hardest things you will ever do, it's totally all consuming and NOTHING can prepare you for it. But it's also the most amazing thing in the world. Being someone's mum is just the most amazing feeling in the world. The love you will experience is like nothing else.
I'd Def recommend taking antidepressants if you are prescribed them, they really helped me with the pnd. The unknown is very scary and it's absolutely fine to not be excited about it beforehand. I couldn't have cared less before I met my baby. Even after meeting him I really wasn't that fussed for quite a long time. Honestly in the first year I really didn't enjoy it at all. But now he is an awesome two year old who is hilarious and silly and great fun.

Thank you all so much for your perspective. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences.
It has helped me a lot.