TTC - How to deal with disappointment

[WeeJJ]

Hi,
Ive never posted before but my husband and I so desperately want to have a child to love.
We are on month 4 of TTC, I had extremely sensitive nipples which is very strange for me and had no signs of AF coming this time round until today, out of the blue I got cramps from hell and then the bleeding started, 4 days before I was due on.

Really disappointed as we thought this was going to be the one that stuck.

I understand people try for years and have no success and I recognise that 4 cycles really isn’t that long to have been trying but I am so disappointed. I struggle with depression and anxiety and can feel the low hitting me a lot harder this time.

What can I do to deal with the sadness? I don’t think I could do this for years and handle it well.

Its been a running joke in my family since I was a teenager that my mum is desperate to be a grandma and she and my other family members are always asking when a baby is going to come and since we have started trying I have been trying to joke about it being far in the future how I used to but it’s making me down now that it feels like yes, it really is going to be in the future or not at all.

I don’t want any of my family to know we are trying because I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up.

Any coping mechanisms welcomed and any TTC tips really appreciated.

Didn't want to read and run ...

Me and my husband were trying for a year and a half before we fell pregnant, I'm now 27 weeks. It's our first. Unfortunately, it can take time, even when you're doing everything you're "supposed" to do.

Ironically, the month we fell pregnant, I was really unwell with the cold from hell, we only had sex on the one day during my ovulation period and I had zero idea I was pregnant, (no symptoms). I spontaneously tested about a week before my period was due, no idea why as this wasn't what I'd normally do. But something subconsciously was telling me to that morning and lo and behold it was positive. I was gobsmacked and I for sure thought that month was a lost cause.

Are you tracking ovulation?? This can be a good place to start. Happy to offer advice with that if you aren't already.
Also, start taking your folic acid tablets daily.

As for family/friends asking, we had this also. We had been married for 2 years before we fell pregnant, together for 9. Everyone was asking constantly, we'd just answer, yeah it's in the near future and leave it at that.

I'm also a sufferer of anxiety and depression. I'm assuming you're receiving care for these things? If your still feeling down, I'd suggest getting in touch with your GP, it's a good idea to have these things under control before falling pregnant and with that comes a whole host of new worries, anxieties and hormonal changes. Mine was really well managed before we started trying and I have private counselling too to make sure it was well in check beforehand. Xxx

I know this isn't helpful but 4 months is really nothing in ttc terms.

It's a year if you are under 35 and 6 months if you are over 35 (although of course it can take longer when you are older you just have less time).

I wouldn't bother with ovulation sticks unless one of you has a low sex drive or your periods are irregular. Just hit the right 10 day window every other day. Then try and put it out of your mind. The cycles I got pregnant were weirdly the ones I was stressing about it least. Anecdotal I know but lots of people will say the same. Also my symptoms have been different each time so symptom spotting will drive you mad.

You just have to live your life normally in the interim. I tried to enjoy all the months I wasn't pregnant and the things I could do. I also enjoyed having lots of sex every month. Once you are pregnant you might feel like shit and have no sex drive.

You don't owe your family an explanation.

I found that having some nice things planned for the second half of my cycle each month helped with distracting me and stopping me from dwelling on the wait to see if this month was "the one". Try not to let it take over your life - 4 months isn't an unusually long time to be trying and it can be a long road (it might not be, and I hope for you that it doesn't take too much longer) so becoming obsessive over it isn't going to do you any good.

And as for family wanting to know when grandchildren are coming along - you know best how to deal with your family, but if it was mine they'd be told in no uncertain terms that it's none of their business and to shut up about it! Your responsibility in life isn't to deliver a baby for your family.