Pregnancy news response / toxic friendship groups

[mills71]

Mum friend group of 7 - known since my almost 3 year old was a newborn and have a WhatsApp group. Don't meet up as regularly now due to busy work life and prioritizing family time on a weekend (partner works away) but last seen them all a few months ago. (I've been super ill in this pregnancy and am now 14 weeks) 3 have recently had second babies in the last year, the the others are open about being one and done. I've turned up to baby showers and always been genuinely happy for them and congratulated them of course.. tbh I've always felt like I didn't fit in 100% anyway but I think this has confirmed it for me.

The other day I was randomly removed from a Facebook group we were all in despite it not being active for months which I thought was odd. The day after I let them know about the pregnancy news and sorry for being a bit quiet over the last month or 2 and that I'd had a really rough time, most of them didn't reply but I could see they had read it, 2 did reply but was just a very basic 'congrats yet I have seen the way they respond to the others news and this is so majorly different. Those who ignored but read later started a conversation about something different which was a bit of a kick in the teeth. I feel this group is toxic for me, the one who removed me randomly from a group is the bitchiest one. I’ve been feeling a bit upset about it and not sure if it’s just pregnancy emotions. Keen to hear others thoughts? Am I weird for not enjoying being in groups like this? I’ve had some very toxic friends growing up and in my early adulthood including ones who continuously stole from me on nights out and ones that only used me when they had no better options but would drop me instantly if something better came up, that I just find my life much more peaceful when I have very few friends, I see people out on groups and I have now get whatever the opposite is of FOMO, does anyone else feel like this?

As you've said, this sounds like an extremely toxic group and not one you particularly fit in with. What positives do they bring to your life? You haven't mentioned any.

I would cut my losses and remove myself from the WhatsApp group.
It's never nice losing friends/support but it doesn't sound like these people are either.

Keep your circle small and don't let the toxicity creep in

Congratulations on your pregnancy

You don't need people like that in your life - they aren't classed as friends when they cause you hurt and upset. Personally I would remove myself from all contact with them and forget about them - your life will be much more positive and less stressful without worrying about them!

They bring nothing positive to my life, just upset and make me always question myself. I really do feel the final step I need is to just remove myself from the group but I feel like it's so final and may be a bit awkward if I see them out and about, I've muted it for now but feel I do need to leave. I've had such shitty 'friends' so often I just always wonder if it's me and what's wrong with me but I've genuinely been nothing but supportive and kind to them all in this group. I don't have many other friends especially mum friends so I feel a bit guilty like my 3 year old will be missing out? He does go to nursery twice a week and is a very social boy in general, is this enough for him?

They're gaslighting you, it's not your fault.

Remove yourself and let the mean girls crack on. I was in a mum friends group once and ended up having words privately with one of them.... she told the others her own version and i was immediately outcast. Whatever. They weren't real friends anyway. I just blocked them all and moved on.

My first born was born in lockdown and we had moved overseas so she hardly saw another person for about 18 months. She's 4 now and absolutely fine, very confident and sociable. We have occasional play dates with other kids but mostly it's nursery and family.

I agree with PPs if they bring nothing to your life and are feeling more anxiety or dread when it comes to seeing them, then it’s probably time to move on.

if you did want to try and save the friendships or hear/see where they’re coming from, you could reach out to one of them who is more approachable to see if she can shed some light.
As devils advocate - Perhaps they feel you don’t contribute anything to their lives and when you do pop up you only talk about yourself? Did you catch up with them, their lives? I suppose you don’t know what they might be going through too?

I appreciate I may be way off the mark with the above - and it may not be true in your case at all - but I’ve also had friends who show zero interest in me so just putting it out there as a reflection - how much time and energy do you invest in others - do your relationships feel balanced or one sided?

Good luck, I’ve been on the receiving end of shitty friendships and it can be really quite upsetting.

Also doesn’t have to be drama when you end a relationship, don’t maintain them just for convenience - especially if it makes you uncomfortable.
Make new friends and if you do see them about, say you felt disconnected and that perhaps you had just grew apart, no bad feelings type thing! X

No I am definitely not one of those people who only ever likes to talk about themselves. I always ask how others are and act genuinely interested in their news. There are certainly others that only love to talk about themselves though. And no, I don't believe an excuse is that they have their own stuff going on to ignore me when later that day they spark up a conversation about other random things. There is one who I am considering reaching out to find out what the problem is but I don't trust that she won't go back to them. There has been way too many things now that have been hurtful.

@mills71 it was a reflection point not a statement op, if you know that’s not the case, great - I did post with kindness.

So what if she does say something to them?

It's something I've wondered over and over again and doubted myself with but I'm 100% sure.

I just feel like because our kids are the same age there is a good chance I'm going to end up bumping into them at points so feel like it may be awkward but anyway I know they won't be arsed and I don't know why it felt like a big thing because in reality to most people it won't be but I've now left the WhatsApp group after almost 3 years. My finger hovered over that exit button for too long 🙈

from what you said, you’ve done the right thing. You’ll prob feel a big relief not having to worry, overthink or question yourself anymore.
if you see them, keep it simple, ‘I think we just drifted apart, no big deal’ smile and move on.

make new friends! some of the best friends we make much later on in life!