To stick at 2 or have 3?!

[Lm952434]

This is my first post here and it’s abit of a long one but!
I have 2 beautiful children, a boy and a girl! They are now 7&8! I’ve recently started working at a nursery, and I am due to start part time study with open uni in primary studies! I am still with my babies dad and we have been together for 10 years now! When we had our children, financially we were unstable, living at home and had no idea really what we were doing! This didn’t affect my parenting and right from the off I was obsessed with my baby! Having a second was just amazing too! We had a lot of struggles, we were young and hadn’t been together all that long when I conceived, and for the first 4 years it showed! We are now really strong, my partner has his own business and it’s ticking along nicely! We are by no means well off, but we don’t stuggle like we used to! My little boy is absolutely amazing, but we have a feeling there is a possibility he has ASD - I think he may have asparagus (in the family) so there’s my life story in a nut shell!

back in 2020 I had a miscarriage, and I have to admit I was relieved! I really didn’t want another then! But this last 6 months or so I’ve been feeling like I’m not past having babies, I spoke to my mum, and she’s completely against it. She says I’ve spent the whole of my 20s raising children, they’re expensive and she wants me to keep the freedom I now have now my children are older! While what she says I do partially agree with! It would be nice to get to 40 and be able to travel and do nice things with my other half that we didn’t get to do before we had children, but I also really do love being a mum, I think working at the nursery, surrounded by little babies all day has just made me realise how much I miss having a baby and I feel like I didn’t get to enjoy my babies being baby’s as much as I should have due to financial strains, little support and issues in my relationship at the time! I was also young and had them both close together, so I feel like my babies first 3-4 years were all a blur and a lot of stress! I’m older now and we are more stable as a family! But I’m stuck! I do want to be able to enjoy having older children and not being so tied with no time to just walk the dog, or nip up the shop while the kids are at school, or pop out for lunch with friends, having 9-3 free to work or enjoy my own time, I also worry about making children share a room and either of my current children rushing to move out when their older before they’re ready because they don’t have their own space! but I also feel like there’s a part of me that would love to have another one! I’m older now and I just feel like I would have so much more confidence in myself, I never attended baby group or play sessions because I was always so worried about being the young mum! I really do love being a mum! But would having 3 be to much? Am I being unrealistic and should I be happy with what I have, being lucky that I do have 1 of each?!

any input would be greatly recieved! Equally your own experience on having gone from 2 to 3?!

In your situation I'd stick with your 2, and enjoy your family as it is now, enjoy your studying and work. There's a difference between feeling like you want another baby, and it actually being a good idea.

Hi @Lm952434 ,
Im currently 20weeks pregnant with baby 3, our "children" are 18 and 16!
We had never ruled out having another but life just got really busy then last year my coil failed and we ended up pregnant. My husband was elated. It took me a couple weeks to come round to the idea mainly for the reasons you say, id spent the last few years of my teens and all my twenties raising kids and was just getting my life back and we were able to live a nice life with bigger holidays etc..
then I miscarried. I was so upset but it made me realise how much we wanted a baby and as i'm now mid/late 30s felt it was now or never... we conceived again quickly and here we go!
My only caveat is that it has not been an easy pregnancy so far with many a sick day and im lucky with my work and family are supportive, I still have days where I think OMG what am I doing but iv never heard someone say they regret having a 3rd... but plenty say they regret not.

I would be sticking at 2 if it were me, I certainly could not afford to finance 3 kids, it will be a real stretch if even my 2 both want to go to uni, and they will most likely be living at home past 18, perhaps past 21!

I think if you’re thinking about another now, as long as you partner wants another too, I’d say go for it! I’m currently pregnant with baby number 3 and I was in two minds for a while. But someone said to me, “you’ll never regret your children” and it’s totally true. You may regret never trying in the future however you won’t regret it if you have them here. Best of luck whatever you choose to do xx😊

Thank you for that! I’m glad it all worked out for you! Do you think it’s harder because you’re older? That is so very true! Even with all the struggles we faced at the start I never once regretted having my babies 💜 we don’t really holiday anyway! I have dogs which can’t be left for extended period’s so a dog sitter would be no good and they’re both dog reactive, so I can’t leave them for lovely holidays abroad and one is 2 so I’m technically stuck with him anyway for another 8-10 years! I did have horses but gave that up so that’s another less of a responsibility than I had when I had my children! I do feel it would be easier now, I have a career direction and a job I love, I could continue that in school hours and only have 1 child to pay for childcare for! I do have loads of reasons for yes! My main one for no is I can’t afford to move up to a 4 bed, so it’s working out if I could have a baby share, I feel if I had a boy, it wouldn’t be so bad! But I’d feel bad on my daughter if I had another girl! 🤦🏼‍♀️ my partner wants another, but it’s the children I already have that I have to think about too! I just don’t know at this point!

I do have a lot of family help, I’m not worried about things like this as such! My mum struggled our whole childhood with no help from my dad and she got my sister though Uni single handed! I’m not afraid of working hard and my partner works hard too! Plus with a large age gap, atleast I’d have a breather between for things like college and uni, plus my children have a nice savings pot building up for when they turn 18, all birthday, Christmas and Easter presents are small tokens and money from all relatives are put into savers for them instead plus we add in each month and for occasions too! So they should be well set for uni/driving/start towards a deposit or whatever they decide to do! I do worry that things are becoming increasingly expensive though and dread to think what a deposit on a house would be in 10+ years time! It’s definitely something to think about x

He is, I think we share the same pro/cons too! That’s so very true, they are a blessing for sure! Thank you xx

Only question I have is: are you wanting to relive your current children’s younger years to experience it without all the hardship and un stable / wanting hold your babies again and appreciate those younger years?

or do you want another child?

only reason I ask is lots of parents pine for those younger years once their children are older but they don’t actually want another baby. They want a Time Machine to go back and hold their baby again

I had a 3rd at 28 when I was financially secure & stable as oppose to the hardship I went through when I had my others at 19&21.

It's the best, I enjoyed every moment without worrying about anything.

I actually want another baby but I am enjoying getting my freedom back soon when she starts school.

Do you know what I hadn’t even thought about it like that! That’s something I really need to work out!

I do genuinely miss having a little one running about, mine are quite self sufficient now but obviously still come in for cuddles and enjoy games and things! I do feel like I want another one but what you’ve said had made me pause for though! Thanks!

Lovely to hear that it went well for you! I’m really pleased for you! It’s hard when you’re young, I thought everything would just work itself out and it did in the end but it took a few years! This is exactly what I think is making me want another just one that I can enjoy the extra things I could with my 2, although that does make me feel abit awful that my current children wouldn’t have experienced the same! Although they wouldn’t remember that now bless them! How did you feel about having the 3rd once they were here? Obviously with the age gap, was it dofficult in reality going back to buggy’s, bags and car seats?

If you want to go for it
Sounds like your a lovely mum who loves children with a lot of love to go around xx

@Lm952434

Going back to buggies and car seats was fine.

It's when my baby became mobile! Since she's been able to walk run it's been harder work than my younger two put together!!

But, we know it only lasts a short amount of time. I never put her in Nursery either so I could have done that to help out.

But I am so glad I have the experience without the financial strain or guilt that we can't do stuff / buy certain toys.

I feel sick at the amount of plastic I buy this child.

One thing I won't do is class Birthday parties - I couldn't afford to do this for my younger two until they were 10 so I won't be doing it for this one.

That's the only thing I'd feel guilty for. We went to so many class parties for 5,6,7,8 year old birthdays and I felt guilt every time that I couldn't do it for mine. Xx