Really struggling with my husband

[Lislaw]

I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my first baby and I am really struggling, it's not been an easy pregnancy at all. I've had severe fatigue all the way through, carpal tunnel in both hands due to swelling, a grumbling appendix, regular migraines in the first trimester, pelvic girdle pain and i'm struggling with prenatal depression. Not to mention just the usual aches and pains and lack of sleep carry a baby brings! So I haven't felt good in the slightest. We've been married for 9 years, I work part time and husband works full time. I have always been the main one to cook, clean, do the food shopping, the laundry, walk the dog etc. When we found out I was pregnant he said he would help out more and walk the dog do the housework etc etc. But I feel like not much has changed and I'm having to nag and nag at him to do things, and all I get in response is 'its not a big deal if things don't get done', 'i'll do it in a minute', 'i'll do it tomorrow', 'stop getting worked up about it all its not good for the baby'. I've purposely left things to see if he'll do it and we've ended up with no clean dishes, no clean clothes, a very messy house and a dog that hasn't been walked for several days! The odd occasion he does do any housework it's like he expects a medal. He comes home from work and gets a bath for at least 45mins every single day, and says he needs that him time and aometimes to de-stress from me. Like I'm some sort of monster for wanting him to help out more and pull his weight like an adult 31 year old man. He doesn't have a stressful job either, it can be physically demanding at times but it's not stressful or draining. Throughout my whole pregnancy he has been 'quitting smoking' but hasn't actually done it and drinks several times a week but still complains he's bored and fed up with life. He says my being depressed is making him unhappy and it stresses him out. He's started complaining I'm keeping him awake at night because I'm up and down to the toilet and tossing and turning all night. I've cried and basically screamed at times out of pure frustration with him but it gets me nowhere. I just can't see things being good when baby arrives, it honestly feels like he makes everything about himself. Am I asking too much? Should I just shut up and get on with things? I feel like I'm at the end of my tether with everything!

Oh OP I’m sorry this sounds really difficult. I definitely think you need to have a proper sit down chat about all of this, calmly, and explain exactly what you need and why, let him do the same, and try to find a middle ground that works for everyone.

It is a huge adjustment for any relationship having a baby, but if he isn’t doing his fair share now then that is only going to be worse when there’s a newborn in the mix and suddenly it’s not just dog/housework it’s night feeds, nappies, sterilising bottles etc.

And if he’s bored and fed up with life now, that’s certainly not going to improve when he’s also sleep deprived, can’t come and go as he pleases because there’s a baby to think of, can’t drink regularly as he needs to be alert for night feeds etc.

I have a 5 month old baby now and my husband did massively step up during pregnancy and has been amazing since she was born, I do think that’s largely down to us both listening & communicating what we need quite clearly and respecting those needs. So for example if he needs a long bath to wind down after work then okay, but once he’s had that bath he needs to walk the dog as you need that from him.

Do not just leave it and get on with things because very soon there’s going to be a tiny human here who needs you for absolutely everything, and that tiny human brings with them a shocking amount of mess, items that require cleaning, dirty washing etc. If you accept that you just have to do everything then all of those extra things for baby are going to end up joining your plate of jobs.

The only thing I would say is that I think especially for men, the reality of having a baby doesn’t really set in until much later than it does for women who have to carry the baby. Our lives change from the minute when we find out we’re pregnant, no coffee, no alcohol, no smoking, tired, achey etc, men really don’t have that or sometimes even realise that until close to the end of pregnancy or when baby arrives even! He may just be struggling with the fact that his life has changed and is about to change even more, plus it is difficult living with someone who is depressed, but you need to be a team in this, not him versus you, it needs to be both of you versus the problem. Good luck x

It sounds like you're having a rotten time of it. Pregnancy can be a tough process to get through, and it's not easy when you don't get the glow that everyone promises you.

I'd have a very careful consideration about bringing a baby home into this because he's just going to make it 100 times harder for you. There's nothing wrong in cutting your losses because this man is already showing he can't be bothered to make your life any easier.... and I'd hide the bath plug as your first measure.

No, you shouldn't just shut up and get on with things! He sounds very lazy and totally unattached. Another guy would be supporting you. Why isn't he?

I don’t feel like you’re asking too much at all! Pregnancy is SO hard!!!!!
I’m only 16 weeks and my partner is doing everything. We been together 8 years and usually I’m the one who is cooking cleaning organising the next food shops etc. which I was completely fine with as he works more then me - a demanding job 50 hours a weeks. Now on his days off he’s cleaning doing the laundry and going shops to get bits and making me whatever food. I didn’t think he would be like this as he hated doing this kinda stuff before! He’s been going out drinking about once every 2 weeks which I’m completely fine with as he is helping & he needs that time to also unwind.

Im sorry you are feeling this way. I think you should have a sit down discussion with him especially before the baby comes! be calm as possible and take your time sharing how you feel. Let him know it is a very serious chat!!

Do you love him?

I just can't see things being good when baby arrives

no, me neither. Not only will he not do anything with the baby, he will also complain when baby wakes him up. During the 10th night feed and change you are doing. And yes it is a big deal if your child is hungry or sitting in a dirty diaper, because he can't be arsed and expects you to do it all.

I don't have much advice as I've haven't actually seen men like that changing. But no, of course you're not expecting too much.

And if you decide to do it all yourself, why have him around?

He needs to start helping you cos stress ain't good on baby but some men don't grow up till baby comes.

Tell him what concerns you, that you can’t do more than you already do, but you have a solution - to get a cleaner (who’ll deal with the laundry and dishwasher) plus a dog walker paid for with the money he spends on cigarettes and alcohol.
How does he like that? Hmm?

He is going to be a useless father. Have you only just realised this. Surely he must have been like this before you got pregnant.

Sorry to be callous but that dog has to be walked, not fair if not getting no exercise 🐶

Sadly I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I've been struggling with antenatal depression and a boyfriend that isn't pulling his weight with tidying the kitchen after use etc. He doesn't work but being Spanish he will enjoy himself a siesta! Even after doing nothing.. He'll go to sleep for 3 hours during the afternoon. Totally unproductive! And then moans than I'm depressed, not satisfying his needs, that I'm nagging etc.
I'm feeling just as lost right now and starting to get to the point of thinking "was this all a big mistake?". It's heartbreaking.

My partner hasn't been supportive at all since I became pregnant, I'm due on 13weeks 😱😱😱

This is who he is. He drinks, smokes, complains. This is all he will ever do.

I would echo what the first person in this thread said, communication is key. It might be easier if you write him a letter and let him read it on his own and then you discuss the situation together? That way you can get your thoughts clear in your head, explain your position in a non aggressive way, explain why you need his support and how you want to work together.
I don’t think it’s the right moment for you to leave the relationship in the final stages of your pregnancy (as long as he is not being violent of course), it seems better to try to work with him to improve the situation - if you feel deep down that the relationship is worth saving?
Things will be completely different when the baby arrives and he will have to pitch in and help but hopefully your pre natal depression and other pregnancy related aches and pains will also clear up which will make things easier